6 Minutes Wrestling with Life

Follow The Love, Jess

The intuitive mind is a sacred gift
And the rational mind is a faithful servant.
We have created a society
That honors the servant
And has forgotten the gift.

Albert Einstein

After reading every article I could find on Tom Ryan, it is now approaching 6:00 p.m.

I have now been up for ninety-two straight hours.

I arrive at the hospital during visiting hours for the ICU.

There are many family and friends in the waiting room all waiting to visit with BettyJane, myself and Jess.

For the next two hours, one at a time, friend after friend comes into Jess's room. BettyJane will not leave. She talks too, hugs and cries with every visitor.

At 8:00 p.m., the ICU nurse pokes her head into Jess's room and says, "I hate to do this, but visiting hours are over please wrap up your visit."

BettyJane and I are currently visiting with Liz, Jessie's boss at work.

Liz was the last person who spent the day with Jess before this occurred. Disbelief, tears, and empathy are all flowing from Liz as she visits with us.

Once again the nurse politely asks us to wrap up the visitation.

BettyJane and Liz decide to walk out to their cars together.

BettyJane and I hug, a long extended hug, and finally there is the double tap from me on her back.

It is time to go home, I tell her.

They both start to walk toward the door to leave.

And just before walking out the door, Liz turns around, and just like Columbo says, "Just one more thing..."

"Mr. Passaro, you should know Jess loved that talk that you guys had the other day. She told me about it at work on Friday. She said it was special."

I watch BettyJane and Liz leave the ICU together.

The talk. Oh my God.

Never have I ever had a talk with my Jess like I did the other day.

My mind reflects back to the talk.

"Dad, I am never going to have kids." Jess says as she sat down in a chair next to me while I was working from home the other day.

"Jess, don't say that – you love kids. Don't worry you will eventually find the right guy, you will fall in love, settle down and you will start a family one day," I respond back to her, totally misreading her statement to me.

"No dad, I know, I am not going to have kids," she says to me.

"How do you know?" I inquire.

"I can't explain it; I just have this feeling. I just know."

"Dad – have you ever had one of those feelings?"

"Yes Jess, I know I am going to write one day. I know it seems unlikely right now, but I have always known that I would write someday."

"You see that's the feeling I am talking about. It doesn't make sense, it seems improbable, but you just know."

"Dad, do you believe in heaven?" Jess asks.

"Jess, why do I get the feeling that this is not about what I believe – that it is really about what you believe? Do you believe in heaven?"

After a delay she says, "Yea, I do," and she throws out another question to me, "Why do you think God let's bad things happen? Why doesn't he step in and fix things?"

"Jess, I don't have the answer to that question. I have often wondered that myself," I reply.

"Do you think there really is a God, then? Or do you think it is something humans have made up to try and explain what they can't explain?" She goes on, "I don't know if I really believe that Jesus was born from a virgin, that he walked on water and that he rose from the dead."

I try my best to have her keep her faith, while having the freedom to question it by asking, "Jess, let me ask you one question – Do you believe in love?"

"Of course I do – it is what everyone lives for," she shares with me.

"Well then Jess, I believe that God is love," I say.

"Just follow the love, Jess and everything else will fall into place."

"That is the best advice I can ever give you, Jess. Just follow the love and everything will eventually be ok."

"I like that – "Just follow the love", you're getting all hippy on me today."

"Dad, why are we so obsessed?"

"What do you mean Jess?"

"Well, I mean everything a Passaro does is so obsessive. I mean you can't even coach a ten-year-old baseball team without trying to win a national championship, or as soon as the boys start to wrestle you have your sights on winning a State Championship?" Jess says.

"Jess, you call that being obsessive, I call that having a goal and being focused. It is a great characteristic to have, but you have to be careful. There is a fine line between focus and obsession," I say to her.

I add, "Jess there are two things I know about us Passaro's:

We are fighters, and we know how to win."

My mind emerges from the memory of my last talk with Jess.

We are fighters and we know how to win.

We are fighters and we know how to win.

I repeat this to myself over and over as I look at Jess in her bed attached to a machine, which is breathing for her.

Follow the love, Jess.

We are fighters and we know how to win.