Phan- You and Me (completed)

Chapter 10: My written confession

Dan's POV "Oh great, entrance Romeo" I ignored Jace, whose presence felt uncomfortable to me all of sudden. Another knock, followed by his voice. "Dan? Dan!" The promised guilt creeped into my system. I treated him like shit, to put it nicely. Every sane human being would have turned his or her back to me for the aweful things I said. Realize they gain less than they loose. Like, I would hate me tbh. Like, I'd totally tell me to piss off, to leave if I can't control myself. But Phil – impersoned marshmallow cupcake – not only ran after selfish, bitchy me, but also spoke to me with this voice. His "I'm not angry"- voice. It had been used a lot in the past, especially when I totally freaked about him being mad at me for various reasons (Like accidently spilling coffee over his shirt or tumbling over his favourite house plant, to only name a few) and he just...wasn't. He just shrugged and laughed and went like "Oh well, some things happen." Hearing him in that moment really made me emotional. This guy had a heart of gold, while mine was a crumbled plastic ashtray. Yet still he was the one banging on the door, to win back my attention.

"I'm going to do something now that I should have done much earlier!" My heart started to speed up. Stupid me, for still having hope. Phil wasn't going to return my feelings. Especially not after my little fit. ...right? ...There's no way that....someone like him could love...someone like ...me, right? "Are you listening, Dan?" "We'll all be listening if you don't tone it down, dumbass", Jace mumbled while lighting up the cigarett between his teeth. Screw that guy. Phil had been right about him all along. And I had been stupid enough to be lured into his charme. Screw me.

All of my attention was focused on Phil. I can't deny it, the butterflies in my stomach started to move again. "Dear Dan-" my heart sunk a little. The note. The little letter. The little letter I refused to read out of anger. "I'm writing you this letter because I'm a coward." He took a small break to take a deep breath. Long enough for me to whisper "No, you're not. I'm the coward here." I could Jace feel roll his eyes as I leand against the door to hear Phil better. Only some wooden centimeters seperated us, still it felt like miles to cross. What was this feeling? This excitement, this anticipation, this fear. I felt like these words were extremely important for our relationship- whatever it was. I haven't felt so alive in weeks. " I'm writing you this letter, because I'm afraid of messing it up again." I dared not to cross the space between us. I just needed to open the door. But....something held me back. "I've made a lot of mistakes the past days and I'm very sorry for that. I know, a weak "sorry" won't do, but it's all I can offer you right now. It's all my mind seems to manage right now. I'm completely honest with you, alright, Dan? That's what you wanted me to do, right?"

 "Right" I answered the wood quietly. I felt aweful, yet silly happy. "I'm confused. I feel like a stranger to my own thoughts. They travel back and forth and don't seem to make any sense. I'm not sure of anything anymore- where mistakes start and right things begin. I feel terrible." I felt my body slowly sink to the floor. What have I done? What the fuck have I done? "But there is one thing in this mess that finally started to make sense to me. It's you" I let an unaudible gasp. My heart beat so fast, I dared to assume in which direction this was going. Stupid me. Stupid lovestruck heart. "Do you still remember all the crazy things we've been through? These are my dearest memories. And every single one is shared with you. I never really thought about it, untill now. It's not the experience itself that was special, it was the fact that I shared it with you. You're the reason for my happiness" This..wow....wow....oh my god...Phil... I heard him clear his throat. Knowing Phil, I sensed how much courage it took him to say those words. A shudder began to creep up my spine. His words reached straight through my chest and strocked my broken heart.

"Dan, this is not easy for me. I doubted a lot the past hours. Yes, I'm afraid. Afraid of the things the future holds for us. But...only now I realize that...." He hesitated, obviously trying to gain control over his feelings. When he spoke again, his voice was shaking. "I don't have to be afraid as long as we're together. My biggest fear is losing you, Dan. I need you in my life. I was an idiot for not seeing it- but it's you. It always had been you" I let out a small noise, overwhelmed by my feelings. It was finally happening, wasn't it? This was the moment I saw in my dreams, right?