I'm Fine

20

I wake up, again, around eleven that morning. Jace isn't in my bed, so I figure he's at school. When I walk out of my room to go to the bathroom, I find him. He's going through my belongings, throwing things here and there.

"What are you doing?" I ask as I move him aside.

"How many? How many do you have?" Tears roll down Jace's face. I can't stand seeing him cry.

"It doesn't matter," I mutter as I pick up the blades.

"It does too matter, Evelynn! I lost my mother to suicide when I was younger. I've told you this before! I lost one woman in my life, I can't lose another."

"Technically, I'm not a woman yet. I'm just 16." I say as I sit on the edge of the bathtub.

"Thank God he's given you 16 hellish and beautiful years to live. Please, don't try to leave. When it's your time, you'll go. But I know that's not right now."

"And what if it is, Jace? Huh? What if it is my time?"

"Then you would already be gone." He sighs and sits on the toilet seat. "Look, I'm sorry. I just worry one day I'll come over and you'll be lying on the ground dead. Just like my mother was when I found her."

"I know, I'm sorry." I say as I put my hand on his knee. "I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want to hurt, either."

"Then go back to your therapist. I'll go to every damn one of your sessions. I want you to get better. I want you to be happy. I want to see you succeed in life. I don't and I won't let you give up. Ever."

"You just don't know how hard this is for me." I put my head in my hands and begin to cry. "It's an everyday battle with myself. I don't want to get up, go to school, do anything, but I have to. All I want is to die. I want people to leave me alone and let me die. That's all. No one understands. Hell, my mom wanted me dead when I was born. She tried to have the doctors to murder me. I wish she would've."

"Enough," Jace sternly says as he stands over me. "I'm not going to let you sit here and sit in self pity. We're going out." He stretches his hand for me to take. "Come on."

"Where are we going?" I ask as I take his hand and stand up.

"To find your happiness."

"I don't need happiness."

"Yes, you do. And we're gonna find it. Together." He leads me to my bedroom to put shoes on.

I don't bother changing my clothes, I don't even want to go.

"Evelynn Rose, you're going to be happy." Jace kisses my cheek and holds me tight.

"Ja-"

"Sh. Don't speak."

I smile at him, and for the first time, I think it's real.

Life can be amazing.