Special kind of Mentally Ill

Laney

  I wasn't sure how to take it. How could I have been so blind to the fact that the man I loved was a serial killer. He hid it so well, or maybe the police just weren't doing a good job. I found out about everything through the news. Let's just say I went into panic mode. I thought it was a nightmare, something I could wake up from. It wasn't. I wanted to see him, but then again I didn't. My friend I had been staying with, she comforted me in the best way she could. The afternoon I found out Gunnar came over. He explained to me what had happened. I wanted it all to be a dream. I was crying and yelling. I told Gunner I should go see him, but he suggested I shouldn't. I wanted answers, but I knew they wouldn't help. I remember when my rapist was killed, I didn't feel relieved. I felt bad for his family. That's just the kind of person I am. A few months after when my old girl friends were murdered I was in shock. I noticed that when people hurt me they would die. I started to blame myself. Even when I heard that Lenny did it, I still felt like it was my fault. I had told him about those people. He wouldn't have killed those people if I wouldn't have gave him a reason to. Over the next year and a half or so I would be struggling with myself. Id blame myself and I'd cry...a lot! Gunner stuck by me through everything. We were both struggling with the same thing, and stayed close to one another. He protected me most of the time. I heard about Lenny's execution. Gunner had mentioned it. I told him I was thinking about going. He told me it was a bad idea and even he himself wouldn't go. I thought about it for a few days and made up my mind to go. I thought it might give me some ease. When I came into the room to watch I felt anger and rage surge through the room. The room was packed full of family members of the ones Lenny killed. They all sat there, waiting for Lenny to come in. We watched him come in in shackles and a jump suit. He laid on the table, got a needle poked through his artery and sooner or later he was gone. Tears filled my eyes, but I couldn't let anyone see that. As much as Lenny pained me, I was still once in love with him. He lied there, dead. People began to make their way out of the room. I went up to the glass window and stroked my hand against it. Everyone was gone now, so I was safe to cry. I leaned my head against the glass and cried. I then sat down...and cried some more. No one else who watched his execution would understand why I was in distress. I went home that day to Gunner. He knew where I was. He hugged me and I wrapped myself in his arms while we sat on the couch. I grew to love this young man. At least Gunner and I could be together and cope together. I'll always feel pain in my heart for what happened. I have to move on. I have to.