moods / phan

chapter eleven

// why would someone let me punch them - that would be painful af. //

dan

Dan is conflicted inside his mind.

He isn't sure what to do. Phil trusts him and he doesn't want to break that - that would be disastrous. However, if he did tell Phil, what would that achieve? What would he say?

Hey Phil, so when I was at your house I eavesdropped on your mum and brother's conversation. Your dad is back, I don't know what that means but he wants custody of you.

Dan isn't exactly sure what that would even accomplish, he knows to little to tell Phil about what he heard. He can't tell Phil because surely there would be a good reason his mother wouldn't tell him...

Dan sighs, running a hand through his hair. He really doesn't need this extra weight on his shoulders.

Dan then begins to have a breakdown right there in his room. He feels tears pick his eyes to the point that he can't see a things. He starts to feel the warm, salty tears roll down his cheeks and he begins to just throw things blindly until his room becomes a giant mess.

Then, Dan collapses to the floor, hugging his knees go his chest, and there, in that spot on the floor, Dan finally looses it.

He's crying to a point where he just can't stop. Everything's he's always pushed back, all the pain he's bottled up is now pouring out of him in tidal waves of tears. He cries until physically can't anymore, until all his energy has left him, until his whole body aches with sadness and until he just feels empty inside.

Dan isn't sure at what point he stops crying and what point sleep takes over his body, but either way, when he wakes up the next morning, he has absolutely no desire to get up and begin the day.

Then, there's a knock on his door, soft and hesitant; not how his parents usually knock. Dan doesn't move - whoever that was can just leave him to his misery; but they don't.

The door handle turns slowly before the door creaks open. Dan doesn't look up, he just stays in his position, curled up on the floor, a broken mess just like the room around him.

"Dan!" Phil Lester's voice tells out and footsteps rush beside Dan, "Dan wake up! Please don't be dead!"

Dan comes back to reality as Phil shakes his shoulders, letting out something mixed between a sob and a mumble. His eyes flicker open and when he sees Phil's wide, blue eyes filled with tears, something inside him breaks.

Dan looks down, not wanting to look at Phil like that anymore.

"Dan what's wrong? Are you okay?" Phil asks gently.

Dan opens his mouth to say yes, but before the word can leave his mouth, he breaks down into tears again, and Phil doesn't say anything, he just holds Dan.

And it's in Phil's arms when the final piece of Dan breaks.

Dan feels Phil shift his head, which was previously resting on top of Dan's own head. He feels Phil gasp sharply and Dan pulls away from his embrace to find his blue eyes fixated on the space above Dan.

"W-what? W-what i-is it Phil?" Dan asks, frowning at the boy in front of him, "i-is something w-wrong?"

"Y-your line, your mood..." Phil's voice trails off.