So You're Leaving?

pain

Dally sat there for a while, exhausted. He had never felt so drained. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was stained with traces of tears. He had only cried a little, but the sensation was so foreign to him that just the few tears he'd shed had taken a good deal of energy. He felt oddly numb now, sitting there alone in the train station. A few people gave him a quick glance, but most walked right by and ignored him. One elderly lady paused for a moment and gave him a sympathetic look, but she kept on walking. Dally noticed that he felt nothing. Ordinarily, people looking at him funny would have really set him off. But not today. The moment he'd turned and let Johnny go, a piece of him was gone. He felt no anger, no rage at the world. He felt... relieved Relieved... but how could relief and pain co-exist this way? No, he didn't feel pain. He couldn't feel pain right now. He was so empty inside. So full of nothingness. Eventually, he got up and headed to a men's room where he splashed cold water on his eyes. He caught a look in the mirror and what he saw startled him. He looked just like he felt, which was pretty bad. Guess I aught to head on home, he thought. Maybe he'd just crash for the rest of the day. He left the train station and walked out into pouring rain. He was completely soaked within minutes, but he hardly noticed. He just kept walking. He didn't really know if he was going to catch another taxi, or hitch hike or what. What have I done? He kept asking the question over and over, part of him certain that if he continued to ask, somehow, he would start to believe that this was all a mistake. He would come up with an answer that was so convincing, a solution so much better, that he would have to bring Johnny home. But somewhere, deep inside his mind, deep inside his soul, he knew this was how it had to be. Johnny had a window of escape, and he had to go, before it was too late. You've gotta leave me now . You've got to go alone, You've got to chase the dream, One that's all your own, before it slips away. After a while his legs began to ache. His stomach was growling and he was really cold. He finally ended up hitching a ride with some guy who drove him the rest of the way to the Curtis's. Originally he had intended to just go back to Buck's, but he wasn't thinking and he told the guy Darry's address. When he got out of the car, he realized what he'd done, but he was too tired to bother going anywhere else. He stared at the porch for a minute, thinking of Johnny. Johnny wasn't there... a brief feeling of intense pain filled him, but he buried it. He wondered vaguely if Johnny was feeling anything like he was. Probably not, he thought, trying to find some comfort in the idea. Johnny was free. He was safe. When you're flying high, Take my heart along. I'll be the harmony to every loney song that you long to play. He was too tired to notice that the Ford was parked in the driveway and at least Darry was home. In his mind, only an hour had passed. In reality, it was after 5 p.m. He had sat in the train station for quite a while and then walked for miles, not necessarily in the direction of "home", without even realizing it. He just kept thinking as he climbed the steps... Johnny's going to be fine, Johnny's going to be fine...what have I done? He hoped Johnny remembered what he had told him, that if he changed his mind, he could always come back. When you're soaring through the air I'll be your solid ground. Take every chance you dare, I'll still be there, When you come back down. He reached the top of the Curtis front porch and opened the door. He was completely drained of energy. I'll crash on the couch for half an hour then I'll head over to Buck's, he thought. But at that moment, he realized someone else was there. He almost jumped when saw Darry moving about in the kitchen. Darry just stared at him from the other room. "Where have you been?" he asked putting down the dishes he was setting out at the table. It sounded so much like he was talking to Ponyboy that Dally almost wanted to laugh. Darry walked over to him. "Dally? You're soaked- you're freezing! How long have you been outside?" Dally just looked at him blankly. His eyes finally widened when he saw the clock. He let Darry lead him to the couch. "Sit down, " he commanded and hurried off to the hallway. He came back with a couple towels that he handed to Dally. Dally just sat there. Darry got down beside him and took one of the towels. He took off Dally's jacket that was heavy with rain water. Dally leaned forward and put his head in his hands. Darry put