Phan- You and Me (completed)

Chapter 5: My emotional rollercoaster

Phil's POV

I hate him. And myself. I hate everything about this. My parade was downright soaked, not only soaked, there was a tornado that killed off everything that reminded of my once beautiful parade. My heartbeat painful and throbbed in my ears.

Memories were floating mybrain, memories I kept down so well all those years. People pointing at me and laughing. People pushing me. Friends not inviting me to parties. Walking behind everyone because I was the friend who always had to walk behind if the pavement wasn't big enough. Jace making fun of my hair, my posture, my games, my dreams, my good grades, my me. My first impulse was to get Lion and bury my face into his furry body. "Crying because of his stupid stuffed animal" Jace's voice rang in my ears. So I cling to stuff like that. So it makes me feel secure. So I still need things to keep me secure, I'm 28. Other people are parents at the age of 28! And... I'm a child. I was no man back then and I would probably be nothing more than a man child for the rest of my life. ("And I thought you were the manliest man alive" Inner voice? I don't know why you seem to hate me so much but I would be very thankful if you would shut up) I would never bemore than "Just Phil", just a friend, just a waste of time,just a nice flirt, never more. Not the man you want to hold you close and make you feel safe. Not the man anyone would want to call their man. It was not like I loved Audrey. But she was the first person who actually laughed at my jokes and loved the same games that I did and she always shared her ice cream with me. She didn't laugh when Icried because I couldn't find lion. Maybe I could have come to love her. Maybe if I only had the chance to let her near. Maybe if...I would know by now what it feels like to be desired. What if feels like to be "My Phil, my AmazingPhil", instead of "JustPhil". In a romantic, in a sexual way. And maybe I would know by now whether I was....

"Phil?" Dan's voice got through the door. "Phil let me in" My first impulse was to pretend I wasn't there. Which would have been stupid, since Dan knew that I was there. "Phil, I'm coming in now!" I started to rub my watery eyes quickly. I hate me right now for crying. Why can't I shrug it off? Why can't I be cool and distant? Why, why does Jace still manage to make me insecure?! "Don't try to fool me, silly" My eyes burned as I turned away, burying it in my blanket. The mattress sunk a little under Dan's weight as he sat down next to my head. I tried to breathe quietly, but my heart was exploding in my chest and pulsed heavy in my ears. Dan stayed silent for a little while. I couldn't stand the silence, only our breaths, his even, mine unsteady. A strange feeling aroused in my belly. It wandered up,passing my heart and settled itself in my throat. It played with my trachea and took my breath away. I was chocking.

"Hey,"Dan's voice echoed through my haze. His hand caressed my hair hesitantly. This warm feeling destroyed my barrier. A flood filled my eyes and debouched softly. My body betrayed me. "Hey,hey...don't" Dan whispered as he pulled my shaking shoulders into a clumsy hug against his chest. "It's okay.." he mumbled into my hair. I cried for a bit, feeling both miserable and relieved. I cry too easily. I guess it's my way of handling pressure. Casts a beautiful light on my state of being a grown-up male, doesn'tit? "Sorry that I laughed," Dan said while he patted my hair to calm me down. "Don't be," I managed to croak. I satup, freeing myself out of his hug.... My best friend eyed me closely.His brown pupils wandered over my features, showing how his mind was racing, trying to understand the whole situation. "Phil" he sighed finally. "What is this all about?" I swallowed hard."I mean, why didn't you tell me any of these stories"   "I was embarrassed," I mumbled. "I don't like to remember it,it's just like something I want to push away and-"

"Are you serious? Like are you fucking serious? Phil!" My expression must have mirrored the consternation I felt. "You don't need to be fucking embarrassed in front of me! I'm your best friend for fuck's sake!" "You never asked" I tried weakly. "Of course I did not fucking ask, I thought your life was as perfect asyou pretended it to be!" A cold hand clenched my heart. It hurt.I felt so small, I hated every second of this. Why did he change so suddenly? I'm used to occasionally mood swings but this reaction went overboard. Where was the warm hug? My body betrayed me, was an ally of my pathetic feelings. Dan is not a person to show much of negative emotion, he's more of a silent sufferer, lets all the negative emotion slowly devour his insides. Such an outburst was more than just unusual. My voice was shaking, as I asked, "Why are you so angry?"