Phan- You and Me (completed)

Chapter 1: My caramel remorse

Phil's POV
The familiar theme of Mario Kart played in the background while I was preparing the chocolate chip pancakes. It was a (what a big surprise!) rainy evening in the heart of London,the kind of evenings that invite you to snuggle on the couch and drown in the sweet bliss of doing nothing.
I hummed quietly along  with the tune as the dough sizzled in the pan. The smell of chocolate filled the lounge and I couldn't help being proud of myself forplanning the perfect Dan and Phil games session.
These evenings became a rare delight. Although we live together, I hardly see Dan around. But I guess that's totally normal, we've been working hard lately. After all, videos don't edit themselves and a radio showneeds to be prepared and social media calls to be maintained. So it'stotally normal that we don't talk much except for the YouTube andradio related conversations. Totally perfectly normal. The angrysizzle of the pancakes shook me out of my denial. Sure, as if anything concerning us is normal, ever. "What?", I askedthe pancake. "Good job, Phil," my inner voice mockedsarcastically. "You were always a master in running away fromthe truth"
I sighed deeply as I turned the chocolate dishwith a swift hand movement. The pancake made smacking sound as it hitthe pan hard. Okay, maybe the lack of human interaction between meand Dan wasn't "totally normal". Okay, maybe I should stoplying to myself. That's what you wanted to say, inner voice, right?Never mind, you don't need to bother, I already know the answer.Okay, so maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I screwed up a little. Ieyed my pancakes sadly, realizing they were my weak attempt of abelated apology. In order that it wouldn't be a burned apology aswell, I piled up the last hot pancake and got the caramel sauce outof the shelf. The sugary, rich smell awoke the memories of the day Iscrewed up.

It happened two weeks ago: Dan and I had anawesome trip to the pier in Brighton. It really was awesome, we played Arcade games, rode roller coasters, and lay in the sand. We ate a ton of different foods, until Dan forbid me to consume more sugar. When we came home that evening I was still filled withexcitement and just couldn't sit still, I was so happy! The evening got even better as Dan took a small bag of mini doughnuts withcaramel drizzle out of his pocket. "You have a sugar problem"he smiled as I tore the bag out of his hands with a thankful squeal.We got quite comfortable at the couch and started watching Attack onTitan. It was quiet, but a nice quiet, the kind of peaceful quiet where no words were needed.
"Phil?", Dan then asked,ripping me out of my doughnut munching. "Hm?", I asked between two bites. He laughed a little as he saw my caramel beard."Can we talk?" He became serious. I looked at him funny,because he never needed to ask that, I was always ready to talk to him! "Go ahead", I muttered, swallowing the last bit of sugary heaven, not tearing my gaze away from the TV screen.
Danmuted the TV. To think back, that should have made me suspicious,since he never muted the TV, he just tuned it down. "Phil, lookat me, please?" "What's the matter?", I asked a little angry (Hey, don't blame me! My favorite episode was on! And the best part was yet to come .... Okay, I already screwed up in this moment,okay). I regretted my tone instantly, as I looked at him. He chewed on his lower lip, like he always did when something bothered him."Sorry", I put a powdered sugar coated hand on his arm."Hey" I shook him a little. "Dan?" He took a shaking breath. He was never nervous, he was always self-conscious when he was around me. "C'mon, tell me. You can tell me everything. No matter what it is, I won't laugh at you and it won't change anything between us" (Little did I know how wrong I was)Dan eyed me with an unreadable expression. I really started to feel alarmed back then and squeezed his arm for support. My best friend opened his mouth and: "PhilI'mgay" He looked away quickly. "What?" I asked to make sure I heard the right thing. Afterall, Dan mumbles and I'm just about deaf. "Phil-I'm-gay"Dan squeezed every word out between his teeth. To be honest, I was caught off guard. I didn't know where this came from all of sudden.And I didn't know what to say! ("You're a 28 years old man and don't know how to response to your best friends outing. Way to go,Phil..." Thanks, inner voice) Sexuality had never been a topic between us, we never talked about stuff like that. I just don't like talking about this. How am I suppose to have an opinion about the sexuality of others, when I can't even come to terms with my own?!
"Uhm.....how...wonderful for you?" I stuttered,trying to find the right words. For Dan, "Uhm.....how..wonderful for you?" weren't the right words, apparently. "Thanks,glad it's finally out" His tone was dry. "I'm going to bed", he announced with a sigh. "Wait, Dan, look, I'msorry, I'm just not good at-" "No,no,no it's fine, I know,k?" I looked at his fake smile, feeling uncomfortable and helpless. Dan had never lied to me straight to the face before. It still makes my stomach clung painful when I think about it. "I'm just glad to have you as my best friend, who's always there for me" I couldn't even tell whether he was being sarcastic or not. But before I could ask him, he was gone, the door to his room had been shot and I was left alone with the flicker of the TV screen and a remorse that tasted like salty caramel.