the towel hesitantly around Dally's shoulders. Something was very wrong, he didn't know what. He had seen Dally cool and calm, he'd seen him very aggressive and he'd seen him mad as hell. He'd never seen Dally behave the way he was now. It was almost like... his spirit was gone... like everything that made him the way he was had changed. "Dally?" Darry talked to him quietly and cautiously. He didn't know what to expect. From the way he knew Dally, he sort of expected him to just blow up with anger at any minute, but he wasn't himself at all. "Kiddo, I think you've been outside too long. You're gonna make yourself sick, if you haven't already... Look, why don't you go put on some dry clothes and have something to eat. Are you hungry? Have you even eaten at all today?" Dally shook his head without looking up. "No," he said weakly, trying to muster some anger, some of his old self, but it just wasn't there. Darry was getting a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. Dally was messed up. He was never quiet. He was never so... docile. He actually looked like he was on the verge of tears. Darry felt bad. He hadn't realized what losing Johnny would do to Dally. He had had a suspicion that Dally might take this hard, but this was worse than he had suspected. He had already begun to have concerns for the rest of the gang, but now he realized his main concern might need to be refocused. Finally, Darry squatted down beside the couch. "You know what, Dal?" he asked softly. "Johnny's ok. He's gonna be all right." Without looking up, after what seemed like an eternity, Darry barely heard him whisper, "How do we know that?" Darry wasn't prepared to answer the question. He didn't know. But he didn't have time to answer, becuase Dally spoke again. "I didn't think this would be... so hard." His voice, again, was almost inaudible, but Darry could clearly hear the pain in his words. It took every ounce of effort he had for Darry to control his reaction. Who was this? Nothing was hard for Dallas Winston. And he certainly wouldn't admit it if it was. He was terrified, Darry realized. Terrified that he had made a horrible mistake in letting Johnny go and he was too far away to protect him now. Darry thought for a moment before he responded, chosing his words carefully, and hoping that he could be of some small help to his grieving friend. "Yeah, I know. We all miss him. But you know what? He's safe, Dally. That means we'll get to see him again. I know we will." Darry tried to sound as convincing as he could. "Tomorrow night he'll be sleeping in a bed in a house where nobody will hurt him. He'll be warm, he'll have enough food to eat. He'll be able to go for walks, hang out, he won't have to be afraid anymore... And he'll be dying for you to come and visit him so he can show you his new life... And probably his new dog." Dally glanced at him for a second. Darry caught a fleeting glimpse of what he thought might be amusement as Dally processed that thought. Then he leaned back against the couch, his eyes glazed over with exahustion. A drop of rain water fell from his hair and ran down his forehead. Darry wiped it away carefully with the corner of the towel, still cautious to get too close as Dally could lash out at any time. Darry stood up. "C'mon," he said as he took Dally by the arm and lead him down the hallway to Soda's room. He pulled some sweatpants and a shirt out of the dresser and handed it to Dally. "Put on some dry clothes and lie down for a little while. I'll get you something to eat. And Dally, "he paused and looked Dally in the eyes, not really sure what to say. "Just because he's not down the road doesn't mean that he doesn't need you anymore. He's gonna call here eventually. He's probably really scared right now and he probably really misses the gang. He's gonna need everybody to be strong for him. When he calls, he's gonna want to hear your voice. He's gonna want to hear you tell him that everything's 've got to take care of yourself, keep your strength up. He still needs us. He still needs you, Dally. This was the right thing to do... It's not easy takin' care of little brothers." Dally finally made real eye contact with him. Darry smiled slightly and headed off to the kitchen. After a few minutes, Ponyboy and Soda came into the house. Dally listened as the door slammed shut behind them. "Pony?" Darry called. There was no reply, only the sound of Ponyboy's door closing. "He hasn't said anything all day," Dally heard Soda say. "Steve's in a real sour mood and Two-Bit- he hasn't even smiled once today!" "I know, little buddy. Everybody's takin' it hard. But