Human Again (A Jeff the Killer story)

28. Not himself anymore

Hi everyone! This is a chapter about Anders' life cause I feel like you don't really know him, so here it is! Don't worry, Jeff is coming back soon, and Emilie too.
Thanks for reading.
Enjoy,
Xx

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Ander's pov

I carefully pick the roses that I have been taking care of for some months now. They are a perfect deep red, with their beautiful petals, not even damaged a single bit. I take one of the two ribbons I took with me this morning and tie the roses together with it, making a small bouquet. I do it once again.

With the bouquets in my right hand, I slowly walk to the woods near the manor carefully, trying not to strip on the many branches over here. I know the way like the back of my hand, as I often take the same path to go to the lake. But it's still dangerous to walk here without being careful.

After 15 minutes of walking, I arrive at the lake. It's a long blue lake, surrounded by woods. A lot of birds are singing near it, and it's refreshing compared to the heat on the streets and in the manor. During summer, it's like a piece of heaven, where no one can go except me. I used to go here with them before, we all loved to eat and lay on the grass. Rosa even swan here a long time ago, it's one of the best memories we've made together.

I head to the familiar graves just next to the lake. I take a deep breath before finally looking at the two gray graves, with a lot of decorations near it : photos, objects, and a lot of flowers. They always loved flowers, so I pay attention to always bring some when I visit them. I carefully sit down in front of them, reading the names I know by heart, revealing the usual pain in my heart.

Alexandra and Rosa Lenx
1971 - 2008
1993 - 2008

I take off the dirt and leaves that have been accumulated during my absence, before replacing them with the two bouquets of roses. I then plaster my face with a fake smile, as I know they'll prefer that than my tearing face.

"Hi girls. I'm sorry I couldn't come before." I apologize, sitting next to the graves. "I've been quite busy with Jeff recently. He's been quite a pain in the ass this year, and it has increased these past months. I though his pain will fade away, but no, it's increasing actually."

I carefully caress the two graves, especially the names, thinking of their lovely faces. Their two blond curly hairs, just like dolls, and their blue wonderful eyes. They both looked the same - they were both my treasures, my everything.

"Jeff has always been crazy since Emilie is gone. But I can't be mad at him, I kinda miss her too. I'm sure you'll have liked her too, Rosa" I turn to her grave and try to imagine her feature, how she would be 6 years older if she was still here. I can already feel a lamp forming in my throat as I can't imagine her well at that age. The fact that I'll never know is just too hard to take.

"Sorry," I apologize again, suddenly feeling sad, "I shouldn't talk about sad topics now. I know you always told me to keep cheering up, even though you're not here anymore." My voice cracked a little at the end of my sentence. The pain is unbearable, knowing I'd never see them again.
After all these years, the pain hasn't decreased a bit. It's always there, in my heart, wherever and whenever I am. Those bastards took everything from me. How I wished they would have killed me instead of them. They didn't deserve that, they were happy, beautiful and cheering their lives. All of that because of a stupid gang who couldn't accept the fact that I was happy, living a suitable life, far from their wars.

"How can I be happy if you're not here with me anymore?" I ask them loudly, feeling the tears falling down onto my face. I won't wipe them away, I couldn't care less.

"I miss you. I terribly miss you." I say while sobbing more, hugging the graves of my daughter and wife like it was them.

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When I head back to the manor, it's already afternoon. I must have been gone longer than I thought.
So it is, the kitchen clock shows me 3 p.m. Indeed,  my stomach is aching for food, I haven't eaten since this early morning. I head to the fridge to grab something to cook. I take chicken nuggets and pasta - I'm not in the mood for long preparation.
While taking a plate, I remember that Jeff might not have eaten too. Is he even up?
I decide to check his room up the stairs to know if he's here. I can see the dark under his door, and I'm feeling worried about him. I know he doesn't care about me, but I can't help my "father side" to come back when I'm with him.

I met him two years after he had killed his parents. He was completely crazy – even more than today - and wanted to kill everyone. He found my bar with no particular reason, and we talked a lot. I found him...interesting for a reason. I knew that under his crazy mood and his anger, he was sad, mad against everybody. Maybe it was because I had lost my family some months before, but I found the urge to help him, a young boy that had nearly the same age as Rosa. So I offered him to stay here with me. In the beginning, he didn't come often. But I hated to admit that I was glad when he came, I couldn't be alone, the pain was too high. I needed a distraction. Just like the bar I created to distract me from the pain.

It's only since Emilie has been here that he really moved in. I was surprised in the beginning, why would he chose her to play? She wasn't super sexy - so I knew that he didn't choose her to have sex with her -, so why bothering to keep her alive, when he loved to kill so much? Then, I understood. He liked her, no, he loved her. Even if he didn't know it, I'm sure he kept her alive because she reminded him of...him, maybe. Who knows? His mind is so twisted.

I was hoping she could save him. Make him kill less, make him smile again, make him a normal young adult, make his pain away. Teach him how to care, how to love. I thought it was starting to work, he was less scary, he killed less, and I even found him smile one time when he exited her room.
She was hard to convince though. She didn't want to fall for him, even though the fact that she wanted to know his past had risen my hopes up. She was going to understand him, to save him...

But she ran away. She chose to leave him behind. I couldn't be mad at her, I might have done the same thing if it was me. Why risking my life for a crazy murderer, while I could live a long and wealthy life far away? No way she would have stayed, even though I believed it at one point.
Now, she's far away from here. Living a normal life again. Well, if we can call a secret life "normal". I keep sending her letters, and I sometimes receive replies. I know her address, and Jeff has never found out about our conversations. He's so centered about looking for her that he can't see what is right in front of him.

The problem, indeed, is that Jeff is still looking for her. I didn't expect him to be this...obsessed. It's not only love, it's an obsession. He's only the shadow of his former self. I don't know what to think anymore: it was my fault after all, I wanted him to change, but not in this way. He has been into so much different stages after her departure: treason and incomprehension, anger, hatred, sadness, and now depression. I can't believe after a year and a half, he's still in that strange state. He hasn't killed since who knows when, he doesn't leave his room at all. I feel like he has now finally given up on her, but how can I be sure? Sometimes he will be himself again for some days, run to the city to find a clue of where she can be, and go back home and repeat this endless circle.

A sound coming from his room wake me up from my thoughts. Maybe he's awake after all? I knock at his door, before entering his room when I receive not reply. As predicted, he's still under his sheets, shirtless. His window and curtains are completely closed, letting no piece of light enters his room. It smells strangely, like he hasn't opened it for weeks. I can't see well, but I can easily guess that the floor is a mess. I can distinguish a lot of forms in the dark, like food, clothes and unknown things.
He is...unrecognizable.

"Jeff," I call him "you need to get up now. It's already 4 p.m and you haven't eaten since yesterday."

I hear him muffle under his pillow. Damn....I'm not his mother! Where is she? Oh yes, he killed her.

"Get up now." I say in an angry tone that I hope will make him obey before exiting his room quickly, disgusted by it.

Emilie...look at what you've turned Jeff into.