I heard her get up to get into the shower. As I was getting ready to get plates and set the table I heard my phone ring, I was nervous to even look at it. I wasn't sure if it were Big Mama or Ronnie. I was not all that ready to find out, but I knew that I would have to face the real world at some point in time. The thing was that I didn't know what was stopping me, but I froze in that spot and I couldn't move.
I walked over to the counter to turn the phone over I saw that Big Mama's picture was on the screen. It was from a time that she took me to the beach and I saw her standing at the shore looking like she was at peace with the ocean, I got my camera ready and I called her name and she turned around with the most beautiful grin on her face. Like she was waiting for me to call her and that was the first time she ever heard my voice.
I looked down at my phone again and I wasn't sure if I was ready to even talk to her just yet. I knew that since she called she would want to know if I got to Raven's safe and sound and I the babies were fine. I just wasn't ready to face all of her questions and apologizes just yet.
I let the phone ring and ring, her picture finally faded away and then read that it as a miss call. I knew that I would have to talk to her sometime today, because knowing Mama she would send a swat team out to look for me. I just couldn't find the courage to face her and my emotions right at that moment in time, I had nothing to say to her even though I wanted to tell her everything.
Raven came in the kitchen with wet hair and a gray shirt that was wet just at the shoulders, with her favorite navy-blue sweat pants. I heard he footsteps as she walked into the kitchen and I erased the missed call notification off my phone and twirled around like nothing was wrong. As soon as she walked over to the stove I knew that I had cooked the bacon too long for her liking by the way that she investigated the pan and scoffed as she put her little button nose in the air a little bit. It didn't bother me, I liked my bacon a little crispy and I knew that she would be grateful regardless. She started to walk over to the bread to make toast and said in a very sarcastic voice,
" I see someone burned the bacon yet again might I add."
I looked at her with a smug smile because I knew that she would still eat more pieces than I would. She fixed her and my plate and sat the plates down at the table. Then she reached up into the cabinet to get a coffee mug then opened the fridge and poured some orange juice. I felt the cold breeze of the fridge hover over the tile kitchen floor and onto my swollen bare feet.
I sat down where she had placed my plate. She placed her lightly toasted bread on her plate and reached for the butter. As she sat down she looked at my face and noticed that I was just pushing the bacon and fruit around on my plate and began giving me the most awkward look. I looked up and noticed her, I got irritated that she was starting this shit so early in the morning, specially after the night we both had.
" What's wrong with your face why are you looking at me like that?"
She looked down and at her plate and said in the most nonchalant way,
" Nothing, nothing. I am just surprised that you aren't on the phone with Big Mama by now. That's all."
I looked back at my phone and sat up straight.
" Well if you must know, miss nosy pants, she called but I didn't want to talk to her at the moment."
She opened her eyes wide, like she couldn't believe the words that just came out of my mouth.
" You haven't talked to her yet? You know that she is worried to death about you. She might even be on the phone with the police right now to find you, you know that you were wrong for not answering that phone call."
I looked back at her knowing that she was right but I didn't want to admit or believe that I was being childish and inconsiderate.
" I am a grown woman that is about to have a family of her own. If I don't want to answer the damn phone I don't have to."
Raven gave me this ashamed look. I knew that I was wrong for not answering the call, but I didn't have any words for Big Mama. Even more so I didn't feel like being lectured. I would call her back, just not yet. I would like to enjoy eating my breakfast before I start a potential fight, but it seems like that was inventible.
After breakfast I went to go take a shower, I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. I wasn't sure if it was the fact that I was so big or the fact that I was unhappy. I haven't been sure about a lot of things lately. I am certain that I am ready for these kids to get out of me as soon as they can.
When I turned on the shower I put it on as high as it would go. Once I got in the hot water felt so good on my sore achy back. As I turned around to let the hot steamy water run on my belly I felt myself trying my best not to cry. This time I didn't know what I was crying about. I knew that there was a lot of stuff going on, but the shower was always a place that cleared my mind. I tried not to focus on it, instead I would focus on how good the soap felt on my skin.
I never noticed how much the babies liked when the water ran on my belly. They liked it almost as much as when Big Mama rubs my belly when I can't go to sleep. I started to rub my belly with the lathered, warm, soft washcloth and that felt even better than the warm steamy water. It was so soothing and relaxing, it felt like I could stay in the warm hot shower all day.
I closed my eyes and let the water run on my face. I started to think about Ronnie, daydreaming would have been more like it. I was going back to when he first told me that he loved me, and I thought that he really meant it. I sure that I won't ever forget the day when I knew that I was really in love with him.
We had been dating for about a year, and one night we went to go get pizza together. As he was sitting across the table from me I just looked at him and all I could think about was the fact that I wouldn't know what I would do without him. I just knew that he was the one for me, I had never felt that way about someone else before ever in my life.
He told me that he loved me right after I told him that I was still a virgin and that I wanted to wait. I expected him to dump me right then and there, because that is what most of the guys I dated did. But Ronnie was different, He took my hand and kissed my forehead and hugged me so tightly. Then whispered in my ear and said, " I will wait for you because you are more than worth it, I love you with all my heart Blair, I really mean that."
I knew that he meant it, I could feel that he really meant it. The twins were tossing and turning, like they knew I was thinking about their dad and they didn't want me too.
I turned off the water and wrapped my towel around me. Once I looked in the mirror, all I could see was Ronnie's face. Although I wasn't in love with him anymore, I still missed the times that we spent together. I couldn't wait to meet someone that could bring that much joy or something more. I really could use some romantic affection, but who am I kidding. Come on who would want a twenty-year-old mom with no job, because she couldn't finish college to become a teacher all because she was pregnant with twins, and then had to move back in with her mom to help raise them?
