Heartbeats

Chapter-four

It was time to say goodbye to let go but for some reason I couldn't it killed me to see Jake refusing to sleep until he heard good news about me it even killed me to see the bullies cry for the pain they had caused me and everyone around me. When I got startled awake in the morning I said to myself that it was time to let me go that was before I saw who had ended up in the waiting room overnight never in my life had I thought I would ever see him again when he left, he left for good not for occasions and came back when you got hurt or in my current situation ended up in hospital due to the thought of how bad your life had gotten in the past few years.

I started crying at his appearance not because he was there but because of what he looked like he was wearing a smart shirt, with a tie and some loafers he looked like he had just come from a business meeting, he had actually made a life for himself and left me out of it the fact that he got to recover, and I was left to suffer in my life was ridiculous I got my first job when I was 7 to provide money for the people looking after me. The life I had wanted to live so desperately, that I had dreamed of when I fell asleep, when I went to school, I could have had that life if he had just come back for me I would've forgiven him but asked for him to provide me with money and leave then maybe just maybe he could feel all the pain he caused me. They say it's hard to leave but it's impossible to face what you come back to, I'll be okay is that what you want me to say when I wake up, if I wake up?, that's right I said if because there is no guarantee I will wake up I don't want to wake up anymore I don't want this to be a dream, this is reality I know this now and I don't think Jake is even enough anymore, they say if you love someone you let them go this is my way of showing him I love him. I'll die happy as I'll die knowing he found out I loved him from me not from some person at school, that's why I leave this message to him "don't ever let someone tell you I didn't love you because there lying, don't ever let someone tell you I hated you so much that I felt the need to get away from you, and last of all don't ever, ever tell you I killed myself because of you because I hated you with all my heart".

I went for a walk only to find the nurse talking to Jake and his family, I went closer to hear the last of her words only to be disappointed by what she said, "you guys can see London once she is off the ventilator, are you the only family she has" "yes" Jake said confidently, until the person who I
assumed was my father butted in, "no, I'm her dad". Great just great talk about a family reunion here was part of my old family, and then there was my new one great just what I wanted for my whole family to meet each other this way, if they ever did meet each other that is. My thoughts were dragged away from me as the nurse continued on. "Well direct family gets priority over visiting ICU patients, so would you like to visit her first, Mr?" "Call me Arthur, please, and yes I would like to see my daughter". Fuck what the fuck he thought he had right over seeing me to my family, he walked out on me I didn't walk out on him.

That's when it all started, my anger became unbearable and the next second I was throwing my fists at the wall, while attempting to kick the wall all while this was happening something changed in the room as the nurses all rushed my dad out, I screamed "you're not my dad" I started flat lining and I don't mean a false alarm I mean alarms were going off everywhere, "get her into surgery, immediately" I heard a bunch of nurses calling all at once. As they rushed my body past me I saw that my palms were now bruised and my knuckles were cut, not to mention the weird angle my leg was now at after my first surgery. I was in even worse condition then when I had first come in, had what I had just done affected me physically on my body was I connected to my body, if I killed myself in this state would I die for good did I really hold the solution's to all my problems with just the state I was in?, but the true question was did I really want to die I mean yeah sure at first I did, but now that I had just gotten my dad back, even if I was mad with him he was still my dad and eventually in time I would hopefully forgive him, Jake had finally said the three words I was dying for him to say , the bullies finally felt empathetic after all they had done.

I finally saw it killing myself wasn't the solution, surviving the battle I had fought so hard for and so long for was the true solution, proving to everyone that no matter what happened to me I was still a fighter that I would do anything for the people I loved even if it did hurt me. I was brought back to reality by the opening of an elevator but it didn't scare me anymore that they were trying to help me it just made me hope for the best outcome, so many nurses, doctors, paramedics and other hospital staff had worked overtime for someone they barely knew and to me, that showed passion not because they were helping me, but because they gave up so much to help me they even sacrificed their families and their free time. Would there families be mad or proud that they sacrificed so much to save a 16 year old girl who hadn't even wanted to live with at the beginning I asked myself as I followed into the elevator before the doors closed behind me. The nurse that had first helped me at my arrival into the hospital stood there now and whispered into my ear " baby so many people have made so many sacrifices to get you here, it's clear your loved so please, please just get through this if not for you, for the people who love you and the people you love".

We arrived upstairs and I was rushed through several different sets of doors, and round several different hallways, sound they found an empty operating room and I was rushed in once we got in there, instructions were barked in voices I was unaware any of them had, a battle was waged as to whether they thought I would appreciate music during the surgery I said yes quietly knowing none of them could hear me, but hoping they would know my answer. The surgery began straight away someone had plugged my phone in and was listening to twenty one pilots while a slideshow of and Jake and I played on the screen I'm guessing it was there way of reminding me of how much I would be leaving behind if I didn't survive the surgery. The surgery lasted for hours towels were dabbed onto faces as they were all sweating, what happened to me if I didn't survive the surgery was a simple answer but a complicated and hard question to ask. I knew I had to die at one point but I would really prefer I didn't die on the operating table when everything was starting to get better.

-wkUn