My Name Is Dan (Phan AU)

chapter seventeen

Phil's P.O.V

Dan seemed to be doing so well at first, and then I asked if I did something wrong and he snapped. I didn't understand at first, but I think I understand now. I think I understand that what I did was wrong, and now I can't be angry at Dan for not forgiving me.

I finally understand the situation, and I wish I was still oblivious to it. At least that way, I wouldn't feel so bad. I don't think that I would forgive Dan if he had done this to me.

I wouldn't forgive me.

"It's your fault," is the first thing that Dan says in a monotonous voice. He looks at PJ, who is sitting in between us, and then back at me. He looks like he's about to cry.

I say the only thing that I can think to reply with. "It's my fault."

"It's your fault," he repeats, this time a tear streaming down his cheek. I want so badly to comfort him. I want so badly to be able to hug him and tell him I'm sorry- that I would never do it again. That I wasn't thinking of the consequences when it happened. That I love him.

"My fault," I say again, not looking away from him. He's shaking. I'm not entirely sure if he's shaking from anger or sadness, but I don't want him to be angry or sad. I caused this.

It's my fault.

Dan clenches his fists, looking up at the ceiling and then closing his eyes. He takes a large gulp, and then it seems like he starts shaking more. He opens his eyes and looks back down, suddenly not wanting to look at me.

He moves his gaze over to PJ. I continue looking at Dan. He grinds his teeth together as if to keep himself from completely crying. Another tear makes its way down his neck and stops at his collarbone, unmoving from there.

I look back down at Dan's hands which he had set in his lap. He was fiddling with his fingers, keeping an unmoving stare on PJ.

PJ was staring back as if they were communicating completely through eye contact.

Suddenly, Dan completely broke down. His face scrunched up and I heard the first choked back sob. I watched him quickly wrap his arms around PJ and burrow his face into the other boy's neck.

All PJ did was hug back and rub Dan's back as if they had gone through this one million times before.

"It's okay," I hear PJ almost whisper to Dan.

"It's his fault," is Dan's reply to him, significantly louder than how PJ had spoken.

PJ stays calm, rocking back and forth slightly and continuing to rub Dan's back as if he was a child. "It may very well be his fault," PJ starts, "but you need to remember that I was there as well. It may be my fault too, and you know that. But you've forgiven me, haven't you?"

Suddenly, Dan's lament comes to a halt. He lets go of PJ and sits back up, tears still rolling down his cheeks.

A glance is shared with me before he looks back at PJ. "I have forgiven you, yes," he starts, but immediately gets cut off by PJ.

"What's stopping you from forgiving Phil, then?" he asks as he sets a hand on Dan's shoulder.

"You're my best friend. I always forgive you."

"Yes, and what's Phil?"

Dan hesitates and looks back at me for a moment. "Phil is the love of my life. Which is why I can't forgive him."

You're the love of my life too, Dan.

I wouldn't forgive me either, Dan. Don't worry.

You're not in the wrong, Dan.

It's my fault.