Better Games

6. Steps

Peeta's POV
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I wake up to an empty bed. With a weird warm tingling in my cheek and a smile plastered on my face I assume Katniss hasn't gone far. Also because when I get up I see that my shirt is gone from off the floor. I pick up my prosthetic leg from the dresser, thankful it's in reach and attach it's intricate parts to the end of my stump of a leg. I stare at it for a while, reminiscing in a world wear I could walk on my own two feet again. I know I lost it for a her, for this. But what if it was on the floor or even a few feet further away on the dresser. What would you-what could you do then. Sometimes I think like this, about how I'm so helpless. How could I take care of Katniss when I can barely take care of myself. That's why she's not here. She left you Peeta. She probably just took your shirt as a souvenir. No! That's not why. I fight the voice in the back of my head as I put my sweatpants on. Not now, not today. I don't want this. Stop, stop, stop! I plead within my mind. I try to block it out like Dr. Aurelius says. He's Katniss' doctor too. He's helped me with my hijacking and calls every month as he does with Katniss. Katniss! That mutt. She brought you here didn't she. Now that she's done with you she's left you here. Even put your sorry excuse of a leg barely in arms length. No, STOP. She didn't do this. That's not tru-BUT IT IS!-IT ISNT!-IT IS! It is. It is... I feel my self fall away in a distant place in my mind. Watching myself do things but not aware of what I'm doing. I go downstairs. I feel angry but I'm not. My hijacked self is angry, enraged. Pull yourself together Peeta come on, it's not real it's not real. It's not real. I fight myself and stumble into the living room. I corner myself as I hear the front door open and shut. Someone unzips their coat and takes off their shoes.
"Peeta I'm sorry I went to Haymitch's house to check up on him and make him-," I hear Katniss announce, stopping suddenly. It's Katniss. She's here, everything's okay. SHE'S A MUTT! NO! I squeeze my eyes shut and hold my hands to the sides of my head. I recite my montra. My name is Peeta Mellark. I'm in District Twelve. The War is over the rebels won. The Rebels were good, Snow was bad. Katniss saved us all-MUTT-Ka-Katniss saved us all.-MUTT-SHE SAVED USSS. SH-E SH-E SAVED ME. I LOVE HER AND SHE LOVES ME.
"Peeta."
I look up and see worry on her face. She knows what's happening she can see it in my face. My hair is messy, my hands dare squeezing my head, and I can feel myself slipping in and out. With all the amount of control I can conjure I respond with ragged breathing interrupting my words. "Katniss...st-stay away I'm not myself. Please! Katnis-ss."
She comes closer, against my wishes. My other self is taking control and I feel my hands ripping away from the sides of my head and I'm heaving rapidly, my face contorting in the process. She crouched down and her face is about a foot away from mine now. My arms are shaking dangerously fast now as I fight myself. "KATNISS GET AWAY," I shout. Fighting myself, so desperately not trying to slip away. She doesn't even flinch. Tears start to sting my eyes and I shut them violently.
"No Peeta look at me, look at me," she says calmly begging me to open my eyes. I open them letting tears spill down my face. It's getting harder and harder to breathe in this jagged way.
"You won't hurt me."
"Yes I will," I respond quickly, opening and closing my hands into fists and out again. I try to sit on my hands.
"Look into my eyes Peeta." I turn my head away from her fast. She takes my chin and turns it towards her. It's me who flinches at her touch. I struggle but look into her eyes against my will. SHE'S GONNA KILL YOU NOW. USE HER MUTT POWERS YOU IDOT. KILL HER. RUN. RUN! I'm about to lift my arm when suddenly she does something against what my other self says. It takes me by surprise.
"I love you Peeta Mellark. Stay with me. I love you. Stay with me, stay with me." Her eyes aren't-tt lying. I'm confused now, and the crying isn't getting any better. WHY AREN'T YOU-

And she kisses me. The animal instinct in me is taken off guard and the hijacked Peeta goes away. As the kiss deepens I slowly become myself again. As we pull apart my eyes flutter open. She smiles. And that's when I burst out sobbing.

I cry into her arms and am soothes my her reassuring words and fragile but sure arms. I could've hurt her. I could've killed her. I was going to. It could've been worse. I'm about to pull away and tell her all these things. Walk away and lock myself away where I can never risk hurting her when she starts to sing.

Deep in the meadow, under the willow
A bed of grass, a soft green pillow
Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes
And when again they open, the sun will rise.
Here it is safe, here it is warm
Here the daisies guard you from every harm
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true
Here is the place where I love you.

I haven't heard her sing since she sang the Hanging Tree during the War for the propos. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard and I realize that I've stopped crying. I look up at her and see a stray tear on her cheek. I sit up and wipe it away.
"I'm sorry. I-" she cuts me off before I can tell her what a danger I am to her. She knows what I was going to say.
"I know. And your okay Peeta. I love you and that's all that matters. I love you." And she kisses my lips softly. I hug her tightly. "I love you too." I sniffle a little. I love her and I will do everything to get better. We love each other and that's all that matters.

We sit there and hug each other. Taking it one minute, one day, one step at a time.