Cupid's Soldier

Chapter 13

Everyday is a back and forth for me: a continuous push and pull of loneliness, guilt, and deterioration. Ever since he kidnapped me, I've been repeating the same routine over and over again: Mom and I both get ready - she's found a new job and I'm so proud of her - I walk to school, feeling like someone's been watching me and avoiding Austen constantly, then I go home for a couple of hours, either waiting for my mom to come home or for her to fall asleep, and then I leave. I leave inside the car of the man who's been controlling me. I'm nothing more than a puppet anymore.

Every day I feel myself getting weaker and weaker, and it's been going on like this for two months. I'm never allowed to have any time to myself, and even though I still get to post things on my blog, it doesn't feel the same. I'm useless. I'm nothing but average.

Right now, I'm in my English class and I'm trying not to fall asleep. I stayed up all night last night helping my father put away files on his computer, he's given me access to horrible things. The things that he's done, that these files say he's done, prove he isn't the same man I used to call my dad. His excuse for forcing me to become a criminal, that if I'm to be there with him I might as well make myself useful. I've given up on trying to help him realize that what he's doing is wrong. Instead, I'm just gaining their trust. I've been sending files to my computer, and I hope that once I've gained all of their trust I can blackmail them to let me go, to let us go.

If it comes to it, I'll snitch. I don't know, maybe he still loves Mom and I, but love just isn't enough for a situation like this. He's putting me in situations where I can't have a real relationship with my mom. She's finally feeling better and I have to lie to her, it's cruel. He's putting me in a situation where I have to look behind me every three seconds wondering if the people I love will be okay. I wish he would've just stayed away. At least then, he wouldn't have been able to hurt us.

I wonder when all of this will end... I'm starting to think that it might last forever. Will I ever be able to go to college? My life is out of my control now and that's terrifying. Working for a gang doesn't exactly seem like a dream job. If I have to work like this for my father this entire time I feel like I'll lose myself in this depression. The man I call my father has done nothing but hurt my family and I can't do anything but watch it happen. I'm powerless...He's my downfall and my creator, literally and metaphorically. It's not only sad but it's tiring. Every tick of the clock is a reminder that I have to leave my mother in the night. Every unspoken word as the student's all silently read Pride and Prejudice just reminds me that I can't ever have what they have because of my dad and his business.

I have to be more responsible than every other teenager that I've ever met in my entire life. Guys aren't a priority, they aren't even a fun opportunity. Guys, especially ones that I think I might have a slight crush on, need to stay as far away from me as they can get. And all of this is just more proof that love isn't enough. If you're hurting the people that you or putting them in danger, staying with them is irresponsible.

Austen might make me happy but my happiness won't last long if he's murdered because of me. He's a normal guy with normal dreams and a normal life, he deserves to be able to live it. He doesn't deserve to be a part of a life like mine.

The bell rings for the second period and I start off into the hallway like a zombie. Every slow lift of my legs takes effort. Every time I blink, it's heavy. No doubt, the dark circles under my eyes are obvious.

"Little Sel!" I hear a strong voice call out to me, and if I wasn't so tired I would've ran to class just to avoid him. I don't bother looking behind me, hoping he'll get the hint as I continue my slow tread to room 1023.

"Wait up, Ms. Perfect! Come on!" Austen runs in front of me, blocking me from moving any further down the hallway. "Where have you been?" He asks curiously and a little angrily, like he already knows the answer. "It's been two months since we've had a real conversation."

"Ignoring you," I say tiredly. "And trying to forget about you." I mumble quietly to myself.

He takes a step closer to me and I take a step back, we continue this little dance until I'm pushed up against a locker. He smirks at me, his body pressing up against me and his buff arms caging me in.

"Why?" He asks huskily, his eyes searching mine carefully. "What did I do wrong?"

Nothing, is what I want to say, but, instead, I just glare at him. This would have been easier if he stopped talking to me and at first it seemed like he was going to, but after the first month, he became persistent.

"You kissed me," I say quietly, hoping that he'll think that I didn't like it or something, hoping that he won't make me explain any further than that. He gets even closer to me, his labored breath on my lips begins to enchant me, and I don't want to move. His lips miss mine by an inch and pass my neck, heading towards my ear. I try not to moan at the feeling. "You wanted me to." He whispers seductively in my ear, kissing my ear hauntingly and I swallow air as an automatic response. Little tingles start to trail up and down my spine as he moves away from me, his lips brushing my cheek.

He smirks at my flushed face, but as he takes time to observe it the cocky glow disappears.

"When was the last time you slept?" He asks me sincerely, his eyes full of concern. Sadly I couldn't even answer that question, I know I didn't sleep last night. Usually, I only get an hour or two of sleep before school. When was the last time I even had proper sleep? I really have no idea. He looks at me pointedly and swoops down to pick me up. I laughed tiredly and placed my head on his shoulder, too tired to object. He kisses my forehead and starts to walk me in the opposite direction of my next class.

My eyes start to shut on their own accord and as my vision starts to blurry and hazy, I can't help but think that I've failed him, but I've never been so happy to have failed at something in my entire life than I have at this moment. I hear Austen talking to someone as he moves, he stops suddenly and places on a bed or something soft.

"Go to sleep, little Sel." Austen whispers on my forehead, and I yawn tiredly in response, maybe just maybe he's going to be the person who makes me get through all of this.