Heartbeats

Chapter-nine

I saw her close her eyes almost as if she no longer had the fight in her she wasn't allowed to give up on me I fought so hard for her I'm not losing her now. She looked so peaceful like that but she didn't get to leave me. That wasn't fair so instead of screaming, I quietly asked "can you please help", and when they didn't lose that I ignored my promise not to scream, and screamed louder than I ever have " the meaning of life for me, is dyeing help her now!!!".

No one had understood why I didn't leave her on that park ground they had all wanted me to leave her there, and that day I had wondered did they do this every time someone came to school was she the test maybe she didn't have the freedom she deserved because of all the pricks that had left her on the ground. I was shaken out of the scene my brain had formed by the wonderful sound of her starting to breathe again I had never felt so relieved in my whole life. "You need to stop scaring me" I said. It's like she was my other half I didn't know what love felt like until I met her, I never told her but the real reason I helped her off that park ground that day was because in the morning I had been walking to school and I saw her kneeled over what I assumed was her mums grave silently tears pouring down her face. I wasn't there to be a lover I was there to be a friend , things just got so confusing I didn't know she was suicidal at that point all I knew was she needed a friend and whether that was me or the kid next door she needed one. How had she become so brave so beautiful since then, had she always been like that the real answer was yes. She literally went head first through everything no matter how hard it was. 

I'm not complaining but of course she's going to get hurt, well yeah I guess I am complaining actually she always gets hurt I mean it like she doesn't care about herself I looked over at her once more, and that's when I decided no she wasn't being selfish if she was being selfish, she would've left. I saw her staring over at me with those loving eyes they had lost their sparkle before I met her but you could see they were starting to get their sparkle back.

Her eyes I thought quietly to myself, the beautiful hazel it was like melted chocolate I could always get lost in her eyes it was like I was running a race always trying to keep up with her beauty. She couldn't see how beautiful she was but every time I looked at her I mesmerized her face, because if she ever left I would never forgive myself. I'm not talking about if she dies I'm talking about if she left me. It eats away at me as I spend the next couple of days debating whether I tell her how strong I really feel our connection is I finally decided I won't as what good would it do I assure myself she already knows I mean if she didn't why would she still be with me. I looked at her now resting she had fallen asleep holding my hand and every once in a while, while she slept she would mutter "please don't let me go". I would always reply "I have nowhere else to go". Knowing she couldn't hear me but I still felt the need to tell her. Her doctors told me to go home and get some rest; they assured me that all they were doing was monitoring her heart, but I didn't care how big or little what they were doing was. I had promised her every time she fell asleep I would still be there when she woke up and I intended on keeping that promise. I hadn't expected them to understand me I mean after all why would they but when my parents came out of the waiting room and told me that she wasn't coming with her my whole world collapsed. I couldn't stop mumbling to myself why not they told me she wasn't healthy enough and that what if next time we couldn't get her to the hospital next time on time. I couldn't believe what they were saying I felt like I was dreaming I didn't deserve this and neither did she and for the first time, I abandoned her, I abandoned my promise to her and I ran I didn't know where I as running to all I knew was I needed to get away from her, from this stupid hospital, my parents tried to chase me but I had been on the cross- country team when I was younger and ran faster than them. When I finally decided I had run far enough I lent on an old building and cried it felt like there was never a time I didn't cry anymore. Every minute she lived was another minute I breathed a sigh of relief she meant so much to me, that moment that our eyes connected I could tell she was broken her eyes were scared it's like she was scared of me and she hadn't even met me yet but she still had courage. It's like her eyes were talking to me toying with my emotions tugging on my strings as they threatened to snap the only thing that kept my heart intact. She didn't know how broken I was just like I didn't know how broken she was I guess that's what made our bond so special. I was bipolar at the time and I had to see a shrink, my medication was off the roof and I was barely conscious when I was awake, it was like I was a model you know those ones you see in the front of the windows, yeah I was one of those and the only thing that made me classified as a human was the fact I could talk. I could no longer feel, my emotions were numbed the amount of medication I was constantly dosed up on. But it's like when I made eye contact with her, when I saw this tiny girl falling to the ground with fear in her eyes but refusing to show she was scared. When I heard the crack of her bones, as silence washed over the park I was finally awake, I saw someone but not just anyone I can't call her a victim but I can say that she was a fighter because even when it looked like she was defeated she always fought she woke me up and she never knew it. When I first saw what had happened that she was lying on the ground and was struggling to move she wanted to leave she seemed embarrassed but couldn't stop the tears pouring down her face. My first instinct was to walk away to leave her lying there and to just focus on the fact that my appointment with my shrink was soon, but she looked at me like just leave that's what everyone else does so I went over and I helped her up I didn't expect a thanks, I more expected a I didn't need help like you see in all those movies. But she looked at me once the tears stopping for a miller second and then ran but you can't really call it running as every second she stopped screaming and crying from the pain it caused but never showing her face to her enemies. 

