Tiva Short Stories

Words You'll Never Read

I miss you in the way that people make fun of

In the "why don't you just move on" 

But what if I don't want to move on.

"Just screw him, You deserve so much better"

But what if I wanted to deserve you.

And I wish I could hate you 

But I don't

I just don't

I hate that I can't talk to you anymore

I hate that I can't look at you without remembering that you don't feel the same thing when you look at me

I hate when I remember how much you made me laugh, on my worst days and my best days

I hate walking into a room and looking for you, then remembering I'm not allowed to be excited when I see you 

I hate that I still smile for a moment when I look at you

I hate that I could look into your eyes forever

I hate that you were the one that taught me the importance of eyes. When you just look deeply into them and feel chills come over you.

I hate half smiles

I hate wondering what you would think if you could see me

I hate that it really seemed like we were going to make it.

I hate that I should move on.

I don't want to move on.

Its not my choice.

None of it was my choice.

Because my choice was you.

But your choice was her.

I hate that I would still choose you.

You don't care. You probably never did. But I do. 

I mean did. 

So here's to small talk, and turning my head.

To thinking about not thinking about you.

To making myself smile 

See I could wait for you.

The way you wait for her.

But one of us knows when to give up

I don't hate you

I don't hate the memory of you

I hate that there's no future with you.

But I don't want to hate

You madame into a person who hates

I hate myself for not being good enough to make you move on

I hate that I let myself depend on you for so much happiness

I hate all the things I associate with you.

Because at the end of the day, 

Hate is the opposite of what I feel for you. I mean felt.

I mean feel.

So I'm writing down words you will never read, to a person who never felt the way I felt. May they bring as much joy to you to hear, as they took from me to say. Because I care about you.

Cared.

Care.

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Whoops feels train all aboard.