moods / phan

chapter twenty three

/ updating from a hammock with doggo, life is good.

/

dan

Later that day, Dan is sitting beside Phil.

They're on a swing set which sits in the local park. There's no one around today, probably due to the fact that it's almost nightfall, the amber glow of streetlights trying to make up for the the fading light.

They're both silent, each lost in their own minds. Dan looks at the ground, mindlessly kicking around the sand beneath him as he slowly rocks back and forth on the swing. Phil got the squeaky swing, which lets out mournful screams ever time he moves backwards.

"Say, Dan..." Phil starts, trailing off and looking at him with a thoughtful expression on his face.

"Y-yeah?"

"Why... Why didn't you even try to stop Alfie? You just... you just let him treat you like crap," Phil says, looking to the floor.

Dan looks towards Phil, trying not to notice how his shoulders are slumping forward, how his fringe is hanging in straggled strands across his face, how his eyes look tired and glossy, illuminated by a soft glow, and how he just looks so sad.

You did this, his mind tells him, making Dan wince, you made him like this, you're so weak and you're destroying him along with yourself. Selfish, pathetic, weak, useless, outcast, freak-

STOP. No more, please, stop, go away and leave me alone, please just stop crushing me, Dan begs his mind.

But he says it out loud and his words are stuttered. His words that were only meant for himself have been thrown out into the cold air for Phil to snatch up and analyse. Dan watches as Phil drags his gaze to Dan, his eyes full of tears from the words he said. Dan is frozen.

"I-is that what you think?" Phil asks quietly, his voice trembling, "that I'm crushing you?"

"N-no! Phil I-I wasn't t-talking to y-y-you!" Dan stammers, his cheeks growing red and his eyes widening with fear, "y-you're not c-crushing me I-I promise! I k-know it s-s-sounds bad b-but I promise it w-wasn't y-y-you!"

Phil stands up, folding his arms in front of his chest and staring at Dan with a saddened, confused and slightly angered expression on his usually gentle features. The streetlights are hauntingly illuminating his light features with a strange glow, also highlighting the shining trails of tears etched onto his cheeks.

"Oh, who were you talking to then Dan? Enlighten me as to who else is here?"

The tone in Phil's voice is angry and somewhat unpleasant. It makes Dan want to shrink back further into himself and shelter from the world.

"I-it's hard t-t-to explain," Dan says, his voice barely even a whisper and his head hanging in shame, "I-I..."

But then, before Dan can explain, his mind disabled his ability to speak. He can't seem to get the words out, as if he's so afraid of speaking what he already knows out loud that he literally cannot. Part of him knows that if he says it, it's like confirming it.

'MY MIND IS FUCKED UP JUST LIKE ME, IT WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE. MY OWN MIND BULLIES ME,' Dan yells but he cannot get the words to leave him.

He's trapped inside himself.

"Look Dan, I don't know what you're trying to say but whatever it is, just tell me when you're ready. For now though... I-I think I should go," Phil says quietly, ripping Dan's heart out of his chest and throwing it onto the ground beneath the swing set.

"Phil p-p-please I-" Dan begins to stammer, but the other boy is already walking away, having crushed Dan's heart further beneath his deep blue converses as he left.

Dan's grip tightens on the chains holding the swing he is seated on, his knuckles turning white as they are the only grip on reality he has right now. His body is trembling uncontrollably and he feels hands wrap around his lungs and squeeze tightly, limiting his oxygen flow. He can't think straight.

There's tears falling from his eyes which have turned into waterfalls, the sound of his short, jagged, desperate breaths fill the air and his whole body has tuned numb.

He remains like this for god knows how long - a mess sitting in a lonely park at a lonely hour.

And then, when he stands up and begins to walk home;

He is nothing.

***

Dan falls down onto his mattress, the familiar feeling of his head sinking into his pillow and his body on his duvet comforting him slightly.

Despite how much he has changed, these walls, this room, have watched over Dan as bed grown, broken, started to be put back together, broken again, the cycle repeats. Dan sighs deeply and closes his eyes, wishing to empty his body temporarily of all emotions and ability to think.

At this particular moment, he wishes he matched his mood (or rather, lack of).

He's pathetic, he couldn't even get past himself to tell Phil the truth. But what would he tell him? That there's a voice in his head which is destroying every drop of happiness inside of him? There's a one way ticket to a mental health ward and counselling.

He needs Phil, he needs to tell him but how? Write a letter? Work up the courage to say it himself?

Dan sighs. This is all too much for him to bear at the moment. He can feel his heart being crushed in his chest as he continues to think about the situation. He hurt Phil. How could he do that? The one person who has been nothing but kind, and he's gone and hurt him.

Dan sits up and looks over to the sweater beside his bed that belongs to his brother.

Make that two people who have been nothing but kind yet suffered because of him. All he does is hurt people, he brings darkness and destruction wherever he goes. Maybe it's better if he stays away from Phil, then maybe he can save him like he couldn't save his brother.

Dan feels something else in his chest, a sharp jab of pain. As if someone has impaled him with a spear or arrow and a burning is spreading. He feels everything fading from him, as he begins to let his mind win. The darkness is overwhelming him.

You've destroyed everything, his mind tells him.

And honestly, he feels like he has.

You deserve this pain.

He knows.

All you do is destroy.

So he destroys. He keeps destroying himself until there's nothing left. He destroys until his world is gone.

There's only darkness for him now.

********

an/ yes sad and dark and :(

sorry you had to wait so long and it's short, I've been BUSY

MERRY CHRISTMAS btw! hope you guys had a great one (and if you don't celebrate it I hope you day was fantastic)

please remember to vote and comment if you enjoyed!

thanks for reading, hopefully I'll update sooner next time

^-^ xx