The last time that I spoke to Ronnie about me even being pregnant he said he wanted nothing to do with them or me, he claimed that it would interfere with his "big" life plans. That he loved me but not enough to raise a baby with me. When I told him that I was pregnant with twins that's when he totally freaked out, and I didn't hear from him until I was 6 months pregnant. Then he told me that he would pay child support, but he didn't really want to be in their life. Now he is implying that he wants to be a full-time father.
"I can't believe you! You aren't going to be in my children's life at all Ronnie. I don't know what made you think that you would be any way. I mean you were the one telling me that you wanted nothing to do with them because you didn't love me enough to raise my children."
He had this shocked look on his face like he didn't think I would remember him saying those things to me. However, it did come as a surprise since I have never stood up to Ronnie about anything. I never could because I loved him too much to even think that I might hurt his feelings. I still do, but now I know that I love my children way more than I could ever love Ronnie. I will not let my kids have a father that is in and out of their lives. I refuse to let it happen.
He stops taking the food out of the bag and looks down at me and says in this hurt angry voice, "Blair what are you saying? Are you telling me that I can't be in my kids' life?"
I look back at him with a stern hard look on my face to let him know that I mean business,
"That's exactly what the hell I am saying, I won't let my children experience what I had to go through with you. You never can make up your mind, and sorry to tell you this but you can't choose when to be and when not to be a parent. It's a full life time job Ronnie, a job that last forever. You can't just pick up and leave it if you aren't happy."
He looked away and was holding back tears. He turned back to me and put even more base in his voice than what was already there.
" You honestly don't think that I don't know that? I want my children to know what is like to have a father, I didn't experience that and that's why I thought I would be loosely at it, but I thought that you would want that for them too."
"I want our children to have everything in the world Ronnie, but not everything they are going to want is what's good for them. In all honesty you are far from being a good father."
He walked away from the table and walked away with such defeat. Like he knew everything I was saying was true and that he felt remorse for hurting me in the past. He said with a more relaxed honest tone,
" I can't believe you are saying this, this isn't the Blair that I know. You know that I would try to be the best father that I could be, I will take care of them. I was just a little freaked out before. I will take care of them, and most importantly I will take care of you...if you let me."
The sad thing about it was that I really believed him, even though I know that he didn't mean one word. I just couldn't help but believe him in that moment. I saw him standing there all tall and handsome, I couldn't even think. I walked over to him placed my hand on his back for him to turn around. Then I placed my hands on his around face to look into his eyes, then I moved my hands down his arms letting my fingertips glide across his skin. I looked up into his eye and I leaned in to every so softly kiss his neck. He looked at me surprised, but not he couldn't have been surprised enough, because placed his hand on one side of my back of my neck and the other hand around my waist. He slowly leaned in and kissed me on my neck and did it over and over again in the same spot. I forgot what his lips felt like on my skin what it was like to feel his warmth this close to mine. I don't know what came over me I want him to comfort me and show me that he still cared for me, I wanted to know that I still had a place in his heart. The thought that he really wanted to be a family and the best father that he could be made me think about him in a different way.
Next thing I know we were kissing, not only on the neck but he kissed me all over my face then kissed me on the lips so passionately that the babies start to kick. I wonder if they knew that I was kissing their father or if that was their way of telling me to stop because they didn't want me to mess up my life forever. Or more importantly their life.
I didn't listen to my thoughts telling me to push him away, I kept kissing his soft warm lips, and the next thing I knew I was on the couch with Ronnie. I didn't have the strength or will power to push him away. It might have been that I was just hormonal or that I missed having affection from the person that I thought I loved and the person that I am having children with. The person thought was placed on this Earth for me. The man that I told all my secrets too, confided in, the person that I thought was going to be with me through thick and thin.
By kissing Ronnie, I got out of my own head for once, all I had to focus on was how good it felt. The only thing that was bothering me was the fact the twins kept kicking, twisting, and turning. I couldn't focus on how good and soft Ronnie's kisses were. Finally, they stopped, long enough for me to feel Ronnie's hands going up and down my leg. His lips moving from my mouth to my neck to my chest then back up to my ears. His hands rubbing every inch of my body while all at the same time holding and cerasing me. Then I felt him place his hand further up my dress moving the fabric out of the way. I began to raise his shirt and run my hands across his back and chest as I let him kiss me repeatedly. I wanted so badly to take things further, but I somehow found the will power to slowly begin to push him off. I softly whispered into his ear,
"I can't do this"
He stopped kissing my neck and began to gaze into my eyes and he saw that I didn't mean a word, but he knew that I wished that I did. I was hoping that he would ignore my faint whisper and continue. Instead he said with concern,
"What's wrong? You ok, I didn't hurt you, did I?" I knew that he actually meant that, but I couldn't let myself get sucked back in.
Both of us were breathing heavily. I knew that he was ready to take it further, because I could feel how eager and excited he was, I was too. I then firmly pushed him back and softly said,
" No everything is fine. I just need to take it a lot slower."
I could see the disappointment on his face, but he said with sympathy, "yeah that's fine I understand, we can take it as slow as you want. Don't forget that I wanted for before, I think that I can wait again."
When I look into his eyes, I realized that Ronnie might not be the one for me, but he could be the one for our children. That what he did to me in the past shouldn't carry on into my children's life. I knew that I would really have to think about it, long and hard.
Ronnie leaned in to kiss me again, I almost leaned in to let him, but thankfully my phone started to ring, in good time, because I know that I would have had to let Ronnie do a little bit more than kiss me that time.
I pushed up on Ronnie's leg to get up and walked over to the kitchen. I picked up my phone from off the table and saw that it was Raven.
"Hey Raven, are you home? Okay great, I be there in about ten minutes. Alright see you then."
Ronnie comes up behind me and puts his arms around me to put his hands on my belly. He moves my hair off my neck and kisses it so softly. Then moves up to my ear and whispers "I am so sorry for everything."
I can't help but shed a tear, then I turn around to hold his face. I look deep into his eyes and could feel the sorrow and fear. I kiss him on the cheek as softly and as sweetly as I could.
"I hope that you love our kids and try to be the best dad that you can be. Ronnie you hurt me way too many times, and that's why when it come to you and me, I don't think that we will be able to have a relationship. I can't take being hurt by you again."
I grabbed my things quickly and left. I knew that I couldn't stay with him any longer and I had to tell Raven everything.
