Better Games

4. Awaken

I wake up with a crick in my neck and an ache in my back. What. Why. I think but when I when I realize I'm wrapped in Peeta's arms all my thoughts and back pains disappear. I fell asleep. With Peeta. We stayed up all night and we fell asleep in each other's arms. I can't help myself from grinning. Wait. I had no nightmares. It seems like I said that last sentence out loud because Peeta, who I didn't realize woke up, responds,
"Neither did I."
"I haven't slept that peacefully since..." I tried to think of the last time I slept soundlessly through the night.
"Me too...We fell asleep together real or not real?" He asks pushing a stray strand of hair out of my face and tucking it behind my ear then to rest his hand on my cheek. I lean my face into his hand and answer him. "Real." He smiles. I want to see how high the snow has gotten but I don't want to leave his I brace just yet so instead I hug him closer to me, unsure of how he will react. He stills for a moment then returns the embrace, slowly but surely. With my head snuggled in his chest he tucks my head under his chin. We lay there in silence, appreciating the other's presence.
"Katniss," Peeta says warmly. I can feel his chest vibrates as he speaks.
"Yes."
"I'm not sure."
"Not sure about what Peeta."
"Not sure about myself. Katniss I don't want to hurt you but I want to stay. I know I've hurt you already. In Thirteen, during the war, and I left you for weeks after the war in Twelve. When I planted those primroses I wanted to give you something. Show my sorrow for you, your sister, for the war, for the games, for Gale, for everything we went through, for everything I put you through, and for hurting you. But I," he pulls away so he can look at me. I look up at him and search his eyes. He's pouring out his heart. "I'm sure that I miss you. But I'm sure that I've hurt you. I'm sure that sometimes I loose myself. I'm sure that I dream of loosing you when in reality I might be the one who takes you away from me. But...I'm sure that with you I'm getting better and you make me happy, you make me full again."
A tear rolls down my cheek and before I can wipe it away he notices it.
"I'm sorry," he says as he tries to get up and pull away.
"No wait," I plead, pulling him back into the quilt. "Peeta you didn't hurt me. You don't and I know that you never will. The thing that hurt me was losing you. Losing you to the Capitol, losing you forever t-to Snow. I wake up screaming about games and dead children but also you. And knowing that I Snow might've taken away my Peeta I'm crushed knowing that it was all my fault. I dragged you into the games with me, caused you so much heartache Peeta, I dragged you into hell when I pulled out those berries-"
"And it was a done deal when I pulled them out with you."
I start to shake my head profusely. Tears stream down my cheeks continuously now.
"No Peeta. No. It was me it was my fault. If it weren't for me you wouldn't have been hijacked. I should've been the one to be hijacked, to be able to save you, to die fore you. Sometimes I think this is my own personal punishment. My karma for all the hurt I've put you through and then to have you taken away from me and put me through hurt in return. And thinking this makes me even more selfish...Do you know what Haymitch said to me before the Quarter Quell when I showed up hours after it was announced that the tributes were being reaped from the victors? Do you know what he said? He said I could live a thousand life times and never deserve you, and he was right."
Peeta is silent for a moment and I think he finally realizes what a monster I am when he slowly lifts his arm, caressing mine upwards until it lands on my cheek, wiping my tears away. I take a sharp intake of breath. He lifts his other hand and does the same, leaving my face cupped in both his hands.
"Katniss you're the reason people don't have to send their children off to the Hunger Games anymore. You're the reason the country's free of Snow, of the tyranny of the Capitol, of the abuse to the districts. Katniss all those people went through all of that for you, for this peace, to live their lives without fear and for their children to live their lives without fear of starvation or abuse or being sent off to their death. And it was because you were the hope, the person with enough love and heart for your sister, to a stranger, to every single district. And Katniss I would do it a thousand times over for you. If any of us deserve anything in this world it's happiness and we have that now because of you."
I stare at him. We're both sitting now, his hands still cupping my face and I grab onto them, holding on tightly as if I were to never let go. I was sniffling now and tears were streaming down his face too.
Our eyes are locked and before I know it his strong hands pull me into kiss. The kiss is filled with love and passion but also everything that went unsaid since the War, the longing, the craving, the need just each other's closeness and affection. We stay in the house for the remainder of the storm and on the night I feel that thing again, the hunger that overtook me on the beach, I let it consume me with nothing to interrupt it now. So after, when he whispers, "You love me. Real or not real?" I tell him,"Real."