A Place in the Sun - cash au-

Behind the Walls

Nash POV

The moment I see Cameron in the conference room, I know he won't leave until he attempts to speak to me. He's kept no contact this entire time, he acquiesced to my wishes and I can appreciate that. But it's surprising to me that I don't feel particularly against that idea. I'm curious too, I want to know how he's been, what he's been doing. Deep inside I also want to know if he's found someone else, if he's happy or if he still loves me like I still love him. I won't admit that to him, I have to keep a cool exterior but I can be honest with myself about.

I decide to be formal with him, I want to appear as if I don't care even as my heart races and my palms get sweaty.

"Hello, Mr.Dallas it's nice to meet you," I reply and Cameron lets out a frustrated sigh.

"Nash... please." He pleads with me and I tilt my head and give him a look of confusion.

"Please what, sir?" I ask him and my eyes dart around the room, JJ is talking to someone with Jack. I have no out, I ponder just turning around and leaving but he'll probably chase me and I don't want to make a scene.

"Please... just speak to me. Like truly speak to me. I've been longing and praying for this moment for so long. I've been desperate to know how you're doing, if you're okay." He tells me softly and his eyes get shiny, is he going to cry?

"I am fine," I answer coldly. He blinks rapidly and then rubs his eyes with his fists. He looks down as he takes in a few shaky breaths.

I shift on my feet feeling awkward as Cameron tries to compose himself.

"Can we... go out for coffee?" He asks quietly and he raises his eyes to meet mine. I chew the inside of my cheek as I think about his request.

"I don't know, Cameron. What are we going to accomplish by going out for coffee?" I reply and his eyes search mine.

"I just miss my best friend," he says softly with vulnerability in his voice. I sigh and soften my body language as I contemplate what he's asking me.

Do I really want to go back down that road again?

"I hate myself." He states and his eyes drift down, his voice cracks. "I hate myself for what I did to you. I've been miserable this entire time without you, it's what I deserve. There's nothing I regret more in life than that night. I'm so lost without you, you're the only person I'll ever love. I have to live the rest of my life without the love of my life and it's entirely my fault. I did this to myself."

I don't know if it's the words he said or how he said it but I get the urge to agree and meet him for coffee.

"Fine," I say and he looks up at me in shock.

"Tomorrow at 9am?" He asks me and I nod in agreement. I don't even have to ask where because I already know. When we were together we had a favorite coffee shop we went to.

"Thank you so much, Nash for agreeing to meet with me," Cameron says and I nod again, I don't trust my voice. Just as he's finishing JJ walks back up to us. Why couldn't he have come 5 minutes ago when I needed him?

"Sorry to interrupt but I need to meet with Cameron and Jack. You're free to go home whenever you'd like, Nash." He tells me.

"Okay, thanks Jack. I'll see you Monday." I shake hands with him and then with Cameron before I turn and head out.

I have nervous butterflies in my stomach.

When I get home I'm so worked up I can't concentrate on anything. I don't even have his number so I can't cancel but I could just not show up. I take Benadryl to fall asleep and decide to see how I feel in the morning.