A Year of Stories

Classified Ad - Moving Overseas

I recently made a down payment on a new house overseas. The court tells me that I need to be out of the old one by the end of the month. The place I'm moving into is a little smaller than where I'm living now, and due to recent changes in my financial situation, I've had to make some hard choices about what I keep and what I leave behind.

I thought I had everything under control until I went into the attic, where I found a bunch of stuff my wife must have left when she moved out. I'm not going to keep any of it, and since I decided against setting it on fire, or crating it up and shipping it back to her along with the last shreds of my dignity, I thought I'd post it here.

I'm letting it all go for cheap, the only caveat is that I'm selling everything as one lot, so if you're interested in something on the list, you'll need to take the rest along with it.

Here we go:

1. Two stainless steel pineapple slicers.

2. One plush, light-up Christmas turkey hat.

3. One copy of, "A Strawberry in Bloom: An Amish Romance Fiction."

4. One Japanese Shouting Vase (made from rare Earth metals and guaranteed to decrease stress).

5. Two Nicholas Cage body pillows (lightly used).

6. One Deck of Serial Killer Playing Cards (heavily used).

7. One copy of Duck Hunt for the NES (light gun included).

8. Two ZapIt behavior modifying shock collars.

9. One vinyl decal of a Viking having intimate relations with a Unicorn.

and finally,

10. One silicone anti-aging, anti-wrinkle face slimmer.

I'll let it all go for $10 or your best offer. In fact, I'll give the lot to you for free, just as long as you promise to send my wife an email telling her that you have it.