Both me and Dan have been avoiding a conversation ever since. He just disappeared in his room and I couldn't seem to find the right words. Plus, I am confused. I don't understand where it all came from and why it's so difficult for me to react. It's not like it changes anything....it's not like I'm against it... it's just that it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't know why. And I'm not ready to think about it.
I shook my head to get rid of these thoughts I've been avoiding over the past 14 days. Today was the day! Today Phil Lester would make things up for his mistake!
Gaining some of my hopes back, I poured caramel sauce over the steaming pile of pancakes. Dan would love it! Mario Kart, pancakes, his favourite tea. It would help me to get my old Dan back.
"Da-aan!"I chirped, sitting down on the couch cross-legged. "Everything's ready for the best evening ever!" My smile grew wide as I heard Dan's door creak....just before it was nipped in the bud when I saw Dan . He changed his pyjama bottoms and messy shirt to tight grey jeans and the leather shirt I hate with burning passion. His hair was styled on point and he wore his "going out" shoes. "Great, have fun, I was just on the hop, anyway" "You...but...we..."I was too shocked to speak a proper English sentence. Did he forget that we wanted to spend a gaming evening? Dan never forgets those things! "You know, some friends from college called, they're having a party at the Level 5 club and I feel like joining them. You know, sitting around all day, playing video games can be really boring sometimes" Boring? With me?! He used to love these boring days we spent like that! I thought he hated social interaction without technical devices near as much as he hated the police sirens while filming a video. I looked at him bewildered. My mind was racing, I was angry and sad and while my mind was racing, my mouth started talking without my permission. "Can I come along?" What? I don't want to go to a club! Phil and clubs are two things that don't go well together. Kind un-mixy things. On the other hand,at least I could spend some more time with Dan... The Dan in question gave me a strange look. "Well, Phil, yeah, I don't think that'sa good idea. You see, you don't know the people and you'd be bored"he scratched the back of his head. "You don't want me to come along?" I asked quietly, now in full control over my voice. What was going on? This wasn't the social-awkward, geeky Dan I had taken in my heart. "Well-" Dan avoided answering my question. "It doesn't hurt our friendship to do alone stuff now and then, after all we see each other around the flat all day and other people are also nice to hang out with" Ouch. So that's what it feels like being stabbed by a friend. "But don't worry, I'll make it on time forour departure tomorrow" I totally forget that it was that time of the year again: Lester family gathering. Every year for my mother's birthday, my brother and auntie visit my family home in the North and celebrate the whole weekend. Dan always came along since we became best friends. At least he didn't forget about this.

"But-"I started, a weak final attempt to make him stay. "I made us pancakes"
"Oh" he smiled. "Great, I'll have one for the way, thanks Phil, you're totally the best!" With that, he was gone.
I sat in silence for a few seconds to fully understand what just happened. I got ditched. By my best friend. Mario's theme was still playing in the background, but now instead of making me happy, it seemed to be my soundtrack for being left alone.I stared at the pancakes and felt more and more miserable. I put effort in this evening! I wanted to make things okay again. And now,suddenly, I felt like a waste of time for Dan. By the time I felt tears bubbling up in my eyes, I decided it was time to distract myself. I'm a grown up man, grown up men don't cry because they're ditched. With a sad sigh I started playing Mario Kart all alone. After two hours I started eating the whole plate of now cold pancakes all alone. I watched Attack on Titan all alone with eating far too much chocolate, cereal and popcorn to forget I was actually sad. That only made me feel more sad, because I'm a grown up man and can't finda way to handle a disappointment without calories and television. It was past midnight when I turned off the TV. I just sat there in the dark and tried not to think about today. I know I've made mistakes and I know I'm a loser when it comes to dealing with it. But at least I tried. Okay, maybe I didn't try so hard to solve this problem.Maybe I just started to escape into excuses. I know I should start thinking about why this whole "PhilI'mgay" thing makes me feel uncomfortable. My heart was beating painful in my chest and I felt a lump in my throat. There was more, a little something that made everything worse. I tried hard to put my finger on it, but avoided getting to places in my mind, where I didn't want to be. You can judge me now, I'm a coward. Suddenly it was 2 o'clock and I was still on the couch staring into the darkness, with Dan nowhere to be seen. I went in my room, to check my twitter (It always makes me feelless alone). My news feed was rather boring, many advertisements of YouTubers for their new vids, some delightful tweets of Tyler andEllen DeGeneres. It calmed me down and I even managed to laugh a little here and there until I saw IT. IT was a photograph Dan uploaded only some seconds ago. In the pink, purple, blue light ofthe club there was Dan, grinning like a Cheshire cat and a boy and agirl, both kissing his cheeks and holding unidentifiable drinks. The caption said: "Best evening since forever!! Love you guys somuch! #goodtime #dontwanttobesomewhereelse" The lump in my throat was back and it threatened to choke me. Dan used to hate tweets like that. He used to love to making fun of them. Maybe this whole situation built up more worlds between us than I thought. I read the comments. A lot of people asked "Where's Phil?""I'm right here, at home, alone" I replied, my voice tasting bitter "Where you want me to be, Dan". Little puddles of water formed on my touch pad. I'm crying, I realized.Desperately I tried to stop the tears from falling, which only made them fall more rapidly. Why does this hurt so much? Dan and I are just best friends! He has friends, I have friends, it's okay, right?! If he's just my friend, why is nothing okay right now?! Stop that! I'm a grown up man! I shouldn't care! "Stop lying, Philly"I finally admitted defeat, curled myself in a ball and hugged my Totoro plushie. "What a great grown up man you are", my inner voice mocked.