The sun hangs low over the trees and busy streets as I lay with tired eyes on my stomach. My bare back is exposed to the light breeze coming through my open window and the curtains sway with the greens outside. Demi hums against my shoulder blade and I close my eyes like a child hiding in plain sight. Her bare chest moves just slightly against my side as she lifts her head and whispers a quiet 'fuck' to the sun before her head collides with my body once again.
Her cheek and the weak sunlight warm my skin on this fine morning. After all this time, I'm finally no longer waking up to old shadows at the crack of dawn. I'm not going to be dancing in the dark, trying to choreograph movements for the us we used to be. The raindrops of her tears will no longer slide down my windowpane.
"Your heart is beating quite quickly my dear", Demi says in a rasp as her fingers slowly drag down my side. Her black nails glisten as they make their way to my hip and resting once they reach the sheets.
"Those nimble fingers of yours aren't exactly helping", I smile.
"You weren't saying that last night", she whispers at my ear, causing me to giggle and writhe away as her hands playfully grab my hips and press them to hers.
"Because I couldn't find the air to breathe!" I take a fistful of white fabric and jerk it off the bed when I suddenly stand and make my way over to the window. Demi is behind me and finding her way to me between the sheets in no time. While I lean on the window frame and inhale the day in one deep breath she nuzzles her nose in my neck and gently closes her eyes in peace.
Last night was something else. Our bodies just seemed to speak to each other. I didn't need anything but her and she did not need anything but me. When Demi told me she loved me as she hovered over me with low key prowling eyes, I believed her. I smiled and replied I loved her too because I did and I do. Those words kept slipping out of her mouth like the ghosts of lovers past. They were dropped into the little space between my neck and her teeth like handwritten letters in a mailbox. With every glance and every touch there was a message received in a broken language only we could decipher. It was beautiful.
It was also a mess but that is besides the point.
The silence we are surrounded in is a familiar one, but it is new in this form. Never has Demi let go of me in brushes of skin covered with tape to keep it silent and distant. Her facial expression is longing but distracted. Her limbs fall like broken tree branches and when she looks up at me as she grabs her t shirt of the floor I see the flock of seagulls flying away from that lone giant before it can destroy more than their home.
I thought this was over, I thought searching entire constellations for a shooting star to wish for hope was gone. We've both been fighting our own monsters and enemies. While they had claws and handguns we had each other. However, now that the enemies have become familiar to us, an enemy of my enemy is my friend. Now we must point our defences at someone else.
"I thought last night put this behind us", I say, sharpening my pitchfork and loading my bayonet.
"Last night you were different. You went to the window and suddenly you were breathing a different air or something", she pokes back. I can practically see the sword and handgun glimmering in the morning light. Her eyes are dark and steady, not even a blink of an eyelid disturbing them.
"Just because there is a space bigger than normal between our conversations does not mean something has changed".
"It doesn't mean it hasn't-"
"For Christ sake, Demi!", I yell, drawing my gun, "maybe we're seeing things with different eyes. Maybe the reflections of light on the actions we take are making them differ between us. I thought I made it clear I was done with all this arguing and questioning".
"Be straightforward for once, Natalie. I'm not going to go through a mirror maze just to understand what you want to say but don't have quite the courage to do so", she cuts in.
"You don't get it do you? Here", I scream as I stomp to the kitchen and come back with the closest knife i could see -which just happened to be a steak knife- and flailed it around. Demi's stone cold expression surrounding a burning fire instantly morphed. She was now anxious and afraid. "Maybe if I cut myself and make you watch to see how much it bleeds then maybe you'll understand". Watching her expressions and twitching mouth reminded me of myself. I am like that on the inside. I am afraid and full of anxiety because I'm afraid of losing her. This war we're in is old fashion. It's dirty and bloody and because we're friends with the monsters in the closets and the ones that slept beside us last night, it's either me or her. No matter what I'm always going to end up pointing words at her and weapons at me.
"Nat please put the knife down", Demi pleads as she takes a step forward before cringing at the fingertips and taking two steps back.
"If you can't tell that these situations pain me on the inside then maybe, just maybe I have to actually rip my heart out. Maybe I have to actually cough up blood. Maybe I have to actually stop breathing because it is not neatly put in a picture frame for you. I could be set on fire and scream less than now". My throat was scratched from all the razors I was spitting at Demi. Her face was beyond horrified. Perhaps it was because of my choice of words, perhaps it was the steak knife but at this moment in time I did not care.
"Natalie, please, I'm begging you-"
"The time for begging is over", I growl in a hoarse roar. Demi is in tears on the floor while I stand over her hunched body. It was then that I analysed this bizarre situation and the enraged and crying spirit I became backed off me so I was right next to her, torn and crying to the hardwood floor, begging for it to stop as I pounded my fist against the smooth surface until I was sure I was bruised.
For the next twenty minutes we sat their sobbing next to each other but in two different worlds. The knife never left my hand. Instead, I clenched it in my fingertips and screamed at nothing with little voice to give. I cannot state or describe why, I just simply needed someone to blame for my faults. The knife was practically glued to my hand. I wanted it gone, me and sharp objects have always been at odds but this is different. I'm dangerous now.
Demi very slowly eased her jumping heart and caught her breath as I caught her tears in a bucket and kept my eyes fixed on the sun. Her knees bumped the hardwood as she crawled over to me slowly. She moved like she had been sleeping with a bear. Maybe she calls me grizzly behind my back. I can't help but wonder what she sees through her misty eyes. The bundle of limbs and failure sobbing to the earth like Mother Nature is to blame. The small paws with sharp claws gripping the silver cloud that breaks with red rain. The bear growls with tear stained fur and patches in her sides from battles she's lost. The hair is thin because of all the torturous nights without her lover and instead with the wild animals living between her ears.
Perhaps, when she removes the knife from my grasp and puts it on the dresser she's afraid of the wet nose and dark eyes as they glare at her hostilely. Maybe the grizzly fades and becomes just a cub as it cries again and crawls into her lap.
I feel the last of her tears drop on my cheek and merge with my own as she leans over me, whispering sweet nothings as if I am not the animal I am. Just as I slip into a cloak of back the soft song of "what have we done", lips through Demi's lips and the echo of my head.
ВЫ ЧИТАЕТЕ
Two Eyes Down: Nearsighted
Teen Fiction(Reading book one, Two Eyes Down, is strongly suggested) Natalie isn't blind anymore, but when she has to walk back into her life with sight not having it before, she might as well have been. She still has the life she did before, with friends and...
