Phan- You and Me (completed)

Chapter 2: My selfish heart

Dan's POV

"First of all, I feel bad. I knew he planned something, I didn't forget that he wanted to hang around. It's just,being around him all the time-" "Dan, what are you mumbling?" You did it again, Dan. You talked to yourself again while others were around. Good job, you weirdo. "Nothing, Katy"I stared out of the cab window, London city lights flashing before my eyes. It had been a fun night out with all my old pals. Okay, maybe I got a little drunk. Okay, maybe I got a bit carried away. Okay, maybe I shouldn't have posted that photo. Katy touched my face. "You seem stressed", she slurred, still drunk. The lucky devil. "I'm fine" I smiled. She pouted, not believing me. "If it's about that Phillip-" "Phil," I corrected. "Whatever, if it's about this guy, I know what you are playing" She smiled bright. "I think you like him" She giggled a drunken giggle. "I-" "You don't have to say no more! Just tell him! And then bring him along next time, so we can party together!"She laughed and hiccuped. "Sure, Katy," I said to get her to stop talking to me. I felt the overwhelming urge to get my phone out and have it as an excuse for shutting the world out. She knows me well, we dated a year, but I broke up after I invested some time to think about my sexual orientation. After .... meeting Phil.

The cab stopped in front of her flat. "Don't hide, Danny", she whispered and kissed my cheek lightly, before she stumbled out of the cab.
Her words had such an impact on me that I wasn't even mad ather for calling me Danny (Hate that stupid nickname)
I wished I was still drunk to stop my thoughts from turning. I wished I was still drunk to use it as an excuse. But the alcohol was gone and everything left was this empty and cold feeling in the guts. I felt horrible for leaving Phil alone. I felt horrible looking into his blue eyes and telling him that I don't want to spend time with him.
Everything was going down the drain. I bit my hand to prevent myself from screaming (the cab driver already eyed me quite suspicious). Everything was so frustrating! Being with Phil, being without Phil- nothing felt right. Since I outed myself in front of him, after a decade of hiding, my whole life became so stressful. And he doesn't even know the entire truth. But if he couldn't deal with me being gay, how could he deal with me being in love with him? Beingin love with him for almost fucking ever.
I was stupid enough to think that my outing would actually make things easier for me. But here I was, sitting alone in a cap with Barcardi stains on my pants and sorrows in my head. Things are going fine for Daniel Howell, aka the boy who seems to screw up everything when it comes to Philip Lester.

"20 pounds, Sir" I was home.

I had no choice,I had to leave. I couldn't stand the tension any longer. He doesn'tknow what to say and I don't know what I want to hear. "I love you too"? Oh, please. Fairytale happy ends are booked for little girls. I wish we could just talk. Talk like we did before I screwed things up. But, but I had to tell him! I can't hide forever, can I? There lived a silent storm inside me, that was looking for answers. I'd wait forever and a lifetime to find I'm not alone- but when will my silent storm be calm?
I just wanted one little evening without having to look at these ocean eyes and adorable smile and black fringe. I just didn't want to see him. Didn't want to yearn for him when he wasn't looking. Didn't want those butterflies in my stomach,although more than friendship was not going to happen. Forgive my selfish heart.
The flat was dark and quiet. The smell of pancakes,caramel and tea still hung heavily in the air. I sighed, feeling more horrible with every step I took.
Small snoring sounds could be heard from Phil's room. I peeked through the gap in the door, todiscover a little mess. The light was still on, the laptop was still on, his glasses were still on. My lips formed a little smile. This man is driving me insane. He is so lovely. Without a sound, I placed his glasses on the bedside table. I instantly wished I wouldn't have done that. Dried tear paths stained his cheeks, his collar and Totorowere damp.
Without a second thought I ran out of his room and into mine. I'm an asshole. A gigantic lovestruck asshole. But...I have tothink about myself as well....right? I'm ruining Dan and Phil: The friendship while hoping for Dan and Phil: The lovestory. I groaned into my pillow. Everybody knows sequels suck. And our sequel would be  a disaster, like Shrek 2 (seriously, nobody needed that movie).
And Phil doesn't get it, he has no clue and I don't know when I'll detonate. I can't tell him but I can't stay silent for the rest of my life. I bit my pillow angrily. The clock struck 5:00. In 10 hours we would have to leave for the Lester family gathering. A whole weekend Phil all the time with no way out. How am I going to contain my feelings in this situation? With him being even closer than usual?
I should have cancelled. Should have found a stupid excuse to stay at home. But Phil would officially hate me if I had. I just can't win. I can't even drown these stupid belly-butterflies with alcohol. How I'm doing? Great...just great.