I'm Fine

12

"Listen to me," Camille says as she stand. "You're not worthless. You shouldn't feel the things they make you feel. You're none of it."

"If I'm not, then please explain to me why I'm here." I yell. The fresh hot tears run down my cheeks, and into my mouth. I grip the sheets of the bed tighter, and tighter until I finally rip them off. "The demons in my head are my only friends. They're everywhere. On my back, on my shoulders, in my head. Every-fucking-where. I'm 15. I shouldn't have to go through this." My breath hitches, and I realize I'm going into a panic attack.

"Evelynn," Camille says rushing to my side. She places her calm hand on my back. "Open your eyes, dear."

My chest is tightening, lungs crushing, eyes closing. I feel like I'm dying.

This is it. I think to myself. This is how I die.

"Eve, come on now. Please don't think this is it. Just open your eyes." Camille calmly says. "Just open them."

As my breathing evens out, my chest loosens, and my eyes open.

"There they are." She lays me back in my bed, fixes my sheet, and shines that little light thingy in my eyes. "Your pupil isn't as dilated as much." Camille sighs. "I was here to check your blood pressure and heart rate, but now, I believe it can wait another half hour. You shouldn't be alone, though. Is there anyone you can contact?"

Sweat drips from my head. "Jace," I hoarsely say. "Jace."

"Ace?" Camille questions.

I nod, and say "Jace," louder.

"Jace, yes. Let me contact him." Camille exits my room again, leaving the door open.

I sit up, bringing my knees to my chest.

"I can't do this anymore." I cry. "It's too much."

I dig my long nails in my wrists, drawing blood.

My once white gown now has blood stains on it.

I take my nails on my right hand and drag them down my left wrist.

The pain is back. If I can't have my razor blades, scissors, anything, I've got my long nails. Just anything to bring my best friend back; pain.

"Eve! I'm here," Jace says as he walks through my door.

I quickly strip my wrist of my nails, hiding my arms.

"I'm so glad you're back." I force a smile. "I had a panic attack. I thought I was dying. I was so happy. But then she made me open my eyes, calming me down." I add anger. "I was so excited. I really thought it was my time."

"Evelynn, no. Stop. I'm not letting you do that."

"What does it matter to you? I'm just some freak you found at school." I shout

"Absolutely not!"

"Don't lie to me, Jace. I'm not in the mood." I say, throwing a pillow at him.

"Listen to me," Jace says as he reaches for my hand.

"No! I'm tired of listening to everyone. It's time for someone to listen to me. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of living. I want you to just forget about me, and not even care if I die or not. I'm so done. For the rest of my life, I'll have treatment. Do you know how that makes me feel? Horrible. My plan that night was to die, Jace. If you would've stayed at your house, where you we're suppose to be, we wouldn't be in this damn mess we're in right now. You can't save me. I'm forever going to be like this. I'm going to be successful one day soon at committing. I wish you'd stop worrying about me. I'm perfectly fine." I take a deep breath and pull at my hair. "I'm a fucking mess, accept that. You can't save me no matter how hard you try. I'm not important. I'm not special. My whole life has been nothing but abuse from my mother, and cutting, and starvation from myself. This is the only way of living I know. This is how it'll always be. I gave up on myself a long time ago. It's time for you to do the same." My voice cracks as the tears start falling again.

"Eve, I'm not giving up on you." Jace takes my hand, and kisses my fresh cuts. "I'm going to help you get over this."

"I don't need help. I need to be dead. Why can't you see that?" I cry hard in his chest.

"Because I know you have a bright future. I can't let you leave without conquering. I won't. You can hate me forever, but it isn't going to happen." He runs his fingers through my knotted up hair, and continuously kisses my forehead.

"You have to let go." I cry.

"No. Not today. Not now. Not anytime soon."