Unicorns On Wheels [Petekey]

6. Wednesday.

2016/02/03 Wednesday

Okay, I know that I said that I wouldn't go and see Pete on Wednesday and that I'd be seeing him on Friday during the next group therapy but when Gerard asked me how Group Therapy went I told him that I preferred Group Therapy over the one on one sessions with Dr Nestor. He didn't seem very surprised and even though he didn't outwardly say it, I knew she'd told him.

I don't know what this means as for what'll be happening tomorrow. Whether I'll be seeing her or not or whether I'll feel forgiving. Because as of the moment I feel quite like taking a chance and wheeling away from Gerard in the snow. Even if he'll catch me quite quickly because somehow I think I'd rather die trying to escape than attend therapy.

He asked me what I liked about Group Therapy and I told him that it wasn't so bad if I didn't have to do much except listen to the bleeding hearts of other people. Gerard laughed then and I think he could hear the distaste in my voice. My general hatred of humanity was generally confused with making a joke.

But the difference was pretty clear: my jokes were meant to amuse people but my hatred of people were meant to give them a big fuck you.

Though Mr Bowie had promised to see me on Monday, not to mention give me a history test, he hadn't come to tutor me since last week Thursday due to the fact that he'd come down with typhoid fever which was a pretty shitty disease. Literally a shitty disease.

So I'd spent the day listening to all of Gerard's old Joan Jett CDs and reading Slice of Cherry, only occasionally putting it down in favour of The Boy in Striped Pajamas. But Gerard spent the day trying to convince me to go out with Pete, Hayley and Ryan as if socializing with them might solve the world's problems. Or, even better, my problems (alternatively known as the Useless Logs of Fat™).

Except that I knew that it wouldn't and he knew it wouldn't. But when Pete texted me this morning at half past 8, I had a hard time finding reasons that I could simply say no. I knew, Jesus Christ, I knew that if somebody else had asked me... somebody like Frank or Gerard or even Ryan or Hayley, I would probably say no without giving a reason.

But something about Pete made me think that I wouldn't be able to say no without giving a million reasons why not. And even if I could produce all the reasons I was thinking of (ones like: I don't want to, I have to finish my book or I have homework to finish) didn't seem good enough reasons to say to Pete and all the while I tried to ignore the text, I felt more and more guilty.

Ignoring Pete made me feel the way that ignoring The Boy in Striped Pajamas made me feel: sort of like, for some reason, I was breaking a commitment that I'd made. And while I'd broken many commitments before, I'd never felt this guilty about one before. Almost like I'd crush Pete's entire life by saying that I couldn't go.

So I made the necessary arrangements with Frank and Gerard while making them think that I was doing this as a favour for them and I think that I might've fooled Gerard but Frank gave me a knowing smile and ruffled my hair like being in a wheelchair gave him the right to touch my head. And for a moment, they both seemed really pleased by the idea that I'd go out with friends.

But the moment was fleeting because soon they were explaining to me that, while it would be great if I go, neither of them could get me there at 2 (which was the time the hang-out started) and neither of them could pick me up until 7 (which was an hour after the hang-out ended) and I tried so hard not to grin because I realized that this was a good enough reason not to go.

But when I texted Pete and I explained the current situation he sent me a text that said I have 2 work @ the mall from 12. I could pick u up and u could stay with me until 2. And while I tried to reason that Pete was a 17 year old boy and probably a shitty driver but I realized that I couldn't just tell Pete right to his face that he was probably a shitty driver.