A Place in the Sun - cash au-

Tell Your Heart To Beat Again

Cameron POV

The gaping hole in my heart is just as open and raw as the moment I realized I had lost Nash forever. The fact the I broke his heart, makes me truly hate myself.

I do.

I hate myself for what I did to him, I hate myself for teaching Nash what it's like to have your heart broken, to have your heart stop beating and feel like another breath would be too much to handle.

I don't deserve him, I tell that to myself everyday. Every time I have the urge to go against his wishes and visit him, I remind myself that I don't have the right. I lost it when I cheated on him.

I'm desperate to know how he's doing, how he's coping. I just want to know that he's okay but I don't deserve to know.

I deserve to feel all of the pain, all of the uncertainty.

I regret pursuing Wilkinson's company with so much fervor. I regret the long hours and the time I spent away from Nash.

My beautiful Nash who would come to me when my days were long. He had brought me food that night, his love is something I now realize I never deserved. His trust is something he gave me so freely and I shattered it.

Misery.

It's all I feel now, people think I'm doing better but I'm just better at hiding it. My family grew concerned, even my employees were worried.

Working makes time go by faster, it doesn't keep my mind off of Nash, reminders of him are everywhere. I've kept his photo on my desk, I can't bring myself to get rid of it.

I stare at it for hours sometimes, I look through pictures he took of us on my phone. I loom at his bright eyes, his wide smile, the loving expression on his face as he looks at me.

I try to erase the look of betrayal and pain from my memory but I can't. When I close my eyes, I see his tears. I hear his broken voice as he begs me to leave him alone.

It replays in my mind constantly and I know I'm just torturing myself but I can't stop.

I stand in front of the window staring out at the New York City skyline. I remember the first time Nash saw the view, he had such a beautiful expression of awe. I had promised myself in that moment that I would show Nash the entire world but I ruined it before I was able to.

I thought we would have the rest of our lives but I made sure that didn't happen.

Rewinding our last conversation is like daggers being plunged directly in my heart. He wanted children, he wanted to start a family with me.

I had the most beautiful, kind, tender and loving boyfriend in the world and I lost him.

I'd give up my entire empire, all of my businesses, all of my homes. I'd give up everything just to be with Nash again.

Everything is meaningless without him.

I dream of him every night, every morning I wake up with his name on my lips.

Time passes by but nothing makes the pain any better, nothing helps ease up the permanent ache in my heart.

I walk through Central Park on a nice spring afternoon. Nash and I would take long walks here, we'd explore the hidden treasures of Central Park together and it all reminds me of him but I can't stop myself from going to the places I spent time with him.