Phan- You and Me (completed)

Chapter 9: My new confidence

Phil's POV

It is fascinating how much people change if they're willing to lower their inhibition level. This wasn't my Dan, but in an unfamiliar way this person seemed familiar. I felt like discovering another side of the person I thought I knew by heart. Yet again, this weekend seemed to open my eyes for a lot of things tha thad been hidden out of my sight. Although I was blinded the whole time (a whole eternity so it seems), right in that moment my vision was clearer than ever. Dan was a sorry sight. Dark circles under the eyes, pale but rosy alcohol cheeks and a patronising smile on these lips. He wanted to fool me. Like he fooled me all along. I did some thinking this evening. Rethink my actions. And I have to admit- I continued screwing up. Dan needed me, but I wasn't there. I wanted to make things up ages ago- with pancakes...I mean...seriously? Pancakes could fulfil a lot of miracles but they couldn't patch a brokenheart.

Then- things complicated further and I found myself unable to do the things that might be the right ones for Dan. I was so busy with my confused feelings that I failed to look at him. 28 years of life experience and still....still I was a child. But I always gave my best to be mature for Dan. I hate being an adult with doing adult stuff and worrying about adult responsibilities but it gave Dan security, so it was fine with me. Deep down, in that forbidden place in my mind, I always wanted for him to be happy. To be happy with me.Looking at him trying to be angry at me showed me that I failed this little aim as well. As I saw him disappearing and not returning withJace, I decided that it was the right moment to let mature Phil out again. Okay, so I was worried.

Okay, so maybe I was jealous. Okay, soJace's hand on Dan's knee drove me insane. Okay, so the thought of himbeing alone with him again, with my Dan was enough to make Phil Lester- the embodiment of a stuffed animal- boil on the inside. "I'm trying to kill something here, if you know what I mean" Dan tried to laugh his famous "Fuck off, I don't care about you"-laugh, but I wasn't in for any more tricks. "Stop talking nonsense, we'll get you to bed so you can rest-"

"I'm not going anywhere with you" Drunk Dan was worse than every brattychild. But then again- who was I to talk? "Dan-"

"NO Phil, don't you "Dan" me!" I tried to stay mature and calm. I really did. But it was Dan. Dan yelling. Dan drinking because of me. I felt like crying. "I'm sick and tired of your empty,meaningless words!"

"They're-"

"You know what Phil? Shut up, I don't want to hear it" Although he might not be serious, Dan managed to arouse a feeling of misery in me. It hurt more than I'd liked to admit.

"And you know what else? This" He got my letter out of his trouser pocket. The fold was still neatly, an indicator that Dan left it unread (Why I insist this, you wonder? Dan sucks at folding. He never gets it done neatly). I didn'texpect him to read it right away, but that he didn't even seem to have touched it, wounded me. Okay, so maybe he wasn't ready for it,maybe he didn't trust me, so maybe he was afraid- but not even a small glance? I tried to pour my heart into that thing, writing all the words, that didn't seem to leave my lips, down. Dan held itangrily in his hands and started to rumple it in front of my eyes. The need to cry intensified. "Keep it" He threw it against my chest.

"And now, leave me be- I don't need you" I bend down to gather up the content of my heart. My hands were shaking. He couldn't be serious. There had always been a way. I didn't lose him...did I? Jace was watching our scene with great amusement. "What are you looking at" I growled low, not wanting him to be there or existent. HE was taking Dan away. Dan laid his arm clumsily around Jace's neck. It disgusted me. Said Jace just stayed silent and watched us with mild amusement. His hand wandered to Dan's hip. It was a game. A show. He wasn't serious with Dan. Just playing around. And I didn't want my best friend to be another name on his list. But he seemed to happily run into Jace's open arms. Well....I guess...it was better than being pushed away..... "Give it a rest, Phil,you're just jealous-" Oh no. I sensed what was going to come. Dan was about to cross a border. "Because he is better than you anyway-" Something inside of me died. Maybe that was the feeling of a light going out. He knew exactly that his was my weak point. "In oh so many ways-" I felt my body starting to shake. The need to cry vanished. Instead, I wanted to be swallowed by the ground. I could feel my heart ache slightly with every beat. He was hurting me. And he seemed to enjoy it. I clenched the letter in my sweaty palm. I searched for Dan's gaze to tell him he had gone too far. But he refused to look into my eyes. "Only take the sex appeal, sorryPhil you just can't cope with your Shakira hips" That was really unnecessary. That 'Phil's body is not as hot as Jaces body'-thing again. I'm aware, thanks. There was no need to point a finger at it. Dan was getting out of hand. "Dan, I think it's enough now"