A Year of Stories

URGENT: PLEASE READ!!!! Break Room

From: Elijah Montgomery Hewitt (emh@bigboxlim.cc)

Subject: URGENT: PLEASE READ!!!! Break Room

Date: January 25, 2016 at 9:34:03 PM EST

To: Big Box Limited Listserve (all@bigboxlim.cc)

Good evening everyone,

I know that sending company-wide emails is frowned upon, and I know that I promised a few of you that I wouldn't make this another "toner incident," but after being condescended to by the Area Supervisor, and completely ignored by the C-Suite, I realized that the only path to real change, is to take my grievances to you – the people.

So, in the spirit of revolutionary action, I'd like to remind everyone that the Break Room is not some kind of Socialist free-for-all.

What do I mean?

Oh, I think most of you know, but for those few of you who still understand the principles of of private property that our great nation was founded upon – I'll spell it out – just because food isn't labeled, doesn't mean you can take it out of the fridge and eat it. If you didn't make it or buy it, it's not yours.

And that goes double for snacks!

Did we really learn nothing from last year's pot luck? How many people have to go to the ER before we start respecting one another?

You might be asking how I can be so sure that we have a thief in our ranks. Well, let me give you the evidence:

I bought three Snickers bars from the Cash and Save last week, and placed them in the crisper for safe keeping. This was on a Monday. When I checked the following Monday, during my weekly audit of office supplies and sundries, there was only one Snickers bar.

Before you ask, no, I didn't eat it. I'm on a diet that has very particular rules. I can only eat processed sugar every third Thursday, and last week was the second week of the month, not the third. And while this Monday was in the third week, Monday and Thursday are two different days as far as I'm aware, which means that I wouldn't have eaten them on Monday either.

If not me, then who?

I'm glad you asked!

While I don't want to start a witch hunt, and it's not fair to point fingers without proof, I think Debra knows something that she isn't telling us. I'm not calling her a thief...exactly, but when I charted the amount of money she's donated to the communal coffee fund over the last year, versus the amount of coffee she's consumed, well, let's just say that I found her generosity to be wanting.

I've also seen her use a disconcerting amount of creamer.

Anyone who uses that much creamer shouldn't be trusted.

If Debra truly is, as she purports in her publicly available Quarterly Review, "a team player who believes in strengthening her office community," she will come to my desk tomorrow at 11:30AM and explain to me where she was on Monday.

If she can provide a frank, detailed accounting of her whereabouts since last week, and it checks out against my notes, I will happily drop the subject. If, however, she decides to be a coward, and refuses to face me – then I'll be forced to take matters into my own hands.

I have certain contacts in the media who would jump at the chance to report on the kinds of ethical breaches we've seen here, and since Management seems unwilling to face the failures in leadership that led to this Break Room fiasco – maybe the only way to protect us all against thieves and cowards – is to shine the light of a free and open press on this entire organization.

I consider all of you my family, and I understand that the fallout from this kind of article could be devastating, especially when the emails I was able to "acquire" from Debra's Gmail account come to light. I know that we could all find ourselves out on the street, and this company could face censure from the highest levels. Despite the risks, I truly believe it's necessary that we hold firm to our core values and push through. We can never make our jobs become worth more to us than the truth.

I hope I've explained my position clearly, and pray that Debra has the moral fiber to take responsibility for her actions, or at the very least, to bring me the $3.19 I'll need to replace my candy.

We'll know for sure tomorrow.

Yours,

Elijah Hewitt

Social Media Manager

Big Box Limited

From: Debra Marie Cruz (dmc@bigboxlim.cc)

Subject: Re: URGENT: PLEASE READ!!!! Break Room

Date: January 25, 2016 at 9:47:03 PM EST

To: Elijah Montgomery Hewitt (emh@bigboxlim.cc)

Dear Elijah,

You put your stupid candy in the freezer, not the crisper.

Tomorrow, I'm filing a formal complaint with HR.

Please, get help.

Deb.