Where I Found You

Chapter 47 - Will here.

Chapter 47 - Will here.

I'm not prepared enough for this. It reminds me of when Alyssa lost her memory and didn't remember me, and I visited her, when we were both sixteen.

I fucked everything up that time, too. I have to do this right.

I don't look at her much as I walk into the room, and it's only until I hear her voice that I do, before I've even reached her bed.

"I'm not in the mood for this," she sniffs. "Please just . . . Don't start."

I ignore the disappointment I feel, how she doesn't even appreciate me anymore when I've been here ever since she got here, waiting around.

Her face is as pale as the sheet covering her, and she appears to be shaking, her hair slightly wild and her eyes tired. And I want so badly to make her feel alright again, that's the only thing.

So I slowly sit down beside the bed and look her right in the eye.

"Alyssa, I just wanted to see if you were okay," I whisper. My voice is hoarse and almost shy-sounding.

She puffs out some air. "Well you've seen me now."

"I'm sorry."

"Please, don't say that," she whispers, and the brightest tears you've ever seen well up in her eyes, making them shine so much.

I look down at her hand on the bed, and slowly, I reach out to place my own over the top of it. My blood seems to rush inside my veins when she doesn't pull away, only flinches slightly.

I gulp. There is so much about her now that I don't even know where to begin. I think about what Katy and Niall told me out in the waiting room when they arrived and I was already here, the thing that made me realise that I never can be with Alyssa again.

"When did you find out you were pregnant?"

Her emerald eyes run over my face, and I feel so exposed. But then they flicker away, down to her stomach. "Few days ago."

I guess I should be happy that she's even talking to me, really. After what I did to her. I can't decide whether to be angry at that Jack guy for knocking her up, or just feel happy that now Alyssa has something of him still living on.

"I think you'll be a brilliant mother," I mumble finally. I meet her eyes again and I'm so surprised to see she is staring at me and the tears are dripping down her face now.

Then a huge sob comes out of her mouth and she brings her hands up to press against her face, hiding it from my view. I don't want to make her cry like this, when I was trying to help.

I don't know what to do because she hates me - she would turn away any comfort from me.

"Alyssa," I whisper, and I think about that guy and it almost makes me cry because he was like me, and it could have been me and it wasn't. And he was actually innocent, and good to her, and that's what he got in return.

And I'm so mad about it, because if it was going to be anyone it should have been me. I'm so angry at myself.

I quickly lean forwards as she continues to sob loudly, then wrap my arms around her shoulders.

And she hesitates. But then she leans into my chest, and maybe she's imagining that it's Jack but it doesn't matter; I can feel her forehead press against my chest and I slowly stroke her hair, smoothing it down until she weakly wraps her arms around my back, shaking all over.

"It's okay," I whisper, then gulp. "It's alright. Let it out."

God only knows how long we stay there like that, her arms ever-weak around me, my hand ever-stroking her soft hair. But finally it's her that pulls away because it has to be like that; I can't pull away before she needs me to.

Then she lies down, wiping her eyes, and turning on her side to face me, she closes her eyes. And it's over.

"Thanks for not telling me to leave," I whisper finally, then ignore the temptation to stroke her cheek as I stand up. "Bye, Alyssa."

-

I don't expect to see her back when the Easter break is over, and I'm right.

As I sit in lectures and walk around with my friends on the first week I think of her, staying at Jack's family's house and trying to sort through the wreckage of what's happened. And she is going to get bigger and eventually be a mother; maybe she will move somewhere else eventually or maybe she will leave Jack's family with the baby if she wants to go back to university. And I realise the whole mess she's in and I wish I could help her.

The only person at Cambridge I talk to all this about is Sterling. I know he won't tell anyone and I don't want anyone else to find out via me; I don't want to spread shit around.

"I want to call her," I say to my friend one night while we're eating a Chinese delivery. "I want to help her."

Sterling nods, shovelling noodles into his mouth. "I know this sounds fuckin' wrong, but this could be your chance to get back together. Because she needs help."

"Should I call her?"

"I think you should try," Sterling begins. "But I'm tellin' you, if you break her heart again, I'll break all your bones, because she's already been through enough."

"I know." I look down and suddenly don't feel hungry anymore. "I think that things are just going to be worse, though."

My guess is correct. Because when I call her she doesn't pick up the first three times. I decide to call her the next morning, and when she answers, it's even worse than her not picking up.

"Please keep away from me, Will." Her voice is low and tired. "I'm pregnant. My boyfriend is gone. My parents hate me. Please don't make this anymore difficult."

"I want to help you, Alyssa," I argue, but I sound like a whining child.

"What interest do you have in me?" She snaps finally. "You seriously don't want to help me. You want a fun, outgoing, free girl, not me, because I'm none of those things. So stop calling. I don't want your help."

"Alyssa, please," I hurry. "You know why I want to help you. Because I love-"

"Bye, Will."

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