It's like someone screamed in my ear to run as before I knew it I was after her as if we were little kids playing a game of tag. It was if she was drunk and being tested to see if she could run in a straight line, when she finally collapsed she went silent and fainted forward but not before I caught her in my arms.

I had screamed with my voice hoarse to the people at the park to borrow their cars or to tell me where the nearest hospital was. It was as if no one could hear me they all froze as if my words turned them into statues if I weren't so frustrated I would have thought it was magic but I was frustrated so I just continued screaming and eventually gave up, running in the north direction hoping that if I couldn't find a hospital I would at least find someone willing to help me. No one was willing to help many people knew London and I saw the look on their faces as I ran through the streets screaming for help, whispers were spread of people saying "I hope she dies at least the pain will disappear". At this moment in time she was unconscious I was tempted to stop and scream at them that they deserved to die but London needed my help so I left it. Soon I saw the hospital in my peripheral view. my heart had never raced so fast the relief washed over me but when I looked down and felt the coldness of her skin the true danger of the situation kicked in and that's when I realised I was seeing things again the people who I thought had been ignoring me were all now shouting, most of them at the top of their lungs begging I let her go as to assure that she could that she got the proper help she needed. my arms dropped and someone from the audience raced forward before she slumped onto the ground, I couldn't believe what had happened and I walked away in defeat punching trees as I passed through the dark alleys not letting the environment I was in affect my anger. "She nearly died on my watch, I had felt her life draining away in my hands and I wouldn't let go of her because of those STUPID FUCKING VISIONS", I screamed out into the darkness. Soon someone drove up beside me and requested that I get in the car and go to the hospital with them apparently my fists were bleeding from the strong but uncoordinated punches. and my face was covered in cuts from tripping over while walking along almost as if I was drunk. When I looked up I saw a familiar face at a second glance I realised who it was, my parents they were talking about how I had saved a strangers life, the visions kept on flashing through my head of this small petite fragile teenager being beaten up by these people twice her size and my body filled with rage once again but this time before I could do anything about it I felt my body collapse and realised I had just run into a nail that had been dragging down my leg leaving a dangerous trail of blood almost as a reminder of the damage I had done my entire life. all I remember was passing out but my sub conscious still being awake I wanted to know what was happening but my ears were filled with the sound of people begging for me to stay alive I didn't know what was going on but when I opened my eyes I had never heard so many people breathe a sigh of relief and cry at the same time. I looked at my surroundings and spotted the main source of tears my mum was being held by my dad and they were both reassuring that I would be ok. My mind was quickly reminded of the girl who I had helped and I was in a rush to check that she had made it to the hospital safely. A nurse noticed the expression on my face and reassured me that she was just resting after her surgery and I would be able to see her soon but first I had to be cleaned up. I was wheeled in a wheelchair to a room and had my cuts dressed with some fresh dressings during this process I was caught up on what happened. Apparently I had experienced blood lost and was continuing to experience it when I was brought in I had passed out and lost a lot of blood a bit too much I was than deemed dead and had to be shocked which explained the stunned feeling I was experiencing during that period of time. Once I had been patched up and the nurse believed I would be fine I limped to the girl's room with some flowers which I had been told used to be her favourite. I knew I would never be able to apologise enough she had nearly died on my watch, my hands started shaking as I thought about it she was so fragile I imagined that she had been barely living before I met her there is a difference between being alive and living, I would know that by now. I stepped into her room and then back again, once again I stepped in staying in the room I started to pace around the room I did this for about an hour and then finally decided to sit down restlessly I put my head on my shoulder and shuffled away from the bed as much as possible to ensure that I didn't scare her. I remember sitting there for hours just watching her breathe in and out thinking how lucky some guy would be one day to be with her she was just so beautiful it was like looking at a painting hard to look away from as you would always worry that one day you would look back and someone would have stolen it. She wasn't beautiful as people said because she was flawless but because of her flaws her flaws were what made her truly beautiful I fell asleep with that thought in my head and woke up wondering how much time had passed by and then realised it was her voice that had woken me and that's when the real story started as that was the day that I truly woke up from what I had called my life.

Ra@