Bad versus Bad

Chapter Twenty-Six

Havyn's P.O.V.

The next morning comes faster than I hoped it would. When I finally let my eyes flutter open, the first thing I notice is that I am the only one in bed and secondly that is isn't morning at all, but already after three o'clock in the evening. My mind rushes back to all of the recollections of last night. Mark took his own life, leaving me an orphan. I felt no remorse when I heard the news, and I still don't this morning. Kai carried me up to my room, but I didn't make it to the bed awake, I fell asleep in his arms. Kai. I tear the blankets off of me in a panic. I dash out of the room and down the stairs, taking two at a time, sometimes even three. 

"Are you ever going to wake her up?" I hear Sarah ask.

I stop before rounding the corner.

"No," Kai responds. "She needs the rest."

"No what she needs is to get out of bed," Finn says, sounding bored. "What is this even about, Kai? Why in the hell did you drag as all over her for anyways? When you called you told us to come over, but now you won't even tell us what is going on."

"Because it isn't my business tell," Kai snaps back sharply.

"It's mine," I say, stepping out from around the corner. Everyone snaps their heads in my direction. I bring my arms around my chest in a enveloping hug. "Kai called you guys because he knew that I would want to tell you all the news right away. I found something out last night."

"Oh god," Chris says, softly. "You are pregnant, aren't you?"

"What?" Kai asks, shocked. "No."

"Mark is dead," I whisper, almost too quietly for anyone to hear. Chris, Matt, and Sarah are the only ones who react the news. Sarah is across the room in the blink of an eye, wrapping her arms around my neck apologizing. "I wish you wouldn't say sorry. I know I'm not."

"You don't mean that," Chris interjects. 

"Yes I do," I nod. "My Dad was a horrible man."

"But he was still your dad," Matt adds. "You have to feel something."

"I do feel something," I say, coolly. "Relief."

I feel like a five thousand pound weight has just been lifted off of my shoulders. 

"Whoa," Jaxon pipes up. "Your dad died?"

"He killed himself," I correct him. "There is a difference in my opinion."

Jaxon nods his head.

"I'm sorry about your loss," Finn adds. 

"Don't be please."

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After all of my friends leave, I find myself pacing the living room. Kai is sitting on the couch watching my quietly. Waiting for the police to arrive with the last of Father's things is killing me inside. I desperately want to get my hands on the letter he left me. I want to know what kind of excuse he is going to use for leaving me an orphan. I want to know what his last thoughts were and what they were centered around, most likely not me. I scoff. 

"What was that for?" Kai asks, breaking the silence. 

"Just thinking about the letter," I reply honestly. 

"What do you think it's going to say?" he questions. 

"Probably something on the lines of this is all my fault," I reply, softly. "Everything is always my fault."

"Everything is not always your fault," he whispers. 

"Like I said, I am a fucked up person," I shrug. 

The door bell rings, saving me from finishing this conversation for now. I rush to the door, leaving Kai alone in the living room. I don't even let the officers say anything. Kai is the one that thanks them when I snatch the things from their hands and disappear back into the living room. I fall onto the couch, taking short, deep breaths to calm my nerves. With shaking hands, I start to open the big yellow envelope, letting the papers from inside, along with his wallet, keys, and cell phone fall into my lap. 

"Are you going to read the letter now?" Kai asks. 

"Yeah," I nod. 

"I'll give you some space," he says, turning to walk away.

"No," I say, quickly. "Please stay."

He nods his head and falls onto the couch next to me, taking the items from my lap, and only living the letter. While I start to unfold the piece of paper, I notice that Kai is reading over the will, his eyes wide. I ignore it for now.

Sure enough when I open the letter, Mark's scraggly hand writing is there. 

I take a deep breath before continuing. 

Havyn, 

I don't even know where to begin. 

First and foremost, I want to sincerely apologize for  all of the pain I have ever put you through. Of course there is no reason for you to forgive me, which I understand completely. I know you will never be able to forget all the horrible things I put you through, but I am hoping one day you will be able to find it in your beautiful heart to forgive me. 

Everything you ever said about me is nothing except the truth. I am a monstrous man who beat his own child, who doesn't deserve to keep breathing. I didn't deserve your Mother and I definitely didn't deserve someone like you. Your Mother was the love of my life. She gave me you. You are so much like her in every single way. I don't only mean her stunning looks either. You look at the life the same way she once did. You have always lived your life with so much joy. Everyday you woke up and looked at the day as a new day, while many wake up and remember their yesterday. I always envied that about you two. I have no right to say this, but when you are feeling alone and lost, look into yourself, because she is within you. Every aspect of yourself is her. Hold onto your friends and hold on to that boy of yours. 

After I found out that you were in the hospital, and because of me, I wanted to come and beg for your forgiveness, but I knew that I didn't deserve it. So instead of coming to check on you like I should have, I hired someone to do it for me. When he brought pictures back, I saw that boy of yours. He has the same sparkle in his eyes that your Mother had. The way he looks at is how she once looked at me. Hold onto him. Love is the ultimate key to life. Sadly I did not realize that until it was too late. Don't make the same mistake I did. 

I want you to live your life, Havyn Grace. I want you to follow every dream and never stop chasing it until you achieve it. You are a remarkable young woman. I know without a doubt that you are going to do amazing things with your life. I knew from the second I first laid my eyes on you that you were born with a purpose in life. You know may not know it now, but you will soon enough, and when you find it out, you are going to change the world. 

Be happy my daughter. 

With love,

Your Father

I drop the letter into my lap, my body shaking violently. The moment Kai reaches out to grab my hand, I fall off of the couch into a ball, sobbing. Kai falls down next to me, wrapping me into him. I bury my face into his chest, soaking his shirt with my tears. 

My heart does hurt, because I am going to miss him, not particularly his character after my Mother's dead, but the man he could have been. The man he expressed himself as in the letter. The Father that I am never going to have. 

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What is going through your beautiful minds?

Xoxo