I'm Fine

19

I quickly and quietly clean up the pool of blood before my parents find it. I bleach and bleach my floor. Thankfully, it comes out.

I take the towels outside and burn them. No, not next to my house, or anywhere near my house.

I have a secret burn pile far far away from here. I've mainly burnt my memories here and there, but I have no regrets.

After the fire dies down, I walk back to my house.

I take a quick shower and change into my pajamas.

After brushing my hair out, I put it in a side braid and crawl into bed.

I didn't loose enough blood to kill me, but it seems that blacking out is as close to death as I'm gonna get for right now.

My guts aren't gutty enough to really kill me.

________

My dad comes in my room at 6:30 the next morning, waking me up for school.

"I don't feel good," I say as I turn on my side.

"Evelynn, you've got to go to school. You're already truant."

"Dad, I'm not going. I feel terrible." It's the truth, only exaggerated.

I stayed up all night crying and weeping. I kept praying I'd just vanish.

My dad sighs heavily. "Look, I know things are hard, but you've got to get up, Eve. I mean, won't Jace miss you?"

"Perhaps. But I don't want to go." I cover my head up.

"Alright, fine. But you're going tomorrow. I love you." Dad says as he closes my door.

"Love you too," I whisper.

I decide to text Jace quickly letting him know I won't be at school. He says he's coming over, but I insist on him going to school.

I don't want to be alone, but at the same time, I do.

Dad leaves, Moms been gone, so now it's just me.

I go to the kitchen to get me some water, and when I do, the door knob twists, and opens.

"Jace, what the hell? I told you to go to school." I say as I walk over to him.

"You're insane if you think I'm going knowing you're not okay." He closes the door, then hugs me.

"I'm okay." I say in his chest.

"No, you're not. I know when you're sad. Let's go lay down." He takes the water from my hand, and walks me to my room.

"No really, I'm fine." I say as I lay back under the covers.

"Then why is there fresh cuts on your arms?" Jace asks as his voice lowers, sounding hurt.

I pull my sleeves down and the covers closer.

"Eve, you told me you'd call me. You told me you'd stop."

"I can't just stop. I'm addicted. Besides, nothing else works. My parents make me feel like shit constantly, even I do. I don't mean to hurt you. But I can't do this." I let out a few tears. "It hurts too much."

"Hey," Jace says as he moves a piece of my hair, "you're not alone. You don't have to do this alone. You have me, and the girls. And your parents."

"If my parents cared, do you think they'd let me continue?" I muffle.

"Look, I know it's hard on you, but please don't let this control your life."

I don't speak. I just lay under the covers, and stare blankly at the wall.

"Scoot over," Jace says as he picks the covers up and scoots under them beside me.

He wraps his arm around me, and, with the same hand, holds mine.

I rub my thumb across his and squeeze his hand.

"I know you're tired of me," I say.

"What?"

"You're tired of me. I mean, who wouldn't be? I'm quite tired of myself, too."

"I'm not tired of you, Evelynn. I'm just worried a lot about you."

"You should be at school."

"As should you. As long as you're home, I'm going to be right beside you. Do you know why?"

I shake my head.

"Because your struggle is my struggle, and I'm gonna stand by you through them all. Whenever you're down, I'll lift you up. Whenever you're sick, I'll take care of you. If you just want to lay in bed, I'll lay with you. Because that's what love is. Love is putting your others needs before yours. And if you need that, anything, I'll bring it."

I smile and kiss his hand.

"You should know I'm not going to be better any time soon."

"I can hope, and help."

I nod my head and then shut my eyes.

I may not be lucky, but I am thankful for having a wonderful loving boyfriend.