I sit on my bed, swing my legs up and try my best to prop myself up. I grab my journal from the night stand and start writing.
Dear Love Bugs,
I wish you guys could see the way that Big Mama is caring on. She goes and runs some type of errand everyday to distract herself, I really think its her way of trying to cope about you guys. She thinks that I don't know that is what she is doing, but I do, and i try to understand it. She looks so sad sometimes. I am so confused without y'all here. I don't know how to keep everything together without my number 1 and 2. I'm so tired of being sad and having all these scary, questionable, crazy nightmares. I just want my best friends back. I want my brother and sister back. What I wouldn't do to have you two trade places with Ralph.
Always and forever, number 3
Next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes with my journal on my belly and my favorite purple pen in my hand. The room lost its sunlight and it was now almost complete dark, the only light coming in was from the moon shining through the curtains. I sat up to check the clock, and three hours had passed by. I must have doze off without noticing it. That has been happening a lot lately with the pregnancy, Big Mama says that happened to her when she was pregnant.
I feel around the blankets for my phone to see if Raven has called about hanging out tomorrow. I sigh deeply realizing that I left my phone down stairs on the couch next to my coffee mug. As I start to head down stairs I heard a small soft helpless cry. I walk down far enough to see Big Mama sitting at the table with a half drunken bottle of gin. I found that so surprising since Big Mama hated hard liquor. It must have been in Ralph's secret stash in the garage that she always pretended not to know about, but everyone knew. Audrey, Eliot and I would sneak in there after they both went to be and take a couple of sips each, then we would replace it with water so Ralph wouldn't notice the bottle was lighter, because he would definitely notice.
I wonder if Mama was crying because she actually found evidence that Ralph was drinking again. Or if she was the one drinking, because of Audrey and Eliot. It might have even been both of those reasons but who could blame her for drinking about either.
Once I got to the bottom of the stairs I stopped in the kitchen doorway and poked my head around the door frame, like I used to when I was a little girl sneaking out of bed to see what the grownups were talking about. I cleared my throat then I said softly,
" Big Ma? You ok?"
I could tell that I startled her, because she quickly wiped her face and got up to put the gin in the pantry as if she didn't want me to see the bottle. As she choked back her tears, she said,
" Yeah baby, I'm fine. I went upstairs and saw that you were sleeping. So, I thought I would clean up a little bit."
As I looked around to see that nothing was cleaned more than usual, I looked at her with pity and sympathy.
"Were you drinking?" I say trying not to look at her cup on the table, that I can smell all the way from where I am standing.
She looks down at the cup and walks it over to the sink to wash it out, hopefully clearing the of the smell.
"Of course, not baby..."
Her lip begins to quiver as if she can't take her own emotions anymore.
"Oh, who am I kidding, yes I was, I just needed something to numb the pain." She wipes her nose with her apron, then grabs a Kleenex from off the counter.
I walk over to her very slowly, I stretch my arms out as wide as I can. She looks at me then walks into my arms and holds me as tight as she can. I can feel her body go limp with relief, but her arms hold me tighter and tighter. I begin to rub her back to comfort her and softly say,
