Heartbeats

Chapter-eight

Later on that evening Jake said to me, "its small moments in life like these that give me hope in humanity that not everyone's bad. I didn't respond I didn't feel like I had the right to respond to be happy or even to share jakes happiness his family's happiness. It felt like ever since I had gone into his life all I did was make his life like an action movie everyone died in the end of those but maybe those movies had a different meaning, maybe everyone dying didn't mean they died physically but died mentally. It felt like I was still in the hospital like I hadn't truly woken up I confined in Jake in how I felt and he just laid my head down and said its ok you'll escape soon I wanted to scream at him to ask him what he meant but it felt like my heart was giving in like I couldn't fight the fight I had been fighting so long for.

Hot tears streamed down not on my face but in my brain as I thought about everything, the last conversation I had, had with Jake the smile wiped off his face when he realised I wasn't going to get better he had screamed at everyone when the doctor told us, He wasn't ready to let me go and to be honest I wasn't ready to let go of him either. I had waited until he had left that day to tell myself it was ok, only to wake up screaming and crying that it wasn't ok. I was meant to have kids to get married to live a normal life, to dream of a normal future, with a white picket fence and several little mini jakes and I running round the yard I wasn't meant to die not this way.

Jake didn't believe me when I told him I didn't want to die He thought I was lying, that all I had wanted was him to feel the pain of losing me, for him to feel the pain I had experienced. I tried to explain to him that, that wasn't the truth that it wasn't even close to the truth but he wouldn't listen to me anymore. His parents had wanted to be there for me but they could see Jake slipping into a cycle of depression when they had taken me home I was so happy. But in that first month I had a heart attack. I was lucky I didn't die right then and there, after that we had discussed my options and in the end decided it would be safe for me to stay at the hospital in a permanent room instead of at Jakes, instead of at my home.

He told us all he was fine but I knew he wasn't I feared for his mental health as when he crawled into the bed we shared at night I could feel his body shaking as he cried himself to sleep muttering small words of fear when he finally lay to sleep. I couldn't stop fearing that what happened to me would happen to him as well I was scared of what would happen to him I wasn't safe to be around him. He had crawled into my arms sobbing so many times in that first month he felt my heart stop and start when I had a heart attack and he hadn't known what to do he screamed and his mum rushed in. I struggled to breathe as my heart refused to do its normal movement of up and down when I breathed; I hadn't known what to do it felt like someone was squeezing all the air out of my chest. As my chest tightened and loosened as if someone was trying to ring out a wet clothe and were never truly satisfied with it. I tried talking to Jake asking him what happened but my eyes flicked closed from instinct, he hadn't stopped screaming not remembering his mum wasn't there, soon his little sister Anneliese ran in the happy smile on her face faded straight off she started screaming and shouting over the phone that she had picked up. Two minutes later an ambulance rocked up they saw what had happened and told everyone to leave the room Anneliese was distraught making her biggest effort to debate why she should stay with me. But in the end they said she had to leave if they wanted to help me. They monitored my heart for a minute debating whether they would have time to take me to the nearest hospital, my vision was blurring and all of a sudden everything went white I couldn't hear a thing I felt like I never existed a minute later I could hear voices I could feel warmth on me and that's when I realised I had died.

Jake had refused to leave my side on our way to the hospital where further tests would be taken, this time he cried without caring who saw, as the tears ran down his face he said I've nearly lost you too many times I can't lose you, not yet at least you have and always will be the most important and beautiful thing that's ever happened to me. I had already heard what he had said before he knew that, I knew that he told me every time I was about to die everyone thought our lives were starting to become a cliché I tried to explain to them that when he was in my presence, those were the only words he remembered as he was always at a loss of words.

It was meant to be a joke to lighten the mood but so many people had believed what I had said was true even when I said that I was saying it as a joke apparently, our relationship was toxic it always made people a mixture of feelings when they were around us. Jake was still by my side he could tell I was thinking and asked me in a forced happy voice what are you thinking about. I replied with "us", he had wanted to ask what I meant by that but I had already answered his question and he knew that. So instead of that he said, "when do I get my near- death experience, your stealing the entire spotlight", I wanted to laugh but I couldn't my throat was closing up, he knew something was wrong. As I closed my eyes and said "I love you".

Eg