Where I Found You

Chapter 48 - Alyssa now.

Chapter 48 - Alyssa now.
(one year later)

"Can I take James for a walk?"
"I was actually thinking of going to the park, Stella."
"Oh. I'll come with you!"
"I kind of want to go alone, hun."
"Oh. Okay, then. That's fine."
Jack's son has the best aunts and uncle in the world, and the best granddad. But sometimes I feel they're too good, and I just want to be alone with my baby for a while.
And it's really painful, telling them that.
Stella lifts James up out of the cot as he wakes up and hands him to me, then goes to sit down on the bed. I kind of want to find my own place to live now, but I don't want to leave Michael and Dan and Stella and Jess after everything they've done. I can't help but feel like a burden here, though.
After feeding James, I hold him with his chin resting on my shoulder and then go down the stairs to the kitchen, passing Dan on the way, who kisses James' cheek as he brings his breakfast up the stairs to his bedroom.
I get breakfast quickly, all the while holding James. He hardly ever cries, and he never wakes up during the night; looking after him is much easier than I imagine other babies are.
I can tell that he's going to be the image of his dad in the future. He has really dark brown hair (even though Jack's was black) and huge green eyes that seem to just stare everywhere, with slightly more tanned skin than I have.
"I love you," I whisper to him as his fist encloses around my hair, then kiss his chubby cheek as I butter my toast.
"Morning, Alyssa."
I turn around to see Michael. He smiles slightly and comes forwards to hug me gently, kissing my forehead and then James'. Then he takes him from me and holds him as I stand and eat slowly.
"Hello." As I watch him, I imagine him doing the same thing with Jack when he was young, and I have to turn away with an aching chest, looking out into the garden through the window over the sink.
I don't say anything to him until he asks me what I'm doing today and I tell him that I'm going to the park, then I don't know what.
When I turn around, James seems to be falling back asleep as Michael rocks him slowly. I slowly stroke his hair, then have a glass of water and sit down at the table.
"I need to find . . . Some sort of a job," I begin, as I watch the pair of them.
Michael looks up immediately. "Alyssa, I promise you I have no problem with you staying here. If you want to find a place on your own, that is fine, but you can't look after James on your own. We can help you more if you stay here."
I sigh and run a hand through my hair. "I can't help but feel like a burden. On all of you. I want to get a job, but it's so hard . . . Because there will be no one to look after him. You'll be at work, and the others will be at school - it's not even any of your responsibilities to look after him anyway. And as for going back to university, I don't know what I'm going to do, Michael . . . "
He frowns, coming over and then - with difficulty - crouching down beside my chair so that his face is level with mine. He slowly hands me James, who rests his head against my chest as I hold him close to me.
"Alyssa," Michael begins. He reaches out and gently places his hand against the side of my head, his dark eyes full of kindness. "You are family. You aren't an outsider at all, you can live here for as long as you want, and all of us will take care of you and James. You don't need to rush into anything, love, just relax. If you want to go back to university we can make it happen."
Gratitude and affection rushes through my veins as I watch him, and I slowly smile, tears making my eyes sting. I can only nod, because I don't have the words to explain how thankful I am.
"Okay," he whispers finally, then kisses my forehead again and straightens up, checking his watch. "I have to go to work now."
-
I take the car to the huge park slightly out of town, James in the car seat beside me, half asleep and completely adorable.
The leaves on some trees have pink tinges to them, and some fall down in front of the window as I drive. I don't look at my old house, where a family with small children live now - my parents took my brother and left six months ago, and haven't even seen their grandchild.
For a while I didn't want to drive or go in a car ever again. What happened to Jack was so shocking and quick that it scared me and even though I had heard about people having car accidents before, it happening to Jack made things real and scary.
However I realised that you can't live like that - the chances of things like that happening aren't as big as they may seem, and you have to take a chance sometimes, anyway.
