Poetry at 4am

Except #2~ Bittersweet Nostalgia

(~~It's not who made love with their partner and created you that gets the right to be declared your parent, but the one who nurtured and cared for you all the times you needed the most.~~)

"You know he's leaving soon. this year actually" the words already creating an effect in my lungs my chest constricting tight.
Hearing it was one thing but accepting it was a whole other issue.
I couldn't bring my self to the reality that what my mother was saying to me was true.
The rumors flew throughout the family now and then and even he spoke about it in a joking manner but I refused to believe anything.
Still her words hit me hard.
My lip quivered.
I knew it was happening but I couldn't accept it.
I needed to leave this suffocating room I was currently trapped in.
I wanted to escape into my room where I wouldn't accept the truth, where reality was just a dream and my dreams turned to reality.
If I stayed here, I knew I would start feeling the denial and pain coursing through, allowing one tear to slip, and another would follow creating a storm of tears that would cascade down my face.
I knew this time it was too much.
I heard so many times the same thing about him leaving and it's what caused my endless nights soaking my pillow from my insensitive tears.
This time it became too over whelming, so I got up from where I was sitting, stiffly nodded towards my mother and fled to my room, but he managed to stop me as he called out my name.
"yes" I replied barely audible but he still managed to catch it.
"I heard what your mother said, and yes it's true. I'm leaving soon and I want you to do me a favor." 'no,no,no' I screamed in my head 'don't say it's true' I pleaded even though I knew he couldn't hear me I'd hoped his heart would.
I kept my gaze to the floor in fear if I looked up I wouldn't be able to control an oncoming episode of tears.
"I want you to look after your mother. Keep her safe. Help her around in whatever she may need. You are going to be the one in charge of this house afterwards. I hope you won't miss me too much." he whispered lowly. I gave in and dared to look up as I found him already staring at me with his always serious gaze.
His eyes crinkled at the corners his smile wide yet didn't reach his eyes.
He seemed to be desperately searching for an answer, yet trying to act as if everything was okay.
"Yea don't worry" I lied but deep down I wanted to scream at him and sob into his arms about how cruel he was abandoning us.
He's leaving us like a memory not wanted anymore that eventually floats away and is never willing to be seen again.
He's leaving us with a loneliness where his place would once exist.
He would leave and we would be left wallowing in pity for the rest of eternity.
I wanted to say many things to him, how insane this all was, questioning his unwise deacons but I held my tongue in silence awaiting for this dreadful conversation to just end.
"Good. I'm counting on you" he said with yet another one of his humble smiles.
His eyes seemed to gloss over but the tears never came.
I smiled back biting my cheeks as I held on to the tears with such a strength I thought I could've never possessed.
I walked past him and headed into my room.
I shut the door and screamed into the pillow venting out all my frustration, confusion, and betrayal which soon settled into sadness and I began remembering all the good times I shared with him like I do every single night except this one was different.
I remembered the times we would laugh at each other for no reason.
The days I would come home from school and he would be asking if I wanted burgers for dinner, but he already had them ready knowing I would always say yes.
The Monday's and Friday's we spent watching wrestling because it became our little tradition, although mom disapproved because it didn't seem very lady like for me, but not that I cared. The five little extra minutes he took out of his day to take me to the bus stop.
The days I would call him and ask how he was doing just to make sure he was fine because paranoia always struck when he wasn't home at his regular time.
The nights he went out for poker and I'd always call to make sure he was still in tact and winning.
The numerous times he'd call me asking if there was milk in the fridge because that's the only way he could drink his coffee.
The days he decided to cook for us with such a happiness and then ask us if it was good with his childish smile it was hard to say no.
The time I experienced my first slow dance with him at my fifteenth birthday not even realizing it would be my last.
All the times he's cared so much about me and showed his compassionate side.
I cried and cried and cried till I could no longer cry.
I laid there fearing for the day he leaves because when he does I know I will truly feel pain.
A pain so strong I don't think I'll be able to handle it.
It will feel lonely that place where he belonged will no longer even exist.
He won't be there for me anymore.
I won't get to laugh along side with him as we watch funny movies.
I'll be there sitting alone on the couch as our tradition lays long forgotten.
Getting to hear him say "goodbye be safe" when I went out shopping would be gone forever.
He wasn't the real one but he was close enough as he cared for me and took me as his own since I was young and that's all that mattered for me.
He took a piece of my heart and I have grown to love him and care very much about him.
But now the only person I got the chance to call dad would leave my life forever.