Unwithered Love

Chapter 3 : A Heartbreak

Summer was over, and college life had begun. I ventured into a new place with so much hopes and dreams. With my sister by my side, I knew in my heart that I would be fine.

Classes began. It was fun meeting new people and making some friends. The first time I entered the cafeteria, my heart was cold when I saw the crowd. How glad I was to see again those friends I met last summer. But there was one person only whom I eagerly wanted to see.

I was in line among the girls with my sister at my back. On the other side the boys were noisy. Some were making fun among themselves. I could sense some of them were staring at me. I even noticed two or three boys smiled at me. Their smile did not bother me, but I was not at peace.

Where is he?Was he enrolled?My heart impatiently asked.

I did not notice I was delaying the line. Eunice patted my back to go forward. I looked at her and saw her teasing eyes. I was carefully holding my tray and consciously walking through the vacant table.

Maybe he is just around, I thought.

I was eating quietly and wishing he would just appear and say hello to us. I could not even remember what I was eating that time. Oh, it was tasteless, but that didn't matter to me. Would you believe I imagined everyone in the hall frozen? So I could look around without anyone noticing me. So I could search if he was just in the corner or busy talking to someone. He must be there somewhere. I have endless hopes, but hurting inside.

We were done eating, and with a heavy heart we walked out of the cafeteria. On our way to our dormitory Eunice asked, "Jelly, what do you think of the food?"

I smiled. She used that name every time she feels I am not feeling good. I remembered the first time she teased me with that name. Mom bought a new dress for her graduation in grade school. She saw me admiring that powder blue dress. She grabbed it from me and playfully danced with it and sang, "Jelly is jealous. Jelly is jealous." I was just smiling at her.

Oh, she was asking about the food.
"Not bad at all!"I replied tugging my arm to hers thinking what I have just eaten and thanking God for my sister.

Inside our room, I got my toothbrush and towel and went to the washroom. My chest was heavy trying to hold back those tears that were ready to flow. I sat on the bowl and sobbed bitterly.

All along I had thought the word "heartbreak" was just a metaphor to describe deep sadness. I didn't realize it was an actual descriptor.For the first time, I felt my heart break. It felt like it had cracked and broken into different pieces. I felt both emotional pain and physical pain in my heart.

Days went by. Hopes and excitement slowly drifted by. I was there waiting and hoping, but no sight of him, not even a letter. Pretending was just so easy for me to do. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be unaffected. I wanted to stand up tall and overcome whatever was before me.

And for the most part, I did. On the outside, I dealt with it very well, appearing unfazed. I seemingly moved on with little downtime. But inside me, was a little girl: small, vulnerable, angry and hurt. I was crushed.

Yes, I seemingly had fun during the first semester. I had my sister, my roommates and admirers. Without them noticing me I secretly cried. I did not stop hoping and praying. I tried to reject the feeling of missing him so much.

Second semester came. No Michael. No word from him. I was mad at him. But why? Do I have the right to feel bad? Could I demand reasons from him? Why am I hurting this much? Did he know how I feel? No. He knew nothing. I thought I, at least, deserved an explanation for what was going on. But I didn't even get that. All I had were questions, a bunch of hypotheses, and no answers. I felt worthless.

Where is he? He told me he would see me, and I took that as a promise. I thought he understood those tears last summer. I assumed that he cares too. I could not believe I was talking to my stupid heart, "Stop beating for him!"

I was looking for an envelope to keep the book  Michael gave me that summer. I was decided to forget Michael and keep those things that would remind me of him.  Before I put the book inside, I opened it and read for the last time a portion where bookmark was placed. It was a  poem,  I quoted,

"I would love to tell you that everything will work out for us. And I promise to do all I can to make sure it does. But if we never meet again and this is truly goodbye, I know we will see each other again in another life. We will find each other again, and maybe the stars will have changed, and we will not only love each other in that time, but for all the times we'd had before."I frowned after reading those words. Breathing in and out, I put the book together with the bookmark inside the envelope and kept it in my locker.

With that decision, I gave myself chance to open my heart to others since I had plenty admirers. I wanted Michael to know that I don't really care. There was someone very known to the campus. His name is Chlouie. He is not only smart but he is also handsome and very thoughtful. Almost everyday he sent love notes and greeting cards. He was diligent in winning my heart. So I did not give him a hard time, so when he asked me to be his girlfriend I said yes to him.

As it turned out, moving on wasn't as easy as I thought. I thought that my relationship with Chlouie would convince myself that my feelings for Michael was over. I was happy with Chlouie. Was I? Am I fooling myself? It was stupidity. This foolishness ended with more heartaches. I did try to forget him. Oh,not enough. There was never a day I stop thinking of him.