it's gonna be ok." "How do you know, Darry?" Soda said, his voice despondant. "I just do, all right?" Darry replied reassuringly. How do you know, Darry... Dally repested the question in his head. You don't know. Nobody knows. Eventually, Dally gave in to exhaustion and drifted off into an uneasy sleep. Darry set out some plates for dinner. I'm going to be doing a lot of damage control around here for a while, he thought. I'll have to get after Johnny for leaving me with such a mess. He immediately thought better of that- Johnny would be crushed if he knew what this was doing to everyone. Dally woke up about 7 hours later. It was about midnight and he wasn't sure where he was. He looked around, and slowly, as his eyes adjusted, he realized he was in Soda's room. Then he remembered lying down for a minute after he changed into the dry clothes Darry had given him. I must've fallen asleep, he thought. Soda usually slept in Pony's room anyway, so it didn't matter that he had taken the bed. His stomach growled. A clap of thunder, loud as a gun shot made him jump. His first instinct was to go see if Johnny was sleeping in the livingroom. Johnny was not terribly fond of thunder storms and many times, if Dally was around, he would go and sit with Johnny until it passed. Dally loved thunderstorms. It was one of the few things in nature that he actually took great pleasure in observing, though he would never admit it to anyone. But Johnny hated them, and Dally could tell. So he always made a point to be around Johnny if he could when there was one. But then he remembered... Johnny wasn't in the livingroom. Dally, in his groggy state, felt a surge of what he could only describe as mild panic... What if Johnny was all alone in a strange place and scared to death? Dont be ridiculous, he told himself. It probably isn't even raining where he is, he's so far away by now... That thought did nothing to ease his tension. He got out of the bed and headed for the kitchen. He had to get some food. Darry had left a plate in the refridgerator for him. He got out a fork and had just sat down to eat when the phone rang. It was Friday, and it was not unusual for someone to call the Curtis house that late. What was unusual was that everyone in the house was asleep He picked it up. "Hello?" "Dal?" Dally's stomach knotted. "Johnny? Johnny, you ok, kid?" "Yeah, I'm fine. We had kind of a long stop here, so I thought I'd give you guys a quick call... uh... how's everybody?" Horrible... sick... this is killing everyone. Ponyboy isn't talking to anyone, Two-bit hasn't cracked one joke all day, and I think I'm going to throw up. Again. "We're good, kid." There was a bit of an uncomfortable pause. "Oh... good." "So, uh... how's the trip been so far?" "All right. It's long... " "Yeah, I'll bet it is." "Is Ponyboy around, or did he end up going to the movies?" "Nah, he didn't go. He's asleep. They're all asleep. I can't believe it, man. It's Friday..." "Yeah, wow... well, can you tell everybody I said hi? I gotta run, man, the train's gettin' ready to go." "Sure, kid. And hey- it was good to hear from you. You take care..." "You too, Dal." "Johnny?" "Yeah?" "...Everything's gonna be fine, kid." Dally said softly. He kept the fear and pain completely out of his voice, just like Darry had told him. There was another pause and Dally was pretty sure he heard a faint sigh of relief on the other end of the line. "Thanks, Dal." Dally put the phone down and stared at his food. Then he covered it up, returned it to the fridge, and went to the livingroom to lie down on the couch. And I'll be on the other end to hear you when you call. Angel you were born to fly, and if you get too high, I'll catch you when you fall. I'll catch you when you fall. Hours later, the morning sun broke through the clouds and streamed into Soda's room and across Dally's face. He opened his eyes and tried to process what he was feeling. Something bad had happened, but it the brief moments of haziness that occur between being asleep and awake, he couldn't quite remember what. Then it dawned on him and the painful ache intensified. He remembered the phone conversation. He looked out the window and suddenly his eyes narrowed and his jaw set. I can do this, he thought, as he stared at the sunbeams coming through the glass. I'm going to help Johnny do this... Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings, I know the sky is calling, Angel let me help you with your wings. When you're soaring through the air, I'll be your solid ground. Take every chance you dare, I'll still be there. When you come back down, When you come back down.