As it gets closer and closer, it becomes harder to breathe. I try to understand why this is happening to me, but I just don't have an answer. I am trying to run but I can't move, it's like my legs are frozen. I understand that I can't run away from it. Why is something so dark, evil, coming for me? What does it want? What will it accomplish by having me? I need answers! I gasp for air but there is none. I wonder where my savior is, but no one is to be found, its only me stuck in a place where time isn't moving, stuck in a place where I fear the outcome. I don't know if I have strength left to help myself from this place. I need air but there isn't any, some help me, please! I hear a noise, it's muffled but familiar, someone I know and someone who knows me. Is this the person that is here to save me or someone that will end my misery?
"BLAIR!"
I hear a panicked clear voice,
"BLAIR, Wake up. It's going to be OK. Big Mama is here, I've got ya."
Drenched in sweat I open my eye and I finally can breathe, I look up to see that my mom is here, sitting on my bed, holding me. I don't fully realize that I have been awaken from something that was only a dream, until my ear is against her chest and I hear her heart beating rapidly. Then footsteps, I try to stop crying but it the feeling from the dream continue to flood back into my memory on repeat. The footsteps stop, I look down onto the hardwood floors to see a pair of shoes, large black cheap dirty leather shoes. I look up and there he is asking mom what's wrong, breathing heavily over her, his presence somehow makes the room feel darker and frigid. He takes a breath in and lets out a non-concerning tone along with his raspy husked voice,
" What's wrong? Is she alright, I need to load up for the hospital? "
Hearing his voice alone, and those words, makes me want to lay back down close my eye and drifted off back to my nightmare. I can feel that Big Mama is still holding onto me tightly, she leans over to whisper in my ear,
"Everything is OK. We are here in the now, together."
She can see that my rapid breathing has stopped, I feel her arms loosen and fade out from the under my back. She gently pulls the thrown off covers back over my limp weak body. I see the light from the hallway shining into my room grow bigger as they both open the door to leave me alone in my sorrows. Then as I hear both of their footsteps walking away from the door, Big Ma whispers,
" I love you number 3"
She says these sweet words that linger in the air make the air sweet as she closes the door shut. The door shuts just so softly, while I can still see the bright hallway light peering into the room through the bottom of the door, it almost gives me comfort knowing that I am not completely in the dark. Trying to reposition myself to gain comfort, I look up at the ceiling, wishing that I wasn't the way that I am or having the dreams that I have. Hoping that I could put a stop to it all, or at least understand why it's happening. Why? Why is all of this pain and despair happening to me ...
I drift off to semi peacefully sleep only to be awaken by the next morning and to the smell of fresh fruit and cinnamon French toast. I sit up and gaze out my window to see the sun greet me. I swing my legs over to the side of the bed to place my bare feet on the hardwood that was warm from the suns light. I went int to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face as I try to forget the night that I previously had. I am finally prepared to down stairs and see what conversation awaits me.
I begin to walk down the steps as slowly and softly as I can, trying not to make my presence known. My bare swollen feet hit the cold hard wooden floors boards as they let out a small creaking noise. Then my feet touch the soft fuzzy carpet in the living room, I head to the kitchen to see Big Mama standing there and Ralph hunched over at the table shoveling food into his mouth like this will be his last meal. I make sure to keep my head to show that I am not ready for conversation let alone discussing my nightmare. I sit down at the silver wooden table, that Big Mama and I spray painted when Eliot and Audrey died, Big Ma always said that being creative helps heal the soul, Ralph was ferrous when he saw that his oak wood table that he worked so hard to build was a metallic silver. Neither one of us cared because it served its purpose of making us feel slight better, so I guess there was some truth in what Big Mama said.
I pull out my old black leather notebook, that is cover in sticker and pictures of my childhood, that I brought down. I slide the purple pen from its cover, open it to a new clean blank page and start writing.
Dear love bugs,
I miss you both so much! I had a dream that filled me with so many questions. Why couldn't it have been him instead of you? I know that is terrible of me to ask but I don't understand how two of the world's best people can just be gone in an instant, and with no warning. I always wonder if you miss me wherever you guys are. I bet that Audrey is at a fancy restaurant with her nose in a book not noticing that everyone in the room gazing at her beauty, while trying to muster the courage to ask if they can buy her a drink. And I bet Eliot is off somewhere making new worldly friends. Well at least I hope that is what you two trouble makers are up to. I'll try to come visit you tomorrow I have to see what or if we have anything planned. I still haven't gone back to school, I don't think that I will until the babies are born, maybe not even after that, I'm just so preoccupied that it hasn't been on my mind. My due date isn't that far away. 5 more weeks, but maybe they will come later than expected, I just hope it's not earlier. I still can't believe that I am having twins, it's crazy if you ask me. I am huge, I can barely get out of a chair without Big Mama's help. I am the size of three watermelons put together. Raven thinks that they are you guys reincarnated, I told her that I don't really believe in all of that, but it does sound like a scheme Eliot would pull. I have got to go Big Mamas giving me that look again.
Always and forever thinking about you, Number 3
"Blair please put that old raggedy book away. I fixed your food and you need to be focused on getting some strength for those little ones in there."
I close the book and place my pen back on it's cover, I slide it over to the side to make sure that nothing spills on it. I look at Mama and ask,
"Big Mama do you think that you and we could go see Audrey and Eliot together tomorrow?"
She places my food down onto the table and picks up Ralph's nearly clean plate. She let's out a deep sigh and say,
" I don't know baby I have to go get some papers signed and run some real important errands tomorrow."
I quickly respond,
"Well I can ask Raven to take me if you need to use my car, it's really no problem."
Big Ma stops washing dishes and looks at me from the side of her eye.
" I don't think that's the best idea. I don't really care for that girl. After all she is the one that introduce you to that boy that got you in your condition. We will talk about this later honey, just go on and eat your food."
As I sip my apple juice I look over to see Ralph reading a week-old newspaper, which doesn't surprise me. He always reads week old papers, which I will never understand why. Big Mama put his coffee cup on the table next to his truck keys, then kisses his forehead, she treats him like a child and I can't stand it. Every time that I look at him I hate him with every bone I have in my body, I always wondered what she saw in Ralph and why she stayed with him. Maybe Big Mama was blinded by what she thought was love, I can unfortunately relate to that.
Ralph slammed his hands on the table hard enough to make me jump back and waited for me to look at him in annoyance. I didn't give him the satisfaction, he pulls this shit at least once a week, I kept my head down and took another bite of my food. He finally gave up and walked over to Big Mama slapped her on the ass and walked back over the table to get his keys. He said nothing on his way out the door, but his looks said all the words for him. He closed the door hard enough to knock the picture off one of its nails. Big Mama dried her hands from the wet soapy dishes, walked over to the wall and gently placed the picture back in its proper place. She looked at it in approval continued to clean the pans she used to cook with.
Once Ralph left and Big Mama cleaned up from breakfast she made sure that I was a settled in, she left to go run some quick errands and go shopping for the babies.
