Phan- You and Me (completed)

Chapter 8: My intoxicated mistake

Dan's POV

Man, I love the petting zoo! No, seriously, I love those fluffy little animals. They don't care how broken you are, how much your life sucks, how less you think of yourself: All they want is food and snuggles. If give them that, you're the best person ever to them. If only everything in life was as easy and satisfying as befriending a tame animal.
The situation between me and Phil reached it's zenith of awkwardness and misery this afternoon. I was torn between being happy about the awesome family time and my own disaster, about my future, my bygone love and all in all my poor existance. Matters were complicated further by me trying my very best to hate Phil and failing. It was impossible for me to hate Phil. I feel like I owe myself even a tiny glimpse of hate (he toyed with me, never seemed to understand me, never found the right words) but still....he was my Phil. My loveable Phil. The try of hating him hurt me on a physical level. Although hate would have made everything easier. Now it's just...I still want him, although I will never get him. I still lovehim, although I try to act like an ass. Guess it is impossible to forget someone who gave you so much to remember. And...I guess feelings can't be switched off, no matter how torn and doubted they are.

After all...I've had a crush on him since I watched his videos....I thought it disappeared when we got to know each other.But boy, was I wrong. Feelings don't dissolve, they just get ignored-only to attack you again when you the least need it. I mused over the most effective way to get myself into the state of apathetic ignorance, while all the Lesters were gathered for our last dinner together for this time. All Lesters except for my favourite, throwing me into a void, Lester: Phil.

My plate was filled with a remarkable amount of Fish and Chips (How British, eh?). I'm 100% sure Evelyn is a firm believer of the theory that we live on cereal in London (she might be not as wrong as I like to admit), so she proceeded to fatten me the best that she could. But, being a smartboy, I knew that food wasn't going to fill the Phil-shaped hole in myheart. I stared at the potato sticks, as if they knew the answer toall of my never-ending why's. "You're late"

"Sorry,had to wash the goaty smell off me" My staring at the chips intensified. I heard Phil sit down next to me. He smelled fresh, like an endearing combination of sweet vanilla and woody cinnamon. I avoided breathing in. How am I going to cope? No, don't think aboutit, just ignore the arising feelings of desperation and despair. Stay cool. Be an asshole. Built your heart of plastic. Get cynical and sarcastic. Don't give in. So I took a big gulp of the Guinness infront of me (I don't even like Guinness....). I could feel Phil's gaze upon me, watching my strange behaviour. "I agree- the sheep's wool was so fluffy!" I tried to take part in the conversation Lucas had with auntie Lily. "It was the fluffies thing ever" Jace to my right agreed with me. He laid his arm causually over my shoulder. Hello, distraction! Phil huffed a little. He and Lucas shared a meaningful glance. Well what was going on between these two? "Dan, after dinner, could we-" The second gulp aimed to be loud enough to not hear Phil over it and tasted even worse than the first one. Jace eyed me with an amusedexpression. "No, Phil. I need space" Well....technically I wasn't even lying. Still it felt so wrong. "Dan-" Phil started again in a whisper.

No Phil! Not again, I can't take this, I just want to forget, to ignore, to not feel and not think, I don't want to listen to the wrong words coming out of your mouth. I can't take another hit....The things that I want are not going to happen, so I prefer nothing to happen at all....I ruined our friendship and you ruined my hopes. We're even. Amazing how many thoughts fit in the length of a gulp of awful beer. But I'm a liar, I want to talk to you, I want to listen to you. I still want you...but the thought of another disappointment keeps holding me back. I'd love to feel love,but I can't stand the rejection. I hide behind my jokes as a form of protection. I turned my head a little. Phil did not seem hurt. More like...he already knew I'd react like that. Damn him knowing me sowell. I miss us...I miss the things we did..the fun we sha- NO! I'm angry, when I said I missed you I lied...okay that was a lie....Oh,damn all this to hell. Hey...actually that Guinness thing doesn't taste so bad, after all.