A Year of Stories

Whizz Bang Lab's (Mostly) Paradox Free Time Machine

Thank you for purchasing Whizz Bang Lab's (Mostly) Paradox Free Time Machine.

As users of this product ourselves, we know that you'll love it! We also know when you'll die and how the world ends, but who doesn't these days?

Before you get started, we wanted to give you a few pieces of advice designed to minimize the existential risk to your time stream, and the many other time streams you may come into contact with.

We hope that you'll read these carefully, and take them to heart...this time.

1. Killing a world leader, any world leader, is a very bad plan. Full stop.

2. The Middle Ages is much, much dirtier than you imagine it is, and is absolutely nothing like that one television show with the Dragons...you know which one I'm talking about.

3. Clean the soles of your boots before coming home and never, ever bring back textiles from native populations, no matter how "pretty" they are.

4. Your mother and father will get together, so will your grandmother and grandfather – they did it without you the first time – we think they can do it again.

5. You can't save her.

6. You can't save him.

7. You can save them, but we really wouldn't suggest it.

8. Invest in language classes, despite what movies may have taught you, most people throughout history didn't speak English. We would suggest Hebrew.

9. Watch your head.

10. Get your shots.

11. Never play members of the Antari Royal Family in Holo-Chess, they always cheat.

12. Keep your hands and feet in the vehicle at all times.

13. Dinosaurs are not and never were friendly.

14. The so-called "Butterfly Effect" is grossly overstated, which does not mean you should run around time killing every Butterfly you see – it's cruel and beneath you.

15. Finally, if you meet a version of yourself on your journey, that means you have somehow triggered a paradox. While these are very rare, they do happen. If it happens to you, it's important that you return to the machine at once and go back to your starting time immediately. Failure to do this can lead to grave consequences, including: injury, death, total temporal collapse, and being forced to write stupid messages to yourself for centuries, in hopes that they'll help you escape a bloody time loop.