The 5 And Only

Chapter 19

Basically I started with my mom, and how she died, and what I know about that. I even told him some of my favorite memories with her. When I started with the memories I began to cry. All Harry did was stare inattentively into my eyes. He didn't try to comfort me, or speak, he just stared and soaked up every little detail. Then I went on to me becoming depressed, then my first thoughts of cutting, then my actual first cut. After that I told him about all the bullying, with those first words, "I get bullied...a lot...everyday...and I got bullied today and had a breakdown...that's why Brooke texted you to come get me.." His jaw clenched very tightly. Trying to keep any words from spilling out. He still stayed quite though, I was very proud of him usually he can't deal with stuff like this without exploding. Throughout the rest of the conversation his eyes stung with tears. Even a few tears escaped his eyes when I began talking about my 8 suicide attempts. Those I didn't get into great detail because when I do I get triggered and over think and just want to try again. I feel cowardly for never finishing myself off. I should be gone right now. I told him how therapy never helped, just made it worse. I told him everything....except the thing about my dad. I left that out because I had no right to say that without Mike agreeing, his is just as much of a part of it as me. After almost and hour exactly I was done talking.

I stayed looking at the ground, shaking, fumbling with my hands biting my lip. Harry kept looking at me. "FUCK!" Harry screamed, standing up as he punched the arm rest on the couch. The sound made my jump. It scared me, it made me think of my dad. Harry stormed off into the kitchen as I stayed in the living room, letting him blow off steam. Then I heard something hit the wall really loud and at that point I shot up and jogged into the kitchen. He stood there, bleeding knuckles, and a large deep dent in the wall. I calmly walked over to him and grasped his shaky hand that had just punched the wall. "Harry, don't do this...I'm sorry I know this was all too much in one day an I apologize for that just please calm down." I almost whispered. Harry kept looking down at his knuckles not daring to look into my eyes.

Finally he looked up and our eyes immediately locked like magnets when they are centimeters away from each other. His eyes glassed with tears. Right when he looked at me his angry expression faded and was replaced by a sad expression. "Oh my god I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I shouldnt've acted like that I can tell it scared you." At this point he was crying, "I'm so sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. Sorry for never being there. Sorry for freaking out. Sorry I didn't ask what was wrong when I saw so much pain in your eyes and fake smiles after fake smiles after fake smiles. You are my world and I don't want to see you fall apart." Harry was weeping into my shoulder pretty surprisingly instead of him being the one to collapse into me with emotion I was the one to collapse. Harry was keeping me from being on the floor. His arms felt so safe and secure...even more secure than Liam. I suddenly feel very vulnerable and weak but Harry kept me strong. He's seen me in my worse state yet still cares about me. FINALLY! Someone actually cares about me.

The weeping stopped and we just stood there together. "You know, Harry, never say sorry for never being here for me. You were the one that kept me alive. You were the one who I talked to when I felt like cutting or committing suicide because talking to you always brought a smile to my face...a real one. Even though we weren't in the same country or city or wherever, you have been there for me more than anyone else has." I spoke up. Once again. Silence. "I love you." Harry said with confidence.

What? Those three words rang in my head like church bells. Does he mean more than a friend or just friends? What do I do what do I do? "I love you too." I smiled even though he couldn't see my face. And I really did, for once I knew for certain. I love Harry.