Cupid's Soldier

Chapter 16

I watch her as she storms into some random dude's car, again. I watch as the car starts. I watch as she leaves me.

My heart drops into my stomach and I feel like crying. As I try to swallow the lump in my throat, I try to forget the sound of a gun going off next to me. I try to forget the way the image of Lissa's cold lifeless body because of my own incompetence. I try to forget my own cruelty.

If I weren't so messed up, I could've told her everything about me. I would've spilt every secret I had. I would've wrapped my heart in a box and given it to her. Hell, technically, my heart belongs to her, I'm just being stubborn and refusing to hand it over despite it rightfully being owned by her.

We could've been good together -- in an alternate universe where I'm not crazy, sad, and broken. I could've taken her on a proper date, I could've taken her out to eat at a fancy restaurant. I could've made her laugh and smile all night long. I could've escorted her to her doorstep when it was time for her to go home, smiling the whole time like some kind of drunken fool, and then I could've kissed her.

I could've made her proud to date a sweet guy like me. She wouldn't have to warn anyone about all of my little triggers. If I met her parents she wouldn't have to tell her mom something like: "Hey mom, guess what? You can't stare at my boyfriend for too long cause' he'll black out and probably punch something," or "Hey mom, this is my boyfriend, Austen, he's been in a lot of fights and has terrible anger issues, but he's awesome because... he can be sweet sometimes despite the shouting and craziness... Actually you're right he doesn't deserve me. I'll break up with him tomorrow, don't worry."

Because I am that messed up and if I tell her all my secrets then she'll not only run away as fast as she can, she'll never want to associate with me again. If we ever got together now, I wouldn't just ruin her, she'd ruin me and I wouldn't be able to recover from all of that pain. She's got that kind of a hold on my heart. I don't think I can handle the pain I'll feel when she finally realizes I'm too broken.

The people around the school parking lot stare at me curiously, and I start to get uncomfortable. As more and more people stare, my blood begins to boil. Every stare reminds me that I'm a little piece of shit, I'm nothing, I'm not worthy of love, and the pure part of me that used to exist when I was little has been gone for a long ass time.

A scream rips through my throat and my vision goes black.

"Stop fucking staring at me!" I hear myself shout, my fists clenching so hard it's painful. I feel a hand touch my arm and I yank it off.

"Get the fuck off of me!" I growl loudly.

"Austen, dude it's me. Calm down."

I punch whoever the hell has just tried to touch me. And when my vision finally returns to me, I see Corbin doubled over, his hands on his stomach.

"I'm sorry Corbin, I didn't know it was you." I try to help him up off the ground and when he glares at me, I sigh. "I'm really sorry."

"It's fine, I was just trying to help you man. I know how you are."

Corbin is my best friend, my confidante. When other people have looked at me and judged me, he didn't. This guy recognizes that I have my anger issues, and he tries to help me. He's the only guy I've ever even considered telling about the nonstop dreams that I get. The dreams where I'm murdering the person who tried to take Lissa. The dreams where I only feel remorse after the guy's dead. At first, he wanted me to tell him about my past, and one day I almost did but he stopped me because he knew that I clearly wasn't ready. I'm glad I have a friend like him in my life. No one else would understand. He might be a chill dude but he's had a rough life too.

He told me about how his mom was arrested when he was around seven and how he lives with his dad. Mr. Jackson was always pretty buff, he never really spoke to me and I was kind of scared of him. One day I was at Corbin's house and Corbin and I were playing Shrek on his game cube when Mr. Jackson started shouting. I remember watching Corbin shake and him telling me I should leave. To this day, he still hasn't tried to explain it. I haven't asked him about it either. We have a sort of silent agreement that until we're both ready we won't tell each other all of the shit going on in our lives.

"It's okay man, are you ready to chill? Not at mine today, though, Dad's home."

"That's cool, but Lissa's gonna be home. Try not to drool all over her," I chuckle slightly when I see how uncomfortable he looks. "Come on dude, I know you like her."

He weaves his hand through his hair and sighs. When he looks at me he doesn't seem uncomfortable anymore, just sad.

"It doesn't matter, she barely thinks of me as a friend, and she likes that asshole Jake."

We both start walking to my car, and when we drive off, we sit in silence. We both think about the girls in our life that we know we can't be with.

When we get to my house I'm surprised to see Dad's car in the driveway. He's usually busy working in the family business, Hendrik's Place, it's a huge car retailer around our house and so we're pretty well off. If he's not there he's waiting for mom to get off work at Hamilton's Ring. She owns the place so she's usually spending a lot of time there too. My parents are just busy people. Since the other three idiots she raised moved out, Mom's been spending time working on her gym. I wish I could see mom more often but it is what it is. Kaden's probably gonna end up taking over dad's business and Kale's probably going to end up taking over mom's. Me, Lissa, and Angel, are trying to find other ways to make money in our future. The thought just stresses me out though.

So why is the old man here? Never mind, I probably did something.

Corbin and I get out of the car and when we get inside, Dad is watching TV with my depressed looking brother, Kale, and some random scrawny blonde guy.

"Mr. Hendrickson, what did Kale look like when he was younger? Did he always look like an adorable sad puppy?"

Kale has always been reserved and quiet, but this guy next to him somehow got Kale to actually defend himself.

"Will you kindly shut up? I don't look like a puppy."

Corbin looked at me and we both grinned, whoever this kid was got my brother to stop acting like a depressed German Shepherd.

"You might not have looked like one, but you sure as hell acted like it." I said loudly, making both the skinny blonde guy and Kale jump up.

"I don't know you, but if you want stories about this idiot, I'm your guy." I walk over to the sofa with Corbin and we sit down across from them. I would never miss an opportunity to completely embarrass any of my older brothers.

"Well, one day, when Kale and I were at this party..."