Tiva Short Stories

Prayer for the Dead

(Disclaimer/ background knowledge: there is an actual Hebrew prayer known as the Kaddish. A person only says the Kaddish after they have recently lost someone. It's is beloved that saying the Kaddish helps the sport of the living person move on, and the spirit of the deceased to travel to heaven... For those of you like WTF are you talking about / why do we care ... Read on ;) )

There is an ancient Hebrew prayer known as the Kaddish, which is only spoken by those who have recently experienced the loss of a family member or friend. 

There is an ancient Hebrew prayer known as the Kaddish, which is only spoken by those who have recently experienced the loss of a family member or friend ... That I have unfortunately had to utter many times.

There is an ancient Hebrew prayer known as the Kaddish, which is only spoken by those who have recently experienced the loss of a family member or friend, that I have unfortunately had to utter many times... That I must say once more today.

It's been almost 3 years since I last saw him alive, but when I close my eyes he is still here. I can taste him on my lips, as if he had said goodbye at an airport in Tel Aviv yesterday. I can hear his ridiculous movie trivia, as if I had never left the bullpen.  I can feel his warm touch, like he was next to me in the hotel room during our first undercover operation . When you leave a place behind, you always assume when you return, it will be exactly as you had left it,But Tony is dead. He is gone. He is gone. He is gone. Each time I think it, a metal ball climbs into my throat and tears swell in my eyes. "You left him, you hurt him, you do not deserve to grieve because he finally left you." I am not a woman of prayer, I believe in taking matters into your own hands: to fight your own fights, not to leave it up to someone else to make something happen. But in this sense , the only way for me to make something happen, was to put my trust in the above, and so I prayed :
ברוך, שב, לכבוד, נעלה, הלל, מהולל, עריצה, ו שבח להיות השם של הקדוש ברוך הוא, מעבר לכל מילות ושירים הארציים של ברכה, שבח, ונוחות. ועל כך אנו אומרים אמן
//Blessed, praised, honored, exalted, extolled, glorified, adored, and lauded be the name of the Holy Blessed One, beyond all earthly words and songs of blessing,praise, and comfort. To which we say Amen //
The Words come from my mouth without much thought, the familiar bitter taste of loss becoming greater with each phrase. I have said them many times before, what is once more ? I have nothing but loss in my heart, nothing but pain in my soul, nothing but the prayer for the dead on my tongue.  The words do not bring me blessing ,praise, or comfort, but I do not deserve to cry for Tony, I do not get to be mad at Tony, I am the one to be angry at , not him, yet I mourn. I say the next line with passion :
ייתכנו שלום בשפע מן השמים, וחיים, עלינו ועל כל ישראל, שאליו אנו אומרים אמן.
מי ייתן מי יוצר הרמוניה גבוהה, להביא שלום עלינוועל כל ישראל כדי. ועל כך אנו אומרים אמן.
//May there be abundant peace from heaven, and life, for us and all Israel,
to which we say Amen. May the One who creates harmony on high, bring peace to us and to all Israel.
To which we say Amen//

But there wasn't peace for me . I was not peaceful. Tony could not be dead . My blood was boiling , my pulse racing, my hands coiled into fists. I wanted revenge, but the only one to blame, was myself. A wave of grief and anger came over me and I punched the strong stone wall of the synagogue. I recoiled. This was all my fault ....
{Flashback}
There are 2 natural responses to chaos: to shut down, numb oneself, and act as if it made no difference, or to let it make all the difference, and change your entire life. The same is true of loss. I have found self on both sides of the spectrum. When I lost my sister, I lost everything, and became hollow inside. I chose to feel nothing at all, then allow myself to mourn. I carried myself tall, I snapped at anyone who asked about my well being that "I was fine," while chanting the prayer for the dead under my breath when I was alone. I had to be fine. If I admitted I wasn't fine, then everything would collapse. I threw myself into my studies, my dancing, my English lessons.