E.X.ing (Luhan Fanfic)

Staring

Luhan stits there, infront of the doctor, listening to every explanation the doctor said. He doesn't know what he feels right now. It totally feels like someone is hitting, punching, kicking him so hard, and everything is hurting him so bad until he feels nothing at all, not even a slight pain.

"We really apologize for this, we can do nothing about that" The doctor talks, feeling the pressure because he needs to deliver a bad news.

"Because of the hard crash, the fetus failed to survive, she misscariaged the baby" Luhan sighs and closes his eyes when he hears about that. This feels like a nightmare, he doesn't know what will he say to explain all of this to Lixian.

"And if she passes the critical period after the surgery, I assure she will be alright" The doctor continues and there is a slight relieved on his face but it can't hide his depression.

"Thank you" Luhan talks and walks out from the doctor's office.

Slowly he sits on the nearest seat, hiding his face completely as he looks down. He still has a chance to loss her. As he thinks about her, the super-guilty feeling comes and hits him hard. These past days, he treated her bad, he never showed affection to her and their baby. Now, before he could give the baby love, he already lost it.

Stupid? Idiot? Yes, he is. He admits it all, maybe he just have no brain, a creature with no heart. He does the flashback, and all he could say is what did he do? How could he do that? How could he think that way? How could he be an irresponsble man?

"I'm sorry" He whispers, hoping the wind will deliver it to Lixian who is laying on the surgery room.

"I'm sorry" He repeats, this time he apologizes for their baby. He should've give the baby love, he should've show the baby affection. Now the baby is gone, all he could say is sorry.

He knows, all of it is his fault, start from Jia and Hao's death until Lixian's accident and their baby's death. The problem here is him, not the other people, not the situation, not the timing. All fine, but not with him. If only he could be bolder, rejecting Jia in the first place, he could meet Lixian without hurting anybody. They might live their own life happily, but now it's too late. His fatal fault is rooting on the ground already, making a solid tree of his own regret and guilty.

***

Luhan could breath normally for a while because Lixian's surgery went well. She already placed in a nursing room. Now all he need to do is staying beside her, accompany her passing the critical period.

"Look at you" He whispers as he takes her hand, holding it softly but sadness fills his eyes because she couldn't hold him back.

"What have I done?" He continues and looks straight at her. He starts counting the wounds on her face and her body, as the number of her wounds get higher, the tears on his eyes fall and stream down his face. This crushes his heart into pieces, this tears him apart, leaving him in a deep pain.

"I'm sorry" He cries as he places a gentle kiss on the back of her hand, feeling the coldness of her pale skin.

"It's my fault, so wake up, and let me replace your place, hm?" He talks, hiccuping on his own words because it hurts him so bad to see her like this.

"Xian" His tone changes already into a miserable one.

"I love you, I really do, you were right, I'm so selfish, I was mad at myself but I released it to you, I'm sorry, I just couldn't bear it alone, the guilty and regret are consuming me" He places another kiss on her hand, hoping she could feel it, feel his love and affection.

"I miss you already my Xian, I promise I will fix everything for you, but you have to promise me, you will wake up, okay?" He asks with a faint smile, but the room goes quiet, no answer, just coldness welcomes him. Now he realizes how much he loves her, how much she means to him.