I park the car on the road near the park gates, then climb out and scoop James up. As soon as the cold air reaches his face his eyes snap open, and he grabs a lock of my hair again, as I slowly wrap his blanket-jacket around him; it's like a blanket but with a hood and sleeves and legs.
I didn't bring his pram, so I just hold him, lock the car, and begin to walk along towards the entrance to the park. There is one woman who stares at me as I walk past, then suddenly smiles at me, shrugging her shoulders as she pulls her dog along harshly.
Inside the park there are a lot of walkways. The grass is all dewy and dark from the recent spring rain, although the path is dry. James lifts his head slightly off my shoulder and starts to sleepily look around at all the trees and people, until I reach a bench and sit down.
Random people often think that I'm just looking after James whenever they see him with me, and when I tell them that I'm his mum, they look surprised. I have to explain a lot that he looks like his dad, even though that would be obvious.
I can't even think about the future yet; James will be surrounded by Jack's family, but not Jack. And he'll never be able to know him, only wonder.
Slowly he starts to try and scramble up to my shoulder, his eyes half closed as he wraps one arm around my neck. I lift him upwards to rest his chin on my shoulder, then fix his hood and close my eyes, cuddling him close to me as his cheek presses against mine.
I don't care about sitting here like that; people can look all they want. I am past the point of caring about little things like that. I could almost fall asleep here, and just as I can feel James falling asleep again, his head slipping down slightly-
"Alyssa?"
I almost jump out of my skin as I hear my own name. I open my eyes quickly, to see a shockingly familiar but different person, with dark brown hair and tan skin and chocolate brown eyes, and for some reason I feel my insides melt ever so slightly as I look up at Will Palmer.
He isn't even looking at me though, his eyes are fixed on the back of James' head as he sleeps. He quickly glances back at me, then walks forward stiffly to sit down on the bench, leaving some space between us.
He has changed, there is no doubt about it - he looks older even though it is only a year since I last saw him, his hair is shorter than it used to be and he has a bit of a couple of days' stubble on his jaw and cheeks. He's twenty, now.
I wonder why he's even here, in this park that is half way between Kingston and Oxford. Then I remember; he lives in Oxford now and because it's the Easter break, he's back home.
I turn my upper body to face him, cradling James against my chest. His head lifts all of a sudden, and I think he is staring at Will as I stare at him, too.
I take in a deep breath. "Hi."
"Hey," he says hurriedly, and awkwardly. He's still staring at James as if he's never seen a baby in his life before.
"What brings you here?" I want to know.
He slowly scratches the back of his neck, watching me with discomfort. "I used to come to this park with my parents . . . I wanted to get out of the house so I just came here for a walk."
There is some silence for a while, while I nod.
"This is James," I whisper finally, then adjust his hood and kiss his cheek, closing my eyes briefly.
Will blinks. "He has your eyes," he murmurs, then slowly leans forward on the bench, looking away from us as he rests his elbows on his knees, slowly exhaling heavily.
"Um, yeah." I look down and then back towards him, my heart thumping so much I'm scared that he will be able to hear it. James tucks his knees up to his chest, and I hold him in my arms, slowly rocking him.
I hear myself say conversationally, "He never cries. Never wakes me up during the night."
Will looks back at me and smiles for the first time. "Yeah? He looks pretty chilled out."
"Wanna hold him?" I don't know where that came from.
I watch Will very closely, as he glances between me and then James, then back at me. He looks slightly alarmed, but before he can protest I lift James up and then hold him out towards Will, shuffling a little closer.
I can't help but laugh a little, as Will nods and then holds out his hands, looking like he's about to be given a foreign object.
I slowly hand him James and they both stare at eachother as Will holds him away from his body at first, then slowly brings him into his chest and James grabs hold of Will's jacket tightly in one fist.
"Is this okay?" Will laughs, then tears his eyes away from James to look at me.
I smile. "Yes. Have you never held a baby before?"
