Special kind of Mentally Ill

5

  The funeral was the Wednesday after she passed. This was a shock to many. No one knew she was sick. It was tragic. People had thought she was murdered, due to all the deaths there had been from that. I stood in the back with my face in a blank. People passed me by, giving their deepest regrets. I watched people look at her pictures and then everyone made their way to their seats. I still stood. I was still processing everything. The service was generic. Her father spoke of how wonderful she was, and her friends talked of how much they would miss her beautiful smile. After the service was her burial. We were lead through town and to the graveyard. A few more words were spoken at the burial. Tears streamed down faces. When everything was over I had gone to her house to retrieve her diary. Her parents weren't home yet and I was a professional at sneaking into homes. I went into her room and the aroma was just depressing. I got the diary, looked around her room, and left. I then went home. My mother would try to speak but I walked past her and into my bedroom. I flopped on top of my bed and buried my face into my pillow. After a few moments I took the diary that was now lying next to me and opened it to the first page.
  "January 1, 2011,
         Dear Diary,
I have to move yet again. It isn't fair how my father continues to move me. I have to leave Jason. We have made so many memories, and he's my first true love. My friends Sage and May are going to be so upset. How am I suppose to go make a new life? I am terribly upset. Sometimes I feel like I could just end it all with the shot of a gun, but then I think I'd better not. I just want to live a normal, and consistent life. Is that so much to ask? I wish someone would take me into consideration for once. I move in August. Now I have to tell everyone, what joy that will be.
        Xoxox, Jackie."
   Her writing was like a journals way of bleeding. Her words were very interesting. I read on. I had read things that shocked me. I couldn't stop once I started. I read past all her goodbyes. She seemed like a different person then. I finally reached August. I read about her moving across the country and into her new house. It wasn't very interesting. Then I got to August 11, 2011.
  "August 11, 2011
Dear Diary,
Today I went to the hardware store to buy some paint for this bland room. Along the way I stumbled upon a boy. His name is Lenny. He was kind, and curious. He stared at me like I was a million dollars. I thought I wasn't going to see him until school, but to my surprise he was at a bonfire I was invited to by my neighbor, Remi. He approached me there and asked to talk alone. We walked in the field near the fire and he kissed me. I was in awe. His kind blue eyes made my heart melt. When I got home, around 2am I got a call from him. Tomorrow we are to meet again. What a day.
       Xoxoxo, Jackie."
   I continued to read on about the advancement in our relationship. I felt like I was reliving it. I then got to August 12.
"August 12, 2011,
Dear Diary,
Today was spectacular. I was with Lenny. We actually saw Mr.Goldman, the man that's been flirting with my mother and I. I despise him. I explained this to Lenny, and he said he'd kill him. I'm not sure if he's serious. One can only hope.
Xoxo, Jackie"
I was serious. I did kill him. That was what I would read next.
"Dear, Diary,
He did it. He really killed him. What a man. He actually killed him. I didn't ask him much. I saw that he was cut on the news. He bled out. I could never kill someone. To see someone die, now that would be tragic. I thought I might feel as if this was my fault, but I don't. He made the choice to kill him. I have no part. I really like Lenny, and I know I'll love him. I'll fall in love with him. I know he will do anything and everything for me. That's the kind of man I need. I need my Lenny.
Xoxo, Jackie."
She stopped writing the dates, probably because she couldn't remember what day it was. I read the entry's about my murders. They were documented and she wrote what she heard on the news, which was pretty much the same for all the deaths. Cutting and bleeding. I got through the journal and tucked it under my pillow. I then flopped onto my stomach and fell asleep. Around 3 am I was awoken by my worried mother.
"Honey, you were making a lot of ruckus. You were moving a lot and talking in your sleep. You were yelling for Jackie. I know this has to be so hard on you. I want to be here for you." My mother sat on my bed and kissed my head. She then got up and left my room. The next few nights I would be tossing and turning a lot in my sleep. I was becoming restless. Sleep was the only escape from reality and now I could barley do it. I would wake up and feel nauseous and tired. I couldn't sleep the tired off. My body wouldn't let me. After 3 days of barley any sleep my body was beginning to weaken. I started to throw up all the time and get headaches. My eyes had purple marks under them and they were sagging. I was so exhausted. Every time I got just a little sleep I would dream of Jackie. I wanted it to stop. My mind knew this and then allowed me no sleep at all eventually. After 2 days of no sleep my eyes began to bug out. I saw things that weren't really there. I was terrified. My mother tried to talk to me but I ignored her voice. Sometimes I would see her and it seemed so real. It hurt my heart, and I hadn't felt that in such a long time. I missed her. After a few weeks of processing everything I began to freak out. I would close my eyes just to see her smile and laugh. I wanted her to be there. I couldn't get through life without her. My mother began to notice a change in me. She saw me trying to sleep a lot and skipping school. I was in no mood to see the students. It was a Friday and my mother came into my room.
   "Lenny, I've been ignored by you for a while now. I know you're grieving and I'm sorry. It's been a little while and you aren't getting better." She then sat on my bed. I laid away from her.
  "I'm having Dr.Morrow come over tomorrow. He's a physiologist. I think he can help. There's no if, and, or buts about it." She got up and left. I was not up for talking. I didn't want to talk. When the following day rolled around my mother brought Dr.Morrow to my room and shut the door. He sat in a chair beside me.
  "Hello, I'm Dr—"
  "I know who you are." I stayed facing my wall.
  "Okay, well you're family is worried about you. I know they told me you're grieving from the loss of your girlfriend," he stated. I didn't talk. I didn't feel like talking and I didn't want to talk. It made me realize that I had to stop being sad. It was my only emotion. The doctor tried to talk to me but I made no effort to respond. After an hour he closed the door and was talking to my mother outside my door. He told her I was making no progress and that I had said nothing. He told her I would need a few more sessions. When I heard that it made me get my act together. I laid in my bed all weekend and when Monday came around I woke up at 5:30am to prepare for school. I took a hot shower and trimmed my facial hair. I then put on fresh clothes and headed down stairs. My mother was shocked to see me when I came into the kitchen.
"Oh! Hey honey," she cracked a smile. I knew she was worried.
"Mom, I don't need counseling. I'm okay." I told her. I took my backpack over my shoulder and went on with my day. When I came to school I passed my group of friends. Gunner came over to my locker as I set some books inside.
"Hey man, you doing okay?" He concerned.
"Just fine." I closed my locker. He walked beside me.
"Are you sure? We're all worried about you." He mentioned.
"Don't be, really." I walked into my class. Throughout the day I would be bombarded with the same question. "Are you okay?" It drove me insane. After school I headed to my truck. There was a girl leaning on it, and I didn't recognize her. I approached her.
"Hey!" She exclaimed.
"Who are you?" I asked.
"Laney, I'm Jackie's half sister." She told me. It shocked me.
"Jackie never mentioned—"
"I know, I wasn't important to her. She and I share the same father. I'm a little error her father made after she was born."
"How old are you?"
"17, I'm a senior. When I heard Jackie died I came to see my father. He's been living alone without his wife. I guess she like insane now. I never liked her much anyways. I came to take care of my father." She explained.
"Oh—"
"Anyways, I know you're Jackie's boyfriend. I heard about you. Can you give me a lift home?" She asked.
"Uh—sure I guess." She hopped into the truck and I began to drive her home.
"There are so many dirt roads around here. I'm from the city." I ignored her.
"What is there to do around here? My fathers quite strict. I've heard that Jackie was a little rebel—hey hey!" She shouted.
"What?"
"It's an abandon barn up there! Stop there!" She demanded. I pulled over and she ran to the barn. I followed behind her.
"Wow! This is some place. Do you have any alcohol in that truck of yours?"
"I...I might."
"Well go get it!" I went back and found a bottle of liquor. I brought it back. She snatched it from my hands and drank straight from the bottle. I was shocked.
"I should get you home." I said.
  "Oh cmon, I just wanna dance around and have fun!" She smiled. Her smile was the same as Jackie's. She reminded me of her. I didn't feel anything for her but she did remind me of her. She was so drunk a few hours later and I had to sober her up. I went to the diner and got her a coffee. She drank it and fell asleep in my truck. A few hours later I dropped her off at home. This was the beginning of something new.