Special kind of Mentally Ill

Mother

   I didn't want to believe it. It was my son, who had killed all those people in town. Some for fun, and some for idiotic reasons. I had heard about his charges over the phone, and then in court. It felt unreal. How could my precious son kill so many innocent people? I finally got my answers after reading his book. The pain I feel for him is so deep. He couldn't feel anything, even though he wanted to. He would've never killed anyone if Jackie wouldn't have suggested it in the first place. Even though I feel awful for his mental state, I still have a burning rage in my heart. My son ruined family upon family, including our own. My two sons are dead. It's all Lenny's fault. To be honest Lenny was always a strange being. He would sit under the deck in the dirt and darkness and play alone while the other kids played together. His social skills were awkward and shy, and he didn't seem to care much. I gave birth to a monster who ruined our family name. Arnold was a sweet boy manipulated by his God awful brother. He tricked him into killing him. I read his book. My husband read it first and politely suggested to not read it. Tears filled his eyes many times while he read it. I needed answers so I decided to read it. It may have been a poor choice. I read of all the gooey details. I was horrified. I told my son to burn in hell, and I'm sure he will. I went through and apologized to each family member he killed. They were so upset, and even brought their angers out on me. I was trying to be nice. I was trying to restore my family name. Lenny had broken the family. We decided to pack up and start getting ready to move out of town. The rumors and reports had become to much for us. When Lenny was in jail waiting to die, my husband and I were responsible for his things. We went to his house. It was so cute and southern. It was homey and sweet for a killer to live in. I sobbed and sobbed. When I reached the room Arnold ended his life in I fell apart. I was living a nightmare. Lenny had visitation rights for once a month. No one would come. While in prison he tried to kill himself. I guess he was getting bored. I didn't want my son dead. I really didn't. I mean of course he is evil, but I'm his mother and I had to try and understand. I tried and failed. Lenny was an awful human. He is buried in the prison cemetery. I refused to do anything for him. No funeral or grave. I was sickened by the actions of my baby. My child that I raised had become a crazy serial killer. I don't know how I was clueless and couldn't figure out why he was out late so much. I almost want to blame myself for being a bad person, but it's not my fault. I'm just really upset I couldn't get Lenny the help he needed, he was so mentally ill. It sickens me that I couldn't help him. I didn't know it was going on. After Arnold did what he did I was a mess. I did notice that Lenny didn't seem to be so upset. I thought he was more of a quiet griever. I left him alone. He's twisted, in his actions, and words. He's mentally disturbed. I'm curious what made him that way. I thought his childhood was grand, and fine. He was always a loner, but he had some good friends. Was he always sick? I'm a terrible mother to not notice. Maybe I did and I was just blind to it all. I didn't want to believe my son was sick. My cousin Linus was sick. He had schizophrenia. He  was always hearing voices and freaking out. I hated to see him that way, and growing up I would pretend he was fine. I would try and talk to him and care for him, but man he was scary during his episodes. As I grew older I pretended Linus was just like everyone else. I became blind to his illness. Maybe I had become blind to my own sons illness. He was hurting, and I didn't help him. When he was 7 he had come into the kitchen with bloody hands. I asked him why he was dirty with blood. He told me he had killed a chicken in the barn. I was concerned but he had seen my husband kill the chickens before so I figured he was mimicking his actions. I quickly washed the blood off and told him not to do it again. A few days after the incident I caught him watching a horror movie alone in the basement. He was fine, and he didn't freak out. After that I noticed him being defiant. I saw him beating on his brother and I would have to pry him off of him. I brushed it off as if it was just a phase. He enjoyed being alone and sometimes I would have to bring his dinner to his room. As he grew older he would fight with the guys at school and make poor choices. He'd drink and pass out drunk by the fire pit. I figured he was being a rebellious teenage boy. I never knew the extent. I can see all the signs now but before I had no clue. I was stupid and naive. There were so many more alarming incidents but I ignored them. I guess a mother doesn't want to believe her child is sick, and he really was. He really is. They asked my husband and I if we wanted a mental evaluation on Lenny so he could be put in the hospital and possibly put off death row. We declined the offer. He was sick and suffering, even if he couldn't see that himself.