"Only when I was like, twelve, when my mum's friend had a baby. But that was it because I'm the youngest in the whole extended family," Will says, glancing from me to James and then back again.
I slowly look away from his face, nodding, towards James whose bright green eyes are just staring up at Will's face. He lifts his other hand to clumsily touch Will's face, like he does a lot with Dan when he pulls faces at him.
"I think he likes you," I let Will know as he laughs, his eyes wide as he watches James.
After a while of silence, he hands me him back and I rock him, watching Will's eyes run across my whole entirety, not missing a single spot.
"How are you?" He asks, eventually. And I think back to the last time I spoke to him, when he called me and I told him to leave me alone when he told me how much he wanted to help.
I feel faintly embarrassed.
I gently rock James, then look up at Will to see concern etched over his features.
"Better than I was before," I say finally, my voice a bit faint. I kiss James' forehead. "I'm glad I have James." And I am, because he isn't difficult and even though I am busy with him a lot, he is the reason to carry on and continue and be the best person I can because I have to be there for him, because I am his mother.
Will nods, then looks down and sighs. "I've been thinking about you a lot. How old is James now?"
"Three months."
He nods. "I thought he'd be about that. How're Katy and Niall doing?"
"Wonderful. They're still together. And they are great friends," I inform him immediately.
I realise he keeps jumping from topic to topic - me, then James, then Niall and Katy. I wonder where he will go next.
But he is silent for a long time, so I look down at the ground, and then ask as brightly as possible, "So how is your family? Your parents and sister?"
He looks slightly on edge for a second, then looks off towards the other side of the park. "Actually, they're all okay, thanks," he says eventually, as if something has happened that might make them not okay.
I don't say anything, though. James begins to fall asleep, and I cuddle him close to my chest, as his fist curls around the neck of my top and he breathes noisily through his nose.
"When was he born?" Will's voice is a little faint.
I look up at him to see him watching James with a soft expression on his face, almost adoration.
I smile slightly. "First of February," I murmur. I stroke his dark curls, then examine Will, in his black jacket and dark jeans and scuffed-up black Converse. And somewhere in there I can see him when he was sixteen.
"How is university?" I finally ask him, knowing he was watching me as I did the whole body scan.
"Alright. I'm living with Sterling, Anthony and Martin now. Have you spoken to any of the people from Cambridge lately?" He asks me.
I slowly look down and shrug. "Anthony and Martin. And Irene. I was surprised when they visited me after James was born. Myra, too. And, uh . . . So did Zara and Tai."
Will looks surprised, which is exactly how I felt when I saw them all. Zara and Tai came separately because their relationship ended badly, apparently, but they were all very nice that I almost forgot I hadn't seen them for a good while. Myra came with Tai obviously because they're cousins, and she was strangely friendly, and not in her over the top, crazy way; she was genuinely nice.
"I haven't spoken to Tai in a while," Will finally announces. His voice sounds a bit distant, and finally he leans forwards to the edge of the chair, looking like he wants to leave.
"Do you have to go?" I ask, all in a rush.
He quickly looks back at me, then shakes his head. "No. I was just . . ." He pauses and runs a hand through his hair, and I watch his every move with a trembling heart because I'm not used to him having hair this short, closely cropped at the sides and back like this. But his voice shakes me out of the stupid thought.
"Tomorrow," he begins shakily. "Would you like to . . . meet up for lunch?"
I just blink, and James thrashes a little in my arms as a strong gust of wind blows, and sends wisps of my hair flying over the place and knocking his hood off his head. I quickly put it back on again.
The fact that Will looks so nervous makes me almost feel sorry for him, makes me really actually want to meet up with him again.
"I- alright." I turn to face him and nod determinedly. "Where?"
He seems to have it all figured out. "There's a coffee shop across the road. It does food, too." He gives me a hopeful smile, which I slowly return.
"Okay." I nod. "Okay."
I don't know why I say it twice.
"My number is still the same," Will blurts out quickly. It's as if he's been dying to tell me this, and it's because of me that it's still the same; maybe because he was hoping I would want to contact him one day and I would try that number.
"So is mine," I whisper, as James suddenly wakes up fully and begins to cry. I quickly begin to rock him, pulling his hood up more and wrapping the blanket-jacket tighter around him. "Sssh," I breathe, leaning down to kiss his nose he wails.
As soon as I pull his face against my chest, his crying stops abruptly, like someone switching the power off a record.
I had almost forgotten about Will. When I remember him and look back up, his brown eyes look almost glazed over, fixed on me, as he slouches on the bench beside me.
"What time would you like to meet, then?" I ask.
Will seems to snap out of his daze. "Um- well. What is best for you?"
I shrug. "Anything. Maybe after twelve."
"That's fine. Is one okay, then?" Will smiles again at me, and it's a happy, genuine smile that you can't ignore, only try to make brighter.
"Perfect."
-
I don't know why I try to make myself look better than usual the next day. I leave my hair down instead of tying it up in a quick ponytail, and look for the nicest top and nicest skirt I own to wear.
Stella always gets up early, like me. As I'm pulling my tights on, she walks into the room.
"I'll look after James today," she announces. Her hair is sticking up at the front slightly from where she has been sleeping. She sits down on the bed and watches me put my shoes on.
"You don't need to." I sit down beside her and the pair of us watch him sleep in his cot. "I can take him with me."
"Alyssa, you deserve a break." Her dark are eyes are so full of light, as she stares at me all of a sudden. "You trust us with him, don't you?"
"Yes, but-"
"Well then."
"You're only thirteen! And Dan's only sixteen, and neither of you should be looking after a baby." I frown at her.
Stella just stares at me resolutely. "There are two bottles of milk in the kitchen. So we should be fine to look after him for just a few hours. It's not like we'll be looking after him the whole day. Don't you trust us?"
"I do, trust you!"
She shakes her head, then stands up and grabs my hand, pulling me upwards. I'm surprised when she pulls me into a tight hug, and she's almost taller than me now.
"Then go. You have a break. Go meet your friend," she pats my back and I hug her tightly before pulling away.
Because guilt is slowly lining my insides - I haven't exactly told her who the friend is.
I don't know how she and the others would react if they knew it was Will who I was meeting; the guy who in some ways, was the reason I had a relationship with Jack. I wouldn't have gotten involved with him if Will didn't cheat on me.
And if he hadn't then I wouldn't have been with Jack. I wouldn't have James.
So I only told Stella that I was meeting up with a friend; I don't know if Will qualifies as that, but he'll have to, for now.
-
It feels strange, being in the car without James beside me in his car seat. I put on the radio to make me feel less alone, but the music is terrible on every station that I tune into.
So thankfully the journey isn't very long. I park in front of the coffee shop that Will told me about; I've seen it before and it looks rather nice. Then I grab my bag and get out of the car, walking quickly into the coffee shop and out of the cold.
I'm immediately hit by the warm smell of coffee. All the tables in the place are made from a dark wood, and there are a few booths at the side with bright cushions. At the counter there is a queue of two people, the man at the front apparently chatting up the waitress serving him. The place isn't crowded, but a lot of the tables are occupied.
And Will is sitting at a table for two near the back. He's glancing around the place with his phone in his hand, and I have to steady myself before beginning to step over.
When he sees me coming, he grins broadly, then raises a hand.
I can't help but think I'm sort of giving him what he wants; he wants me to trust him again. I don't completely, but maybe if I keep talking to him I will. And then he probably will expect me to get involved with him like I was before again, which I just can't do. But I'm sick of being hostile and avoiding.
So I smile back, more confident than ever.
For the first time in a long while, I'm blushing as Will stands up and actually pulls out my chair. I try to look away from his eyes, because he's being so polite and nice and I feel more important than usual as he sits down and runs his eyes over my face.
"Where's James?" He asks, raising a dark eyebrow.
I sigh softly. "Um, Stella and Dan are with him. They insisted." I shrug, as he nods, and I rest my hands on top of the table, then look down before glancing back up.
"So how've you been?" I blurt out. I don't know what else to say. I don't even look at him. I start playing with the corner of a page on the menu.
I hear him sigh. "I- Okay. The same. But, um, I was worried about you."
"You didn't need to be." I glance back up at him, and I don't mean to be cold. But he looks sheepish.
"Well, I was."
And I realise that there isn't going to be much small talk now, because it's either silence or deep conversation with Will - I don't do small talk very well, and he can't seem to be able to bare it. Yesterday's small talk between us on that bench sort of died.
I don't know what to say after that. He doesn't speak, either. So I start to look at all the food on the menu and I realise finally how hungry I am.
I sigh. "I think I'm gonna get a chicken-"
"Alyssa, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I did when I left Kingston," he blurts out. I look up at him and his eyes are wide and dark and his jaw is clenched, a muscle working at the side.
"I was a dickhead," he goes on. "I don't know why I did it, and I ask myself that everyday, and I feel so guilty - I can't even go a day without thinking about it, Alyssa. And I'm not trying to get you to forgive me or anything; I just- I just wanted to tell you how I'm sorry-"
"It's in the past," I hear myself say. I sigh and look away, around at the cafe, before looking back at his pain-filled face. "It was ages ago. It was a mistake - a horrible, stupid one, but I moved on and- and you should, too, Will. I'm not in the greatest position now, though, but that doesn't mean you should try and help me or something because you feel guilty about what you did-"
"I don't want to help you because I feel guilty," he starts loudly. A few people look around, but I am just staring at him. "I want to help you because I-"
"Please don't," I whisper frantically, cutting him off. "It's been a year since he died, I know, but it's not long enough to get over it. Will, if that's what you came here for, to try and get me back or something, then I might as well leave."
Will leans back in the chair, slouching and sighing and glaring down at the floor, and as he crosses his arms over his chest, he just says stiffly, "I'm not trying to get you back. But you need help, Alyssa. I just want to be there for you. Okay?"
"You're driven by guilt."
That's when he snaps, his eyes no longer a melted chocolate colour, but a mad darkness, as he runs his hand through his hair.
"Maybe I am!" He exclaims restlessly. I wince slightly as the people around us exchange glances and eye rolls. "But not just because of what I did to you. But because I was there at the accident, and- all I could think about was, was that could have been me but because of what I did to you, it was him instead, and it was all my fucking fault! And I was there, in the car behind, the first witness, and it was like fate or whatever put me there to show me the damage I'd done."
I can't speak; suddenly I've forgotten how to. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid talking about; the accident. I just look down at the table, away from Will's frustrated glare. Out of the corner of my eye I see him rubbing the back of his neck, as he leans back in the chair.
I never thought about it that way, and suddenly I feel I should comfort him because he should not feel that way either - no matter how much I was hurt when he cheated on me, I do not want him to feel like that because it isn't right.
"Will," I finally mutter lowly. "Please- don't think like that. That's not right. It wasn't anyone's fault . . . "
He doesn't answer me. I look back up at him to see him staring down at the table, playing with the salt shaker.
"I don't really . . . want to talk about this," I whisper, then close my eyes and sigh.
When I open them again, he's staring at me but something has changed in his eyes, in his whole face - it isn't hard and angry, more sorry and weak.
His hand slides across to my half of the table, his jaw still working, and he doesn't touch me, but his hand is there against the table, steady and tan and familiar.
"I promise I won't talk about it again. Please don't leave." His voice is such a pleading whisper, and he almost looks like a child begging when they say 'I won't do it again' because they don't want to be punished.
I run my eyes over his face and it's so warm, from his slanting cheekbones to his long eyelashes and from his straight nose to nice mouth.
"I'm not going to leave," I murmur finally, and he smiles, nodding and then pulling his hand back.
The waiter comes after that, and we both order; me a chicken salad and water and Will a burger and Coke. I watch as Will speaks to the waiter in such a nonchalant way, his elbow on the table, shaking his head just once and speaking with careless ease as the waiter asks him if he wants ice. I almost forget where we are, and when he actually looks at me, it's so sudden that I don't know what to do that I just keep staring.
And he stares right back.
"I can't wait for summer," he announces eventually. He's still staring at me in that unmoving way.
I nod, and don't blink either, yet. "Yes, I'd like some good weather, too."
"Not just that," Will mumbles. "I'll finally get a break from work and stuff."
I raise an eyebrow and we slowly have stopped the full-on eye staring. "Isn't the Mardi Gras open during summer?"
"Well it is, but it gets quiet 'cause there aren't many students around, so they don't need as many people to work there. The rest of us get let off," Will says with a smile and a shrug. "I'll have to find a summer job, but I just wanted to have a break from the restaurant; it gets hectic."
I nod. "Of course. Where d'you think you'll work this summer?" I ask.
He shrugs. "I don't know. When I was at Sixth Form in Oxford I worked at the sports centre as a lifeguard. Maybe they'll have me back."
I sigh and run a hand through my hair - he follows it with his eyes. "I want to find a job for the time being. But . . . I have to look after James. Michael is very good because he supports us and everything, and . . . I had some money saved up. But I just want a job, y'know?"
His forehead creases slightly, then nods and rests his elbow on the table. He shifts forward on the chair and watches me with what looks like interest. "Maybe when James is older you can get one . . . and go back to uni. Right?"
I nod confidently. "Yes."
"If you ever want help-"
"So are you going anywhere this summer?" I ask, knowingly cutting him off and leaning back in the chair.
His mouth scrunches up slightly when I interrupt him, but he answers the question. "Um, Anthony and Martin want to go somewhere with a load of people. Two of the girls from work want to go too, but they're all loaded - or their parents are - and Sterling and I and the others are practically broke. Miki is going home to Japan for summer."
"Where do they wanna go?"
"I dunno. Some European tour. Nah, I think I'll stay home. I haven't got any money saved up." He shrugs, looks at me, and then runs a hand through his hair - I remember he used to do it a lot when he was frustrated or under pressure or nervous.
The waiter comes with our drinks then, and I have something to occupy my hands with. I stir the water with the straw, swirling the ice and lemon round as Will watches me.
"So," I hear myself say. "Do you have a girlfriend?"
He looks genuinely surprised. He puts down the glass that he just picked up to drink, and looks over at me. "No, I don't."
I slowly take a sip of my water and watch him. "Oh. Why not?"
Will just stares at me incredulously, his eyes widening ever so slightly. "Well, I- I just, I don't want one right now."
I don't know why I am asking him this like a weirdo, opening up a whole new awkward conversation. I guess I just had to make sure of it, and be aware of anything that's going on.
It's not like it concerns me or anything, though.
I'm aware of the fact that Will looks distinctly embarrassed. He looks over towards the wall, obviously trying to avoid my eye, and slowly drinks from his glass. Then he looks back at me, making me almost jump.
"I'm sorry," I mutter, all in a rush. "I'm sorry."
"About what?"
"Asking you if you had a girlfriend and all that." I gulp. "I don't know why I asked, I just, I don't know what to say."
Will's eyes seem to gleam for a second, with something close to amusement. Then he shakes his head and smiles slightly. "Don't worry. You don't have to say anything."
I take in a deep, slow breath. "I just feel like . . . Nothing can exactly be normal between us because so much has happened and-"
"Alyssa," Will sighs. He reaches across and actually grabs my hand, and I don't pull away. "Calm down. Things can be normal between us, okay? It'll be okay."
It's strange, because I do believe him. And I find that I don't want to - things being normal between us is exactly what I am frightened of.

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