My Name Is Dan (Phan AU)

chapter eighteen

Dan's P.O.V

I'm a mess.

In every way possible, I am a complete and utter mess.

I'm shaking. Tears are streaming down my cheeks, and everything around me seems to be imploding. Sounds are muffled. I can faintly hear Phil's voice. I feel PJ with his arms around me again, almost acting as a shield from everything around me.

My vision is blurry. I can't help but replay those words of agreement  in my head over and over again.

It's my fault.

Is it his fault?

I'm the one who told him that it was his fault, but is it really?

Maybe I'm just being too harsh on him.

The room is spinning. I grab PJ's arm tightly and close my eyes.

I begin to repeat steps to calming down an anxiety attack in my head over and over again, in hopes that if I think them enough they'll work.

Deep breath in. Pause. Shallow breath out.

In through the nose. Out through the nose. Don't open mouth.

Quiet. Silence.

I hear PJ's voice again through my haze and open my eyes. Phil looks angry. Why is Phil angry? I just want him to be happy.

PJ pulls me closer to him gently in what seems like a defensive manner. Did Phil say something about me?

Sounds are still muffled. Fuzzy. I feel like I'm underwater.

Suddenly, there's a breakthrough of sound. PJ's calm voice. "I didn't do it and you know that, Phil. Dan was right. It's your fault. All you've done is agree with him, but have you ever thought of apologising?"

"I did apologise!" Phil responds loudly.

Don't be angry, Phil. I know you apologised.

Apology not accepted.

PJ takes a deep breath before speaking again. "Was the apology sincere?"

"Of course!"

Why is Phil being so loud? PJ begins to stroke my back again. I take long breaths in and let short breaths out. The sides of my vision begin to blur again. I squeeze PJ's arm and he moves to look down at me.

"Stop yelling," is the only thing that PJ says when he looks back at Phil.

It's as if PJ knows exactly what I'm thinking just by one look at me.

"Fine. I'm sorry, Dan," is the only thing I hear from Phil before it sounds like I'm underwater again. I close my eyes and suddenly the world around me seems to matter a little bit less.

{-0-}

I wake up with a small start. PJ's arms are wrapped around me tightly. Our positions seem to have changed- he's sitting on the end of the couch now. I look around. Phil is sitting on the floor in the corner of the room, scrolling on his phone.

"I'm sorry, Phil," I find myself saying.

Sorry for what?