IMAGINES || Kylo Ren

He Found Me Part 1 ➳ Request for Jimenguardian

       Someone once told me that familiar faces only burn brighter when you try to look away, similar to what happens when you stare into a flame and then close your eyes. Everything is outlined perfectly against the darkness behind your lids.

       I found out the hard way that those words were true.

       Trying to forget someone as important to me as Ben was is like trying to remove a brand from the hide of an animal. It just doesn't work. Maybe it could've if we hadn't parted the way we did, but if you part painfully with someone then you will be forever unsatisfied. What if's and if only's will make your life a constant loop of regret. There is no way to break it. There is no way to escape it. It will haunt your dreams and play with your nightmares. And it will forever lurk in the shadows.

       I know because I've experienced the feeling personally. I still do, every night. When I close my eyes, I still see the ghost of the flame.

       I see his face. The sharpness of his features that cuts my fingers whenever I try to caress the memory. His pale skin, his ever-intense eyes, and his dark hair. His tall form that I never viewed as intimidating before. His strong arms that I could never have imagined being the cause of mass slaughter. His voice – rich and deep, like none I'd ever heard elsewhere – that I never thought would be used for striking terror in the hearts of entire systems.

       And I most certainly never thought that his inherited gift of the Force would be used for evil. His skill with a lightsaber was incredible. His focus was unbreakable.

       But he was impatient. He wanted more power, and he wanted it instantly. And above all, he was obsessed with something dark and ancient, something that clouded his mind and steered his steps down the wrong path.

       No one foresaw his downfall. Not even me, his best friend since birth, the one person who knew him best. I always wondered about his adulthood, and about how he would mature, but I always dismissed the fact that it was actually something to be taken seriously. I was nervous, but not worried. And because of the fact that I did not wish to see it, Ben was consumed by darkness.

       Before he was torn from me by his new Master, Ben swore that he would come back and find me when his training was complete. I had only been thirteen at the time, and the blow of my best friend leaving me so suddenly on missions of evil had distorted the judgement in my adolescent mind. I should've pushed him back when he embraced me for the last time. I should've told him not to seek me at the end of his training. But I didn't. Heartsick and astounded, all I was able to do was choke out a sobbing farewell and make a last plea for him to come back soon.

       But he never did. And as I got older, I realized that was a good thing. Though I may long for him at times, seeing him as he is now would only push me further into grief.

       But then again, I wouldn't be seeing him.

       Ben is gone.

       Now, he goes by a different name. One that has generated a wide spread and incurable fear across the galaxy.

       Out of the ashes of Ben Solo, has risen Kylo Ren, leader of the Knights of Ren, and commander of the First Order. He answers only to his Master, the Supreme Leader Snoke, and he kills those who do not bend to his will.

       My 17-year-old self understands this now. I understand that I will never see Ben again. I have even grown to accept that. But tolerating is all I do. I still lay awake sometimes and wonder why? Why did Ben desert his life for something as malevolent as Snoke and his First Order?