Lately I've been missing my real smiles. I missed that feeling where you could smile carelessly smile for some reason. I miss getting teary from laughing so hard. I miss how careless my acts were, the people around me would smile and laugh. I didn't need to worry about a thing! I miss the days where I was actually happy.
Lately I've been missing lots of people. They were here just a couple weeks ago and now they're all gone. Poof! Just like that. They kept telling me that I'd get through it all. That we'd fight together. But I don't see them anywhere now. Why me of all people? Why couldn't I just live a normal life, with people I care about, and not giving a care in the world? I want to smile again! I want to live again! I want to be free from this terrible curse that's been cast upon me! Sure I could fake smile my through life, but that isn't happiness! I want to be there for my friends who are hurt instead of them being there for me. It isn't fair to them. Why, oh why must it be this way?
Lately I've been hearing voices in my head. Reminding me of all my flaws and that I have no friends. I get it now, please leave me alone. They keep coming back to me when I think that they left me alone for good. Please, I know that I'm too tall, that I'm too fat, and that I'm so ugly that no one would ever want to be friends with me. They keep reminding me everyday now, I'm getting sick and tired of it. Its like they control me, they tell me to say that "I'm fine" when I actually want someone to come and hug me and tell me everything will be alright. Just please, leave me alone!
Lately I've been lying, a lot. About how I'm feeling or if I'm eating properly. I usually answer with a smile and say "I'm good, you don't need to worry about me," and they usually respond with an ok and leave. Which I'm thankful for, because if they ask again I'd probably start sobbing and say "Help me, please," because I really need the help. I don't want to explain why I feel this way. Honestly I have no clue on why I feel this way. Is because I'm fucked up in the head? Possibly.
Lately I've been noticing that I haven't hurt myself yet. And I kinda don't want to. Is that and improvement, probably. I just lay in my bed, writing how I feel about myself, some good some bad. I didn't pick up my scissors. I didn't pick up my small knife. I didn't burn myself. And I feel proud. I really like that feeling. I don't have to look at my thighs and say "I should cut," and honestly it feels like I'm superior. I feel like I'm on top of the world but at the same time, something is pulling me down. I try to ignore it but it doesn't really work. It's hard. I just want to stay on the top and feel invincible.
______________
Hey guys. I finally updated. I apologize if it doesn't make any sense. I couldn't really do anything about that. Anyways... We reached 800+! Thank you guys so much. Honestly.
-Roniya xx
