Moving On (BoyxBoy) UNEDITED

Chapter Twelve

I know i said that this would be up yesterday, but I'm feeling really drain right now. and I've had writers block for awile on this story. I don't have any of the next chapter started yet...... Sorry to let you all down....

Zina

Jake's POV

I can't believe I let him have his way, I knew I shouldn't have gotten all emotional. I knew he would try to make me feel better and then he would get his way. I knew but I did anyways. His words broke something inside of me. The wall I had built around myself to protect me from him broke and all my old needs for his touch came back. I caved in to what I knew he wanted, and then I left. I never even heard what he had to apologize for. Or explain.

I ran out of there like the chicken I am, knowing that otherwise I would have caved into his every want and need. Knowing I would be giving him the opportunity to break me again. I just barely called out to him over my shoulder as I left. I turned my phone off as soon as I got home and hadn't been on any of my social networking sites since. I couldn't trust myself to talk to him.

 His touch felt so good and I wanted more of it. But I wouldn't do that to myself. I couldn't do that to myself. It was time for both of us to move on. This wasn't love, what we had was never love and I think we both know that deep down. But neither of us want to admit it, I just can't keep living in a fantasy where we are both in love when I know it's not true.

It felt like everything was out of control and there was no way I could stop it. Like I handed my fate over to someone else and now I couldn't get my hands back on it. My head and heart were pulling me in different directions; my body was begging me for more of that feeling I had with Zander. I didn't know which path to follow, and which doors to close off. Everything was happening so fast, it was speeding at me so quickly but somehow I couldn't jump out of its way.

I paced my room, trying to relax my mind and peer into the depths of my heart. I was soul searching for the right answer but it just seemed to be out of my sight. Every time I thought I had it, it would blur and fall away. It frustrated me to no end and the more my frustration grew the harder and harder it became to focus and find the answer to my question. All I could think about was how I shouldn't have faced Zander until I knew what I had wanted. I had known it would be a bad idea but I did it anyway. I always thought I was so much stronger than this, thought I could handling have emotions and feelings I didn't want or others I couldn't understand. But I was wrong, I'm weak. I need someone to make me feel loved. I need an outlet for my pain and there was nothing better than Zander.

He could make me feel loved, need and wanted but he also could make me feel like unneeded or unwanted scum. He either brought me up or tore me down. There was not happy middle ground with us. Middle ground was what I had always wanted, that way I didn't become overly happy or completely and untreatably depressed. But somehow I had found Zander and I wasn't sure whether or not I could move on from that. Having experience that on top of the world experience I just wanted more. Like every human I was selfish, so not only did I want that feeling, I wanted that feeling with Zander. But I didn't want any of the pain or drama that came with that.

There was nothing for me to do except for avoid him at all cost; I couldn't risk giving in again. I know that he wouldn't understand, I know that I will be hurting him every day I ignore him but there was nothing else I could do. I promised myself, I just hope he takes the hint and doesn't press me. I hate the idea of hurting him after everything he went through with Zoey but I have to take care of myself. I'm still trying to fix my broken heart that he left me with.

I don't know what I can do besides that. It seems like every time I see Zander my heart gets worse and worse after, but when I'm with him it feel full, complete and new. I just don't understand how he can manage to affect me like that. I knew I would have to face the music soon but since it was still summer vacation and I didn't have to see Zander unless I planned to. I know some people say you have to feel the burn before you can began to heal, but I didn't want to deal with anymore of that pain. As selfish as that was, I knew it was for the best.

This was just one of the many examples of how life can be unfair, but you have to learn and grow from it. Every ounce of unfairness that life has is to help you grow as a person. Life isn't random there is a reason for everything. There was a lesson to be learned. Things like this seem unfair until you look at the bigger picture. Being with Zander showed me what true love could be like, and it showed me what it isn't. it taught me to be stronger and to act and express my emotions instead of bottling everything inside.

But Zander wasn't who I was meant to be with, or at least I wasn't meant to be with him at this exact moment in time. I had so much left to learn before I could truly and successfully fall in love with anyone, even though my time was getting shorter every minute. There would be a time for me to love and a time for me to focus and learn. I was going to have to make sacrifices and mistake but in the end it would be worth it. In the end I'll be the best person I could possibly be and that was all I wanted in my life.