My Name Is Dan (Phan AU)

chapter six

chapter six

"It upset you. Didn't it, Dan?" PJ asked me, now that we were back at my house, sitting on my bed cross-legged and facing each other. Even though he was right in front of me, I tried my best to avoid any eye contact with him. He'd know how much I was hurting if he saw my eyes, not that he doesn't already know.

"Obviously," I replied, looking up towards PJ but still looking anywhere but his eyes.

"And why didn't you tell that to Phil?"

Silence. Only for a few moments, but still, silence. I didn't know what to say. "If he knew I was upset, he would have been even more upset with the person at the register. She didn't even deserve what Phil had said, she was just trying to be polite. Phil was trying to be a good friend, but I think he might have went a little bit too far. If that's too far, imagine what he would do if he knew I was upset, Peej," I said, a sad smile forming on both mine and PJ's lips. We both understood why I did it, I think we just wanted to hear it said out loud.

"I can't blame you," he started, taking a deep breath. "Phil seems amazing, and innocent. He seems like the kind of person who's never even done anything near what he did today- and that was just simply losing his temper. He was shaking the whole time he was looking at her after that, I could tell."

"Phil really is amazing. Maybe I'm not right for him?" I say, almost as a question but not quite. "I mean, if I made him do something he's never done befo-"

PJ cut me off before I could finish. "But maybe you are right for him. Maybe you pushing him out of his comfort zone for things like that is good. He needs to realise that he can't always be nice to everyone, or else people start to take advantage of him. Right?" he finishes, asking for confirmation from me, and watching as I mentally stumbled around for the right thing to say.

"I guess you're right," I finally manage to work out.

"I know. Now, Dan, look at me. Instead of looking around your room, look at me when I say this."

I obviously obeyed, looking right into PJ's blue-green eyes. He stared back, hesitating for a moment.

"Phil really loves you. He talks about you a lot to me. You're not changing him for the worse. You're his other half," he finally says, leaning back a bit afterwards.

"Thanks for that amazingly sappy hippie talk, Peej. You always know exactly what to say."

PJ just laughs, glancing away for a moment and then looking back at me, his hair flopping to the side. "Yep. I know. You're welcome, buddy."

{•■•}

Before PJ and I know it, it's already the next morning. We had both ended up crashing on the floor, since we never stopped arguing about which side of the bed who got. (Obviously I had to get the right side, since that's the side I normally slept on). Eventually, we both just gave up and laid down next to the bed, his arm around me. Platonically, obviously, since PJ wasn't attracted to boys.

I'm not necessarily a boy, I remind myself, lifting PJ's arm from me and standing up, realising my chest was still flat.

Fuck. Did I wear these to bed? I think, my thoughts quickly being confirmed as I go to stretch but instead am greeted with aching ribs. How long have I been wearing this? Since I went to the cinema? Fuck, it's been so long.

I quickly make my way to the bathroom, taking off my shirt and then slowly unravelling the ace bandages, careful as to not hurt myself more than I already am hurting.

I look in the mirror, as the daily routine goes, though normally it's before I put them on, not after I take them off. I absolutely hate what I see. I wish I could just punch the mirror right then and there, and then hope that by doing that I fixed what was bothering me. Like the mirror is the only problem here. The mirror is what is making me look like this. I absolutely despise this mirror, if that's the case.

Because I don't want to look like this. I want to look in the mirror, and see almost nothing on my chest. I don't want to look in the mirror and see the things that had been haunting me my whole life- the things that at this point almost seem like weights just dragging me down. I want to look in the mirror and see something I like. I want to look in the mirror and, even though I don't see abs, still be happy with my body because I'm not in the body of a girl. I want to go back. I want to be a boy.

I quickly slipped my shirt back on, rolling up the ace bandages and shoving them back into the bathroom cupboard. Unlocking the door, I made my way back to my room, to find PJ sitting in the chair in the corner of my room.

"So the sleeping beauty has finally awoken?" I ask him, laughing softly.

"Yes. Finally. And I don't want to be awake. Let me go back to sleep. Or at least get me a change of clothes, these are drenched in sweat."

"Too much information, Peej. Just a little too much," I say as I walk over to my dresser and open the drawer that I left specifically for PJ's clothes. "You're running low, buddy. Gonna have to leave your clothes over here more often if it's gonna stay like this," I tell him, throwing a pair of blue jeans and a t-shirt with an odd graphic design on it to him. After some more searching, I throw him a clean pair of boxers and some socks. "Go get ready. We're going to visit Phil."

"Are you sure he's okay with it?" he asks me, already beginning to get ready.

"Of course he's okay with it. Now go brush your hair, for god's sake. You look like you've got a bird on top of your head."

"Hey, okay, my bird has a name, you know."

"Yeah, whatever. Now go get ready, bird-head."

{•■•}

Author's Note: Finally! I'm sorry it's been so long, my precious beans. I've honestly been spending more time focusing on reading FanFictions rather than writing them. Anyway, thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed! See you next week, my smol cinnamon rolls. Love you! Peace out! Stay rad!
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-ary asylum xx